(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the quiet streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions---Guy Noir, private eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was the end of April in St. Paul and people had switched over to their spring parkas. Everybody was trying to believe that winter really was over, that we weren't going to be hit by one of those Mother's Day blizzards like we've seen in the past. I was in my office, pulling out the newspapers I'd stuffed in around the windows (BALLING UP PAPER) and tearing off the sheets of polyurethane (LONG RIP OF TAPE) that covered the window on the north side ---- I folded it up so in a couple months when it starts getting cold again I can use it. I opened the window. (GK STRAINS, WINDOW RAISES SLOWLY, CREAKING) Pretty amazing to have fresh air blowing in. (PIGEONS) How you guys doing out here? Pretty rough winter, huh? (PIGEONS) Last fall, they were eagles, and now look at em. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah, the door's unlocked. Come in.
TK (TEEN): Hey Mr. Noir. I brought you the newspaper and your coffee.
GK: Thanks Wendell. Coffee, light?
TK: I got you a latte.
GK: I didn't ask for a latte. I asked for a coffee, light.
TK: Same difference, Mr. Noir.
GK: Not to me. I said a coffee light. Regular coffee in a Styrofoam cup with a little blip of non-dairy whitener. It's how I get my brain going.
TK: The latte's really good. It's from Bucksters.
GK: Bucksters! I gotta pay three dollars for a cup of coffee?
TK: Three fifty-nine. Plus two-sixty-nine for the bran muffin.
GK: I didn't ask for a bran muffin, Wendell. I asked for an English muffin, toasted, with extra butter.
TK: They don't have English muffins.......
GK: I asked for a cup of regular coffee with non-dairy whitener and a......
TK: Do you know how far I'd have to go to get an regular cup of coffee?? Huh? I'd have to take a bus over to the East Side and transfer and go up to Serlin's.....
GK: What happened to Lumpy's Cafeteria?
TK: Gone.
GK: Gone?? Lumpy's on Fifth Street?
TK: It's a Bucksters now.
GK: Lumpy is gone?
TK: He's gone, Mr. Noir.
GK: The man who knew I liked my eggs over easy and I liked em on top of the hash browns and knew exactly what shade to toast my muffin.
TK: There's a souffle restaurant there now.
GK: I don't want a souffle. I want my eggs over easy.
TK: Anyway, you owe me seven bucks, Mr. Noir. Not including tip.
GK: (GRUMBLING) (SLAPS DOWN BILLS AND A FEW COINS) There.
TK: Thanks. And the fifty cents is all for me?
GK: All right, all right, here's another quarter......(FOOTSTEPS OUT, DOOR CLOSE) (OPEN PAPER) Hmmmmmm. "Mississippi Flood Waters Rise As Local Brewery Switches From Lager to Brown Ale" --- interesting. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in.....the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN. SEXY SAX. CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) She was a tall long-legged brunette in shorts and a halter top that left little to the imagination and I've got a good imagination. Somehow she'd managed to get herself a good tan over the winter and stay in shape. Those deltoids were something to write home about. Yes, ma'am, what can I do you for?
SS: (LAUGHS) The name is Lana Hosanna, Mr. Noir. I'm working for my doctorate in theology at Luther Seminary and I'm putting myself through school dancing Friday and Saturday nights at Slappy's Trucker Palace.
GK: Well, somebody's gotta do it, right?
SS: That's how I look at it. Those truck drivers need somebody to look up to and throw twenty dollar bills at, so why not a theologian?
GK: I'm with you. It's a beautiful thing you're doing, I'm sure. And that's a beautiful necklace with that cross and everything.
SS: Thank you.
GK: It's beautiful. And the way it lies there, in that sort of valley, it ---- metaphorically, it's ---- it's a beautiful thing.
SS: You like it, don't you. You know how I can tell you like it?
GK: I do like it, but anyway, what can I do for you, Miss?
SS: I came to see you about a problem, Mr. Noir.
GK: Yes, of course.
SS: I've been having trouble with hecklers during my act.
GK: Hecklers? Somebody resents the sight of perfection?
SS: These guys in the back of the room when I dance, they yell stuff at me, and it throws me off.
GK: Those aren't hecklers, those are your biggest fans.
SS: It bothers me.
GK: You just need a snappy comeback. You just say something like, "I remember when I had my first beer."
SS: I think it's one guy, actually. A dummy.
GK: Then say it slower.
SS: No, I mean a ventriloquist. He's throwing his voice. His name is Bill.
GK: The dummy's name? Or the ventriloquist?
SS: It was hard to tell. (BRIDGE)
GK: I told Lana Hosanna I'd take her case. And I called up a friend of mine, an agent who specializes in kiddie birthday parties ---- he knows all the clowns, the mimes, the jugglers, the balloon artists, the face painters, the ventriloquists----
TK (ON PHONE): Bill? Sure, I know 'him. Booked him for the Swenson kid's birthday in January. Then they came into the office and the dummy tried to make a date with my secretary and I kicked them out of my office.
GK: Where can I find him?
TK (ON PHONE): Try the Junior Woodchuck Club. (BRIDGE)
GK: I drove out to the Junior Woodchuck Club, a sort of environmental saloon where old lefties sit and drink martinis but out of earthenware goblets and the olives come from countries with decent wages and environmental standards. I talked to the waitress, Sheila.
SS (OLDER): Yeah, I know the dummy you're talking about. Came in the other night and got stiff as a board. On Bordeaux.
GK: The dummy did.
SS (OLDER): Said it went against his grain to get drunk but he'd been pining for someone and would I forgive him? Or did I not want to touch him with a ten-foot pole?
GK: And you said?
SS (OLDER): I said that if he spruced himself up, he'd be more poplar. (BRIDGE)
GK: She said to look at Woody's College of Ventriloquism. So I looked in the yellow pages under Ventriloquism, it said to see Disguise. I looked under Disguise, it said, "See Subterfuge." I looked under Subterfuge, it said, "See Camouflage." Under Camouflage, it said, "See Obfuscation." Under Obfuscation, it said "See Woody". I found his School of Ventriloquism in a strip mall off the Interstate. Walked in and there was a familiar figure in the office.
TR (GORE): Well, hello Mr. Noir. Remember me?
GK: Al Gore.
TR (GORE): I'm Al Gore. Remember?
GK: What are you doing here, Mr. Vice President?
TR (GORE): I'm taking a course in ventriloquism..
GK: You are?
TR (GORE): Well, Tipper thought it might help me express myself in a warmer and more natural and friendly manner if I was able to speak through someone else. You mind if I demonstrate? I'd like you to meet my friend Bill.
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Hi, Mr. Noir. I'm Bill Clinton. Can you feel my pain? We Democrats used to be in power and now we're just a splinter group.
GK: Your lips are moving, Mr. Gore.
TR (GORE): The one part of my body that moves. The hollow irony of it.
GK: Well, you'll get better, I'm sure.
TR (GORE): That's what Tipper says. She's been so encouraging. I think this could be a new career for Al Gore.
GK: New career?
TR (GORE): I miss being out there in front of the crowds. What do you think of Bill? I made him of recycled wood. ----Say