(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC)
GK: This fall our radio show observes a big anniversary.....forty-nine years on the air---- 1952. It started out as The Radio Chums and there was a big dog Rex (WOOF) and a little guy, Skipper -----
TR (BOY): Oh boy, Mr. Radio Man---- is it almost time for you to tell us another spellbinding story about bears or something?? Gosh, I can't wait.
GK: And we had an old coot named Pops.
TR (GEEZER): Oh boy, I heard some great stories when I was your age. Some real humdingers.
GK: And a sweet old character named Aunt Fay---
SS (OLD): I just baked up a big plate of peanut butter cookies, boys. You make sure you eat em up while they're still warm.
GK: And the show was written by a real mean guy named Blodgett who liked to suddenly kill off characters for no reason whatsoever.
SS (OLD): Let me get you a glass of milk out of the icebox. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR RATTLE) That's funny. The icebox door won't open---- (DOOR RATTLE) Oh, no. The icebox is falling over on me. Oh no. Oh no. (CRUNCH AND CRACK OF BONES)
GK: He was a mean guy and he sat in the control room and sneered at us.
TK (GROWLY): I hate this cornball show and everything it stands for and I hate myself for writing for it.
GK: So he'd throw in these weird things into the script ---- a monster coming out of the closet (MONSTER) or ceiling falling (CREAKING) or very bad child-care ----
TR (GEEZER): Here, Skipper. Let me show you how to work a hypodermic needle so you can give yourself shots.
GK: It was just one thing after another with Blodgett---- we'd be in the middle of Happy Birthday Time (KIDS: Happy birthday dear Skipper) and aliens would arrive from outer space (LASER GUNS, CRIES OF TERROR) shooting their laser guns. Or a meteorite would come straight toward us. (RUMBLE OF DISTANT BODY, LOUDER OR LOUDER) Or we'd sit down for storytime and there'd be a snake in the chair. (RATTLE) Or a giant condor would swoop down. (CRIES) And of course we kept losing sponsors ----
TR (ANNC): And now...Prestige Gourmet House of Cuisine presents RADIO CHUMS ... And now ... Chuck's Chicken Shack presents RADIO CHUMS ... And now ... Harry's Famous Frozen FishSticks brings you ... And now it's time for RADIO CHUMS, brought to you by Kate's Cat Sausage ---- if you savor the taste of cat, you'll love ...
GK: We just kept sliding farther and farther downhill.
TR (ANNC): And now, it's time for RADIO CHUMS, sponsored by Ricky's Road Kill Cafe ... home of the Original Gopher Burger---- If You're Not Picky, Eat at Ricky's.
GK: Until one day I found Blodgett in the employee lunchroom and I asked him straight out---- What do you have against the world?
TK (GRUFF): Get away from me, kid.
GK: We give you an office and a typewriter and all we ask is that you write a nice happy family kind of show and instead you inflict your venom and darkness on us! Why, Mr. Blodgett? What did we do to irk you so?
TK (GRUFF): I'm honest, that's why. And I'm an artist. An artist who sees the world with clear eyes, no cornball stuff. I write with total honesty and you morons can't take it.
GK: You're impossible. Honestly, I don't know why I ever went into radio.
TK (GRUFF): You wanna know why you went into radio, take a look in the mirror, kid.
GK: You are so cruel.
TK (GRUFF): What's the matter? Can't take the truth??
GK: He was right. I knew it. I looked like a tree toad with a migraine. I got fan letters from listeners but whenever I met the fans, they always looked shocked and disappointed. One look and they suddenly remembered someplace else they were supposed to be. So I stuck with Radio Chums and every Saturday at 5 o'clock ----
Frozen Fish Sticks are delicious
And it's Mama's favorite dish.
So pull up your chair cause we're on the air
For Harry's Famous Fish.
TR (ANNC): Yes, boys and girls, once again Harry's Famous Fish Sticks brings you RADIO CHUMS with more hilarious hijinks and heartwarming moments with your good pals Skipper and Rex and (FADE) Pops and Aunt Fay ...
GK: And one day we came into the studio and Mr. Blodgett wasn't there. He'd been run over by a truck. As fate would have it, a truck from Ricky's Road Kill Cafe.The new writer was Miss Bellum.
SS (DEEP WHISKEY VOICE): Call me Sarah. And get me some typewriter ribbon and a bottle of gin and a pack of Luckies.
GK: But I always remembered what Mr. Blodgett said.
TK (GRUFF): Take a look at yourself and stick with radio. Beauty is only skin deep, kid, but that's pretty deep. Nobody cares if you have a beautiful gall bladder.
GK: And I stuck with radio over the years, despite a steady barrage of offers from TV, movies, cable, pay-per-view, billboards, calendar companies ---- because I know myself and my own limitations --- and because nobody offered me an actual paying job. And also because radio offers me all sorts of freedom.
TR (SOTTO VOCE): For our audience at home, the host of the show is wearing a bright green sun-dress and yellow pumps and a broad-brimmed straw hat simply heaped with fruit.
GK: We're happy to be here with you, sponsored by Chuck's House of Used Fruit, and thanks to our wonderful writing staff.
SS (WHISKY VOICE): Thank you, darling.
GK: And thanks to good medication.
TR (DOCTOR): Here. Take these.
GK: So thanks for your cards and letters and I hope you enjoy today's show.
(BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2001