(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a beautiful day in June, a warm sunny day and I was thinking about what to send my dad for Father's Day, like maybe a pair of pants. So I called up Peninsula Plaid Pants, a fine company in Wisconsin that thoughtfully sends me their catalogue every spring. (PHONE RING AT OTHER END, PICK UP)
SS (ON PHONE): Hello. This is Penny. How can I help you?
GK: I'm not sure I know how to answer that question.
SS (ON PHONE): You're searching for pants, right?
GK: Yes, in a sense I am but I'm looking for more.
SS (ON PHONE): I understand. There's a you inside that people don't get to see and you want pants that proclaim that you.
GK: Well, actually, it's for my dad. So I want pants that proclaim the inner dad.
SS (ON PHONE): Happy pants.
GK: I'm not sure I'd go that far. (CLICKS) Sorry. It's Call Waiting. Can I put you on hold for a minute, Miss---
SS (ON PHONE): Perkins.
GK: Miss Perkins.
SS (ON PHONE): Penny Perkins.
GK: I'll be right back. (CLICK) Guy Noir, Private Eye.
TK (ON PHONE): Is this the private eye?
GK: Yeah---that's what I said.
TK (ON PHONE): You do undercover work?
GK: Right.
TK (ON PHONE): I need you to go undercover for me and find out some stuff.
GK: What kind of stuff?
TK (ON PHONE): Stuff about this guy.
GK: Who?
TK (ON PHONE): That's what I need you to find out.
GK: Where is he?
TK: If I knew that, why would I be coming to you?
GK: Listen. I'm on the other line. Could you hold for a minute? (CLICK) Yeah. Penny.
SS (ON PHONE): How about a pair of portly permanent press pleated plaid pants with patch pockets --- say, in peach? What size is your father.
GK: Actually, he's shrinking, but peach pants --- they sort of make a guy look like he forgot his pants.
SS (ON PHONE): How about pomegranate?
GK: I had a pair of pomegranate pants once and people kept trying to give me spare change.
SS (ON PHONE): Pebble is nice. Or pumpkin.
GK: Too much like peach.
SS (ON PHONE): How about persimmon?
GK: That's a lot like burgundy, isn't it.
SS (ON PHONE): Sort of.
GK: I thought so. Listen, to me, burgundy is a color for guys who bowl a lot and smoke wine-soaked cigarillos and wear gold chains.
SS (ON PHONE): What sort of man is your father, Mr. Noir?
GK: He's sort of in transition. It's different, depending on the day. He keeps forgetting who he was, so he has to improvise.
SS (ON PHONE): I see.
GK: Some days he's my son, some days we're sort of cousins. Some days he's Doris Day.
SS (ON PHONE): How about a nice cheery yellow plaid then?
GK: Can you hold for a moment, Miss Perkins? I've got someone else on hold. Thanks. I appreciate it. (CLICK) You still there?
TK (ON PHONE): I'm a sooooooooooooul manf..(HOWL) I'm a soooooooooooull man!
GK: Hello?
TK (ON PHONE): Hi----- just singing along with the radio.
GK: Listen, I don't know how I'm supposed to find a guy you saw in the dark and you didn't even know where you were---- huh? Come on. (POUNDING ON DOOR. TR MUFFLED YELLS: Hey! Anybody in there? I'm in a hurry!) THIS CONTINUES UNDER.....
GK: What in the world? I'm going to have to put you on hold, sir. (CLICK) (FOOTSTEPS.) Who's there? Quit pounding on the door. (OPENS DOOR)
TR: How come you take so long to open your door? I told you I was on my way ---
GK: Who are you? ---
TR: I talked to you on the telephone two minutes ago.
GK: You did not.
TR: Did so.
GK: Maybe you skipped school the day they taught the unit on manners, mister--- you didn't talk to me----
TR: This isn't the bomb squad?
GK: No, this is the private eye.
TR: Ten-forty seven Acme Building?
GK: This is ten-forty-seven Acme Building but I ain't the bomb squad.
TR: Oh. Maybe I wrote it down wrong.
GK: Maybe you did. Maybe it's ten-seventy-seven. That four and that seven look sort of the same.
TR: Good point. I'll go check. ----You mind if I leave this package here?
GK: No, just set it on the chair.
TR: Thanks. Back in a jiffy. (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: Penny? Penny? (CLICKS PHONE) Penny? (CLICK)
TK (ON PHONE): Soooooooooul manf.OW!! I'm a soooooooooooul (CLICK)
GK: Penny?
SS (ON PHONE): Guy? Listen. I have these beautiful pants, a sort of plum plaid with touches of periwinkle. What do you think?
GK: Fine.
SS (ON PHONE): You sure?
GK: I'm sure.
SS (ON PHONE): I could fax you a picture, so you could see how it looks.
GK: I don't have a fax.
SS (ON PHONE): You could look at our website.
GK: Don't have a computer.
SS (ON PHONE): I could bring over a sample.
GK: You could? I thought you were in Wisconsin.
SS (ON PHONE): We have a phone center there in the Acme Building.
GK: I had no idea.
SS (ON PHONE): Ten seventy-seven Acme Building.
GK: You're just down the hall.
SS (ON PHONE): I'll be there in a jiffy. (CLICK)
GK: Yes, sir----
TK (PHONE): I'm a sooooooooooul manfff
GK: Sir----
TK (PHONE): I'm a soooooooooul manff..
GK: Sir. Listen to me.
TK (PHONE): What?
GK: I am very busy right now, and I don't see how I can go undercover and find a guy who you don't even know who he is. Okay? I'm busy----
TK (PHONE): I'll wait. Put me on hold.
GK: You want to go back on hold?
