(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: This portion of our show brought to you by the Associated Federation of Organizations including the American Pharmaceutical Foundation which salutes the state of Washington for finishing No. 4 in the country in per capita use of anti-depressants. It was Scandinavians who made it possible and Scandinavians who will eventually make you No. 1.
SS: My name is Karen Norquist. I eat the right foods and get plenty of exercise, and to help maintain a positive outlook, I use a lot of drugs.
TR: Yes, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, you need the right pharmaceuticals to keep you going. Ask your doctor. Maybe the drugs he uses would work for you too. If you're not on anti-depressants now, maybe you should be. Why be a Gloomy Gus when you can take a pill?
GK: Me?
TR: You didn't think you needed it? Look at you. Moping around.
GK: I'm not.
TR: You are. You call that a happy face? Huh?
GK: I have a lot of friends.
TR: Maybe they need some drugs too.
GK: I don't feel depressed.
TR: Maybe you've been depressed so long, it feels normal to you.
GK: I feel pretty happy.
TR: If you're happy, why do you look like that?
GK: Like what?
TR: Sort of bewildered. Stunned. Silent. Depressed.
GK: I'm not stunned. I'm just laid back.
TR: Another term for DEPRESSION. You must have had a terrible childhood.
GK: Not really. It was wonderful, except for---- you know-----
TR: Except for what?
GK: Well, it's nothing.
TR: What?
GK: I grew up wearing hand-me-downs from my older sister. I don't know if that was a problem or not. I wore jeans that zipped up the side. Shirts that were a little frillier than other boys'. I remember when I was ten, I decided to send my extra clothes to poor people in the Congo and I put them in a big box and wrote CONGO on the outside and my mother said, "If you're going to the Congo, you better get your shots" and I said, "I'm not going to the Congo," and she said, "Don't get our hopes up like that. What am I going to tell your younger brothers?" That was when I started lighting fires. And they sent me to a new school. One with barbed wire around the monkey bars. We all wore orange jumpsuits and picked up trash along the road. I don't know. Is that anything I need to deal with?
TR: Let me give you a word of advice. You could spend the next twenty years in a dim room talking about this stuff to a quiet guy with a goatee. Or you could take a pill. Hey. If you don't choose the pill, you're nuts. Pharmaceuticals: they're not just for sick people anymore. A message from the American Pharmaceutical Foundation.
© Garrison Keillor 2001