(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(ROTARY DIAL, SEVEN DIGITS, THE LAST THREE ARE ZEROS)
(PAUSE, GK SIGH)
(RING. AUTOMATED PICKUP)
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): Welcome to UltraTech's Help Line. If you would like to hear about our special offer on our new digital coffeemaker, press one or say Yes.
GK: No. I need help. With my computer.
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): If you would like a free copy of our UltraTech catalogue of fashionable electronic sportswear, press one or say yes.
GK: No. I want help. My computer won't go online.
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): If you wish to change your mind, press one or ---
GK: No.
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): Why?
GK: Because! I need help. My computer won't go online.
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): Have you attempted to look up the answer in your UltraTech manual?
GK: Your manual is unreadable! Believe me ---
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): Please wait and a helpline representative will be with you in just a moment.
(TAPED MUSIC)
GK: Oh, come on. Come on. Let's go.
SS: (TAPED VOICE, ON PHONE): Thank you for your patience. Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold.
(TAPED MUSIC, CONT.)
(CUT MUSIC)
TR: (ON PHONE): Yeah? What can I do for you?
GK: I am running UltraTech DiCon 2000 and I can't get online to get my e-mail.
TR: (ON PHONE): What do you mean you can't get online?
GK: I can't get online.
TR: (PHONE): You get a message on your screen?
GK: Yes. It says, "An unsupported function has been attempted."
TR: (PHONE): An unsupported what?
GK: Function.
TR: (PHONE): This is the Dicon 2000 softward?
GK: Yes.
TR: (PHONE): Hold on a second. Never heard of this happening before.
(HOLD MUSIC, 7 SEC.)
TR: (PHONE): Is this the TRP-24-15-08 or the TRP-28-54-01?
GK: I have no idea.
TR: (PHONE): You don't know?
GK: No. How am I supposed to know that?
TR: (PHONE): It's in the AutoFile under Footer 426 A-as-in analog B-as-in-boot 578.
GK: Where would I find this?
TR: (PHONE): Let me get right back to you. May I put you on hold?
GK: Okay.
(HOLD MUSIC, 15 SEC)
TR (PHONE): Okay. What did you say the message on your screen is?
GK: It's "An unsupported function has been attempted."
TR: (PHONE): Never heard of it.
GK: Anyway, it just strted happening Sunday night and now I can't get my e-mail.
TR: (PHONE): Just a sec, let me put you on Hold.
(HOLD MUSIC, 8 SEC)
TR: (PHONE): Have you tried turning your computer off?
GK: Yes, I did.
TR: (PHONE): Just a minute.
(HOLD MUSIC, 10 SEC)
TR: (PHONE): Has any person unknown to you programmed any software into your computer that you may not be aware of?
GK: No.
TR: (PHONE): Just a sec.
(HOLD MUSIC, 8 SEC)
TR: (PHONE): Let me ask you this: When did you purchase your UltraTech software?
GK: I don't know. A year ago. Eight months.
TR: (PHONE): Do you have the receipt?
GK: No, I don't.
TR: (PHONE): So you don't know your confirmation number?
GK: No.
TR: (PHONE): You wouldn't have, say, written down the confirmation number on your Palm Pilot or something?
GK: No.
TR: (PHONE): And you don't know if this is the TRP-24-15-08 or the TRP-28-54-01?
GK: No.
TR: (PHONE): Or if this is a left-hand or right-hand modem?
GK: Sir--- I'm a mortal being. I only use a computer, the computer is not the focus of my life ---
TR: (PHONE): Okay, okay ---
GK: I don't spend my waking hours studying the diagrams.
TR: (PHONE): We don't give you diagrams ---
GK: I am not here to serve my computer, sir. It is here to serve me and it's doing a lousy job!
TR: (PHONE): (SPUTTERS) Well --- just because you --- that's not --- I mean --- I'll be back in just a second.
GK: Sir?
TR: (PHONE): Yes?
GK: You're going to put me on Hold again, aren't you?
TR: (PHONE): Yes, I am.
GK: I thought so. Listen, I treasure the time I spend on hold, and I thank you for the opportunity, but is it possible for me to hear some other music this time?
TR: (PHONE): You want different background music?
GK: Yes, please.
TR: (PHONE): Okay.
(DRUM BREAK, 8 SEC)
SS: (PHONE): Hello. May I help you?
GK: I was talking to somebody else? Calling about my computer not going online --- "The unsupported function" message.
SS: (PHONE): Sorry. Wrong line.
(DRUM BREAK, 10 SEC)
SS: (SOFT): Hi. I'm Cybelline, the goddess of software. I'd like to attempt an unsupported function with you.
GK: You would?
SS: (SOFT): I would. I want to hold you.
GK: I want to hold you.
SS: (SOFT): Good. Let me put you on hold then.
(HOLD MUSIC, LATIN)
TR (PHONE): (JAPANESE)
GK: I don't understand you.
TR: (PHONE): (JAPANESE APOLOGY)
(PIANO, new AGE, 12 SEC)
SS: (NYER, PHONE): Okay, hon, I think I got the answer to your problem. You gotta turn off the computer and leave the house and walk around the block and then come back and turn it back on. Okay? You got that?
GK: No, I don't.
SS: (NYER, PHONE): Is this Mrs. Sorenson?
GK: No.
SS: (NYER): Oh, Okay.
(LATIN, 6 SEC)
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): What's your name?
GK: My name?
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): Who do you think I'm talking to?
GK: Wyler. Carson Wyler.
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): Last name first, first name last.
GK: Wyler, Carson.
TR: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE) What's the problem, Wyler?
GK: My software failed and I can't get on line.
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE) So?
GK: So, I can't get my e-mail.
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): So why come crying to us, Wyler? Huh?
GK: You're supposed to be the Help Desk.
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): I'm not your mother, Wyler. Grow up. Get over it.
GK: You're supposed to support your own product ---
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): You're not the first person to have a little glitch. So --- work it out. Don't come crying to me, Wyler.
GK: But it's not supposed to do this ---
TK: (DRILL SGT., ON PHONE): Suck it up and keep moving, soldier. As you were.
GK: Sir?
(HOLD MUSIC, new AGE. FADE FOR....,)
GK: He was right, of course. Work it out. Get over it. So I hung up. I felt as if I had turned a corner. Put e-mail behind me. (PHONE RING. PICK UP) Hello?
SS: (ON PHONE, TAPED VOICE): Hello, this is UltraTech. You inadvertently hung up while you were on hold. If you would like to resume holding, press one or say yes.
GK: No, thanks. (HANG UP) Not every communication requires a response. Sometimes it's better to let go of things. Let it pass. (PHONE RING) Not every call needs to be picked up. Not all mail need to be opened. (PHONE RING) Not every question needs answering. There's too much communication in the world as it is. (PHONE RING) One more ring and I'm going to pull that cord right out of the wall. (PHONE RING) Okay --- (GK EFFORT, RIP, WOOD CRUNCHING, RUMBLING OF BUILDING STARTING TO COLLAPSE. RUNNING FEET. DIVE THROUGH WINDOW, AS BUILDING COMES DOWN IN EXTENDED RUMBLE AND ROAR, CRASHING, CRUNCHING, AND ONE HUBCAP SPINNING) I got out just in time to see the house come down and then the underground LP tanks went up (TWO BIG EXPLOSIONS AND FIRE) and it was all gone. The computer, all my floppies, all my papers and books, everything, gone up in flames. (DOG WOOFING, RUNS UP, COLLAR JINGLING) Good old Rex. You made it out. (DOG THUMPING TAIL, PANTING) Not a scratch on you. Where's Natasha, Rex? Did you see Natasha? (DOG WOOF)
SS: Hi, darling. What happened?
GK: House blew up?
SS: Oh well. It was time to redecorate anyway.
GK: Right. Did you pick up the emeralds and rubies on your way out?
SS: Got em right here. (JIGGLES A BIG BACK OF BIG ROCKS)
GK: Good. Well? Where do you want to start the rest of our lives?
SS: How about Washington:
GK: How about Paris?
SS: I prefer Washington.
GK: You do? But Paris---
SS: We'll compromise. Vienna.
GK: Austria?
SS: Virginia.
GK: Okay. Vienna, Virginia.
SS: Near Wolf Trap. (HARMONY HOWL)
GK: They have unbelievable traffic jams out there.
SS: We won't drive.
GK: It's one of those places where you have to dial ten numbers to make a local call.
SS: We won't call. We'll have a big house with a screened veranda and we'll sit out there sipping iced tea and reading poems to each other.
GK: Sounds beautiful.
SS: And two peacocks walking back and forth. (PEACOCK CRIES)
GK: Lovely.
SS: Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've seen of male bravado,
I hold with those who say gelato
But I can tell you, as a female,
It could also be from e-mail. (PLAY OFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2001