(GK: Garrison Keillor; GK: Tom Keith: TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott)
----- this portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf Laramie with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.
GK: Eh?
GK: Bonjour-----
GK: Did you sneeze?
GK: No. I said Bonjour.
GK: Sneezing is not permitted at the Cafe Boeuf.
GK: Why?
GK: Because it's snot. ----Never mind. Do you wish a table, monsieur?
GK: Oui, monsieur.
GK: A table for three?
GK: No. One.
GK: Indoors or outdoors?
GK: Outdoors.
GK: Very well. Right out this door, monsieur. (OPEN DOOR. TRUCKS PASSING, FAST, ABOUT SIX OF THEM, THEN A SEMI BLOWING ITS HORN GOES BY W. DOPPLER EFFECT)
GK: Never mind, that's all right. I'll sit inside tonight. (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: Right here, monsieur. A table for one.
GK: You wouldn't happen to have a table toward the rear, would you?
GK: You wish to sit on your rear?
GK: In the back of the room----
GK: You afraid to be seen in a French restaurant?
GK: Well, this is Wyoming. People think of French cuisine as --- you know --- a little effete.
GK: EFFETE? You say EFFETE? Whom do you call Effete? (ANGRY FRENCH)
GK: I'm just saying that a lot of Wyomingans might look upon French cuisine as being a little rarefied. Anyway, what do you have tonight, Maurice?
GK: (FRENCH GIBBERISH)
GK: What is that?
GK: What is what?
GK: (GIBBERISH)
GK: What about my wife's moustache?
GK: The dish you said.
GK: You mean (GIBBERISH)?
GK: Yes. What is it?
GK: It is the breast of vulture lightly braised in coyote sauce and served on a bed of basmati tumbleweed. Or we have (2ND GIBBERISH)....
GK: Maurice, I don't mean to insult you but I am an American and we don't go in for eating odd body parts, okay? This isn't the brains of something, is it?
GK: You don't eat brains?
GK: No.
GK: No pig brains?
GK: No.
GK: How would you feel if you gave up your life for people and they didn't care about your mind, they only wanted your butt?
GK: I don't know, it's just that you French consider certain things a delicacy that we don't.
GK: Like what?
GK: Well, that's what I'm wondering. This dish you told me about, this (GIBBERISH) ---- it isn't some weird thing, is it?
GK: (GIBBERISH)? You left your suitcase at the train station?
GK: The second thing you said.
GK: The (GIBBERISH)? It is a great delicacy. The sauteed throats of trout.
GK: Trout throats. What else do you recommend?
GK: (GIBBERISH)
GK: And what is that?
GK: The armpit of a young sheep----
GK: No, thanks----
GK: Stuffed with spinach sauteed in snails----
GK: Could you just bring me a steak?
GK: Yes, of course. How would you like it done?
GK: Very rare, juicy, and still with some coronary function.
GK: Excellent. And how about a nice red wine with that?
GK: Yes.
GK: What would you like?
GK: What do you have?
GK: Everything. What do you want?
GK: Recommend something.
GK: What do you like?
GK: Which wine would you choose if you were me?
GK: I don't know. Something in a carton, I suppose. A little cardboard carton with a plastic straw.
GK: Okay, how about a California wine?
GK: CALIFORNIA WINE????? EH?
GK: Sorry.
GK: AM I WEARING BOAT SHOES, MONSIEUR? HAVE I BLEACHED MY LEG HAIR?
GK: I'm sorry. A Wyoming wine.
GK: That is better. Which Wyoming wine?
GK: Do you have the Cote d'Cody?
GK: Beautiful. (FRENCH ENTHUSIASM) Which year would you like?
GK: '88?
GK: EIGHTY-EIGHT? (FRENCH DISGUST) I would not wash my socks in the '88! (HE SPITS WITH DISDAIN)
GK: '94?
GK: (GIBBERISH, COMME CI COMME CA)
GK: A '97?
GK: (FRENCH GUSTO. ENTHUSIASM)
GK: Good, huh?
GK: (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)
GK: It's spring, Maurice. Time to head for the Cafe Boeuf. The home of fine cuisine, the home of l'amour, the home of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)???? (PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2001