(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(HUBBUB OF PEOPLE MILLING, JINGLING OF BELLS, TR TOYING WITH TAMBOURINE, SOME PRACTICE CHANTING, FIDDLE TUNING, BLOW THING WARM UP)
SS (SCHOOLTEACHERLY): Attention, please. (HUBBUB CONTINUES) Attention. (RAPS ON STAND WITH PENCIL) Attention, please? (BLOWS WHISTLE. SILENCE EXCEPT FOR TAMBOURINE) Thank you for coming to rehearse our Midsummer Day Ceremony ---- Could we have it quiet? Please? YOU! WITH THE DRUM! (TAMBOURINE SILENT) Thank you. Would the oracles please stand over here, thank you, and the priests and priestesses here, and the bards and storytellers on this side, and the rest of the druids ---- yes? What's the problem?
TK (GROWLY): Am I a priest or an oracle?
SS: Did you not receive a slip of paper when you came in ----
TK (GROWLY): Mine just has a circle on it.
SS: That's an O. You're an oracle.
TK (GROWLY): Oh.
SS: Over there, with the other oracles. Thank you. We will begin with the meditation for communal grounding and centering and then the wizard will give us his blessing.
TR (SWEDISH)
SS: Thank you, wizard. Bell ringer?
TR (CAPOTE): I'm right here, sweetheart.
SS: Bells, please.
TR (CAPOTE): You want that now?
SS: Please. (DINGLING) Thank you. Try to keep up. --- After the dingling of bells, we come into the sacred circle for our unity hymn.
GK: Our what?
SS: Our unity hymn. Everybody have it? Good. We carry our healing plants, the lavender and chamomile and vervain and heather and birch twigs into the great circle as we purify it with water and salt----
TK (GROWLY): Is that when I light the bonfire?
SS: No, it's not.
TK (GROWLY): Oh. When do I----
SS: I'm coming to that. ---When we come into the great circle for the unity ceremony, our high priestess Helath begins by raising her arms and honoring The Air, The Earth, The Fire, and The Water ---- what is it?
GK: He's an oracle. He has nothing to do with lighting the sacred bonfire.
SS: Who?
GK: The oracle. Bards and storytellers are the ones who light the sacred bonfire.
TK (GROWLY): Says who?
GK: He's not a bard or storyteller.
TK (GROWLY): Who asked you?
GK: It's right there in the ritual.
SS: Could we have order, please?
GK: It's right there in the ritual, who lights the sacred bonfire.
SS: The bards and storytellers help create our connections with the universe and the life force and the great mystery.
GK: Okay, but we also light the sacred fire.
SS: Please. Not now. ----After we contemplate our dependence on the universe, we sing our unity hymn ----
ALL (CHANTING, MONOTONE): Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder, it's the truth, it's actual, everything is satisfactual.
SS: (TWO BEATS) Why are you looking at me like that?
GK: That is not the unity hymn.
SS: It is too.
GK: The unity hymn is: Like a spark of flame rising to the heavens, so we return to you O Giver of Light. It has nothing to do with bluebirds.
SS: The sacred steering committee has decided to change the hymn and so that's is how we're doing it this year.
GK: You rewrote the midsummer ritual? The most sacred ritual of the year? The ritual honoring the Sun God, the source of all life? You rewrote it?
SS: The ritual is a living, changing thing.
GK: So you rewrote it??
SS: The high priestess Helath will now proclaim the blessings of the path of true wisdom and the joy of life.
TR (JULIA): Yes, indeed. (ASIDE) Should I do that now?
SS: Yes. Please. And while she does that, we all move around her in the circle. Counter-clockwise. (TAMBOURINE THRUMMING) Thank you.
TR (JULIA): As one people we join our voices in the Sacred Grove to honor the Sun God at the moment of his greatest power as he nurtures the seeds of rebirth that prepare us for our journey.
ALL: My oh my what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine coming my way.
TR (JULIA): And I turn around three times with my hands in the air over my head---
SS: You don't read that part --- that's a direction.
TR (JULIA): Oh, of course. Silly me.
SS: Don't read that. Just do it.
TR (JULIA): (TO HERSELF) I turn around three times and hold my hands in the air----- (LOUDER) so we do draw close to thee, Lord of the Light----consecrate all who come within the sacred circle.
ALL: My oh my what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine coming my way.
SS: Dinger??
TR (CAPOTE): Sorry. I don't know what's going on with me today. (DINGLING) My mind is elsewhere.
SS: Then the wizard addresses our ancestors and nature spirits and deities with a word of honor.
TR (SWEDISH)
SS: And the wizard turns and throws the handfuls of corn meal to the four corners and we all move around the circle clockwise. (SHUFFLING, SLIGHT DINGING.) Clockwise, thank you!
