(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith: TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott)
GK: Now, let's listen to New York talk show hostess Megan Maxwell, on how she copes with the demands of stardom.
SS: My show, Megan! ---- that's with an exclamation mark--- Megan! --- my show is No. 1 in its time slot and I have a whole line of fragrances named for me and a magazine and a book club and a line of sportswear, and yet I never can forget growing up in Laramie, Wyoming, and the time I tapdanced to Tiptoe Through The Tulips at the junior high talent show and my white cotton undies fell down around my ankles. I'm a huge success today and yet I've never felt confident about my underwear. It always feels like it's about to fall off. How do I cope with painful memories? I stay in shape, I keep a positive outlook, I maintain a network of close friends, and I use a lot of drugs.
TR: Yes, pharmaceuticals. They're the answer for a lot of people who are no more screwed up than you are, so maybe they could help you. Ask your doctor for some free samples. Take them home and on a day when you don't need to work with numerals, try out a few and see what they do. If you're not using drugs now, maybe you should be. Everybody else is. Why aren't you?
GK: Me?
TR: Did you realize that your eyes are blank? Do you have trouble focusing?
GK: Focusing on what?
TR: Do you feel the edges of your personality are becoming blurred?
GK: It depends, I guess. In a way, sure.
TR: Are you beset with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness?
GK: I wouldn't say, beset. Maybe inundated, or beleaguered. Not beset.
TR: Ever feel that other people are talking about you---
GK: And saying what?
TR: Saying that your underwear isn't clean.
GK: Who? Me? My underwear?
TR: Let's see it.
GK: No.
TR: Why not? You ever find yourself driving around and around the block at the home of friends who invited you over, but you're scared to go in because of uncertainty about your underwear?
GK: Not often. Sometimes. A couple times a month. No more than that.
TR: If you suffer from shame and self-consciousness about your underwear, there's a pharmaceutical for you. Pharmaceuticals: they're not just for sick people anymore. A message from the American Pharmaceutical Foundation.
© Garrison Keillor 2001