TK (PHONE): I like Hold. Yes. (CLICK) (POUNDING ON DOOR. MUFFLED SHOUTS)
GK: Oh for pity's sake. (FOOTSTEPS.) No need to pound.(OPENS DOOR)
TR: The bomb squad wasn't in ten-seventy-seven.
GK: I see. You think maybe that ten could be a nine? Nine seventy-seven?
TR: I'll go check. You mind if I leave that package here?
GK: No problem. (DOOR CLOSE) I sure never heard that the bomb squad had an office in the Acme Building----- (CLICK) Penny?
TK (PHONE): It's me. Soul man.
GK: Sorry. Wrong line. (CLICK) (DOOR KNOCKS) Yeah, come in, it's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN) Oh hello----
SS: Hi. I'm Penny from Peninsula Plaid Pants. (SEXY SAX)
GK: She was a tall girl with long auburn hair and a look in her eyes that'd make a man start babbling nuclear secrets whether he had any or not. Her skin resembled caramel and her face resembled something Botticelli was aiming for and never quite achieved. Her jeans were so tight I could understand finally how the femur and tibia work.
SS: I brought you a swatch of the plum plaid with periwinkle.
GK: It's beautiful.
SS: You like it? You don't think it's too tacky?
GK: It's beautiful.
SS: You see how the periwinkle catches the light? I thought your dad might like that.
GK: It's beautiful.
SS: Shall I order a pair for you?
GK: Beautiful.
SS: What size is your father?
GK: He's shrinking. Just make it small. He'll get there eventually. (DOOR KNOCKS) Yeah, come in. (DOOR OPEN)
TR: Nope, the bomb squad isn't on the ninth floor either.
GK: You know, you've managed to pique my curiosity, sir ---- why are you looking for the bomb squad?
TR: You see that package there?
GK: This one? The one that's ticking? (TICKS START AND CONTINUE) The one with the clock and the red and blue wires and the alarm that seems to be set to 4:19? This isn't what I think it is, is it?
TR: I'm afraid it is. I'm a chemist and explosives are sort of a hobby of mine.
GK: Well, turn off the timer.
TR: I'm not sure I remember which wire is which. (TICKING)
GK: You know, this is not a nice thing to do to people.
TR: I think it's the red but I can't be sure.
GK: Miss Perkins, we have sort of an urgent situation here. Maybe you should leave.
SS: How can I help, Guy?
GK: I have no idea.
TR: I'm really embarrassed about this. ----
GK: It's got to be either the blue wire or the red wire, right?
TR: Anyway, it's set to go off in two minutes.
GK: Two minutes? More like thirty seconds if you ask me.
TR: What time do you have?
GK: Four-nineteen. Is my watch fast? What time do you have?
TR: I don't have a watch. I used to but something about the silver plate irritated my skin. I used to get headaches from it. Unbelievable headaches. People didn't believe me when I said it was watch-related. But it was. I looked all over for a watch that wouldn't have that effect, but ---- nothing.
GK: Hey---- could we have a little focus right now? Huh? Get this bomb out of here----
TR: You want me to call Information and get correct time?
GK: I don't think they give correct time anymore.
TR: The phone company doesn't give the time anymore? Huh. Used to be you could just call up and----
GK: I know how it used to be----
SS: The bank building is right around the corner---- let me take a look out the window---- (FOOTSTEPS)(OFF) Can't see. (TR EFFORT) This window locked?
GK: No, it's just stuck.
(SS BIG EFFORT. WINDOW OPENS)
SS (OFF): From here, it looks like ---- four----- nineteenfff
GK: I'm going to pull the red wire.
TR: Good guess.
GK: Has this box been in your possession the whole time?
TR: Yes. (PHONE RING)
GK: Could you get that for me, Penny?
SS (PICK UP): Guy Noir, Private Eye. ----You're a what? You're a soul man? Hey, how'd you know that's my favorite song. -----No, really. I love it. And you sing it so well. ----
GK: Is that the idiot who wanted me to come and follow somebody----
SS: Where are you? ----- You are? Really? In the lobby?
GK: Penny, look I know you're old enough to make your own decisions about----
SS: Listen, I get off work in fifteen minutes. ---- Fine. I'll see you there. (HANG UP PHONE, FOOTSTEPS) He sounds like a really nice person. Good luck with the bomb. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Okay, here goes the red wire. (YANK WIRE, BREAKING IT. HISSING) What's that?
TR: It's a stink bomb.
GK: What???? (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) (BRIDGE)
GK: I ran back to my room at the Shropshire Arms and stood under the shower for most of the afternoon and it was a week before I could be around people without them edging away. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey there, Guy---- how's it going?
GK: Not so bad, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Haven't seen you in a while.
GK: Yeah, I've been sort of busy.
TR (JIMMY): Nice pants.
GK: Thanks.
TR (JIMMY): Never saw you in burgundy pants before.
GK: They're persimmon. I got em for my father but he didn't care for them.
TR (JIMMY): You been working with feed cattle, Guy?
GK: No, that's a smell that I've been trying to ----
TR (JIMMY): Sheep? Pigs?
GK: It's not from livestock, okay? ---
TR (JIMMY): You been eating a lot of fruit and legumes?
GK: It's from a stink bomb, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Oh.
GK: It's a long story.
TR (JIMMY): I can imagine. What can I get for you?
GK: The usual.
TR (JIMMY): Coming right up.
GK: It's taken me a week to get the thing under control.
TR (JIMMY): Let me tell you, Guy. You're not quite there yet.
GK: It's still bad?
TR (JIMMY): Between the smell and the pants, Guy, I don't think you need to worry about strange women accosting you.
GK: I haven't had that problem lately, you're right.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001