TK (GROWLY): You want me to light the bonfire now?
SS: No, not yet.
GK: This is not the midsummer day ceremony.
SS: And then we have the drinking of the sacred mead. (MURMURS OF APPROVAL, HEAR HEAR, THE MEAD). Who has the mead? (MURMURS OF CONFUSION) The mead, please?
TR (CAPOTE): Oh--- the mead! Here. I thought you said something else. Sorry. I'm just so confused.
SS: Thank you--- and then the wizard performs the release of the inner atmosphere (TR BELCH) and then we each light our candle----
GK: But light our candles from what? We haven't lit the bonfire. And what about the hymn of new life?
SS: Light the bonfire, oracle.
TK (GROWLY): Okay. (MATCH SCRATCH) (FIRE)
GK: This is not our midsummer day ceremony.
SS: Could we have it quiet, please?
TR (JULIA): Isn't this where I come in with my invocation of the Earth Mother ----Isis - Demeter - Astarte - Juno - Freya - Gaia - the Lady of Ambulance?
SS: Lady of Abundance. No, it's not.
TR (JULIA): Oh. Sorry.
GK: When did you decide to rewrite the midsummer ritual? None of us bards were consulted.
SS: The ritual is a living, changing thing.
GK: You couldn't have asked us?
SS: You're not on the sacred committee, I am.
GK: Don't you know how that makes us feel? We're writers. You rewrite the ceremony and don't even ask us??
SS: Could I have a word with you? In private? (FOOTSTEPS, AWAY FROM HUBBUB. FOOTSTEPS STOP.) What is going on? Why are you being such a jerk?
GK: I can't believe you'd do this.
SS: Well, just get over it. I am trying to conduct a rehearsal.
GK: You rewrote this so the bards and storytellers ---- what do we get to do now? We don't light the sacred fire. What are we supposed to do?
SS: You create the connection to the great mystery, okay??? What more do you want?
GK: We want to light the sacred fire and we don't want to sing your stupid song.
SS: Well, you're not going to, so just shut up. You hear me? Put a cork in it. Or else.
GK: Or else what?
SS: You know what.(FOOTSTEPS RETURN TO HUBBUB) ---- Okay, now we have the hymn of new life---- Helath----
TR (JULIA): ---- From the Earth Mother we all come and to her we do return, as drops of water return to the sea ---- and then we turn around on our tippy toes signifying the cycle of death and rebirth.
SS: You don't read that. It's a direction. Dinger----!
TR (CAPOTE): Oh, terribly sorry. I was trying to straighten out my tassels. (DINGLING)
SS: Try to keep up, please. Oracle----
TK (GROWLY): Me?
SS: Yes, of course, you----- light the sacred fire----
GK: This is not right.
SS: Light the sacred fire, oracle----
TK (GROWLY): See? Ya big dummy----
GK: This is not according to what's in the ritual.
TK (GROWLY): Oh grow up.
SS: And all of us dance and chant ---- Dancing and chanting, please---- (RHYTHMIC JINGLING AND DRUMMING AND CHANTING) ---- as the sacred bonfire is lit---- Counterclockwise, please! Counterclockwise! ---- I said, counter clockwise!
TR (CAPOTE): Right. Sorry. (DINGLING)
SS: Dancing and chanting ---- in homage to the Sun King --- celebrating our oneness with the life force: Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder, it's the truth, it's factual, everything is satisfactual. ---- (DANCING AND CHANTING) ---- wait a minute. Stop! I said, Stop!!! (DANCING AND CHANTING STOP) ---- What are you doing?
GK: I'm helping. I'm lighting on my side, he's lighting it on his side.
SS: Did you hear what I said?
GK: We're jointly lighting it. In the spirit of oneness. Both of us, as one in the life force.
SS: You don't know the first thing about oneness.
GK: I do too.
SS: Shut up. You've done nothing but cause trouble the whole time.
GK: I was only trying to make sure that ----
SS: Shut up.
GK: ---we followed the ritual of midsummer day and that the bards----
SS: I said, shut up.
GK: ---- and storytellers as we create the connections with our place in the universe ----
SS: I said, shut up!
GK: ---- that we take our rightful place as the bringers of fire--- GRIBBET. GRIBBET.
SS: You force me to take extreme measures.
GK: GRIBBET. GRIBBET.
SS: Go. That way. Across the great highway. Wait there until you meet up with the sacred semi and become part of the great circle of rubber.
GK: GRIBBET. GRIBBET.
SS: Everyone else---- dancing and chanting ---- celebrating our oneness with the life force. (BAND PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2001