(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
.......but first we're going to pause for this special news report.
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC NEWS THEME: TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS INWARD)
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer, NPR News in Washington, with a special report from the Middle East. With me on the line from the mountain province of Donundestan, from the provincial capital of Rillirillibad, is correspondent John Knotright with a breaking news report that a planeload of terrorists is on its way to the U.S. at this very moment. John? Can you hear me?
(PAUSE, THEN SIMULTANEOUS)
TR: Yes, I hear you now.
SS: Do you hear me now?
SS: Sorry, I stepped on you there.
TR: I can hear you loud and clear, Linda.
SS: It's Linda -- Go ahead, John. Go ahead.
TR: Sorry - I'm having a hard time --
SS: We have you, John. Go ahead.
TR: Having a little trouble with the satellite delay, there.
SS: Yes, I understand. There's a delay with the satellite. Go ahead.
TR: You want me to go ahead now?
SS: Go ahead, John.
(PAUSE, THEN SIMULTANEOUS)
SS: We're ready for you, John.
TR: This is John Knotwright, from the provincial capital of Rillirillibad ---- I'm sorry, Linda, did you say something?
SS: I said we're ready for your report, John.
TR: You want me to do that now, Linda?
SS: Yes, go ahead. (PAUSE)
TR: Standing by here in Rillirillibad. Whenever you're ready, Linda.
SS: Can you hear me, John?
(PAUSE)
TR: I can hear you, Linda.
SS: Good. We'd like your report now, John.
(PAUSE)
TR: Just waiting for your cue, Linda.
SS: Let's go to John Knotright in Rillirillibad now for this----
TR: It's this satellite connection, Linda. There's a delay and ---- I'm sorry, what did you say?
SS: John?
(PAUSE)
TR: Yes, Linda.
SS: I'm being as clear as I possibly can be.
(PAUSE)
TR: You're coming in loud and clear, Linda.
SS: John, I'm going to turn it over to you now for your report. (PAUSE) Do you read me, John?
TR (SIMUL): You want my report now?
SS: John? Listen to me. We're all waiting to hear your (TR: I'm right here, Linda.) report from Rillirillibad---- John? John?
TR: Sorry I stepped on you there.
SS: John, I'm going to stop talking now and when I do I'd like you to start talking (TR: And I have this very cheap earpiece I'm trying to hear you on----) and give us your report ---- what did you say?
(PAUSE)
TR: Who?
SS: John, we're on the air live with about 600 public radio stations, I'd appreciate it if you could focus----okay? (PAUSE) Okay, John? Are you all set?
TR (SIMUL): Ready when you are, Linda.
(PAUSE)]
SS: John, how about I just ask you some questions? Okay?
(PAUSE)
TR: You're going to ask me questions?
SS: Yes.
(PAUSE)
TR: After my report?
SS: No, instead of your report.
TR: Questions about what, Linda?
SS: About that planeload of terrorists.
(PAUSE)
TR: Standing by here in Rillirillibad, Linda----
SS: John, tell me: how did you hear this report of terrorists?
TR: (SIMUL) Just fire away.
(PAUSE)
SS: John, tell me about the terrorists.
TR (SIMUL): Hello? Linda?
(PAUSE)
SS: John?
(PAUSE)
TR: Yes, Linda.
SS: John, please. Shut your mouth and listen and I'll ask you a question and when I do, you answer it. Okay?
(PAUSE)
TR: Okay.
SS: Are you shutting your mouth now, John?
TR (SIMUL): So you talk and then I talk, right?
SS: John, you're there in Donundestan, from the provincial capital of Rillirillibad, right? You have reports of a planeload of terrorists heading for America --- we'd like to know more. Over to you, John.
(PAUSE)
TR: What'd you say?
SS: I said, Terrorists, you jerk. Tell us about the terrorists! What do you think I said?
(PAUSE)
TR: I don't know about terrorists but there's a planeload of tourists heading for the U.S. Is that what you meant?
SS: You told us terrorists.
(PAUSE)
TR: Tourists. They're from Iowa. Church people, mostly. Methodists, I think. Here on a study tour. Learning about Islam.
(PAUSE)
SS: John, how can you be so unbelievably stupid----
TR (SIMUL): You must've misunderstood me.
SS: I'm talking now, John. Why would you be so stupid as (TR: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.) to file a report ---- Shut up! Do you hear me? Shut up while I'm talking. (PAUSE) John, why would you be so stupid as to----(TR: It's the satellite delay, Linda.)--- stop interrupting me! Stop it! Or I'll kill you. And I mean it. Don't push me. Just shut your mouth and listen to me. John, why would you be so incredibly incredibly stupid (TR: Sorry, I didn't mean to make you so angry) --- John, let me ask you this: may I ask you a question?
(PAUSE)
TR: Go ahead, Linda.
SS: I'm going to ask you a question now and you're going to answer it, okay?
(PAUSE)
TR: I'll try.
SS: Good. Let me ask you this---(TR: I'll give it my best shot.) John, why would you bother to tell us about a planeload of tourists that's leaving Rillirillibad there in Donundastan? Why? John? We have important breaking news and we waste five minutes on you telling us about---(TR: You want me to answer that now, Linda?) --- what's your problem, John?
TR: There isn't much going on here, Linda, and I don't speak the language and the food is bad and they have no alcohol, nothing, not even beer, and I'm just sitting in this crummy hotel watching CNN like everybody else, so when I heard about this planeload of tourists----- I got excited. I'm sorry. So shoot me.
(PAUSE)
SS: You're in the south of Afghanistan, right, John?
(PAUSE)
TR: Right.
SS: We sent you there to look around for Osama bin Laden.
(PAUSE)
TR: Who?
SS: Osama bin Laden.
TR: I thought I was supposed to find a rap star by the name of Yo Mama Bin Rotten.
SS: You're an idiot, John.
TR: And his drummer, Al Kiyada.
SS: You're an idiot. Get on the plane with the tourists, John, and go back to Iowa.
(PAUSE)
SS: John?
TR: You're breaking up a little, Linda.
SS: John, get out of my life. Just disappear. Okay? This is Linda Wertheimer from NPR News----
TR: Am I done now?
SS: ---- in Washington with a special report. (THROBBING ELECTRO NEWS THEME. TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS WITHIN.)
© Garrison Keillor 2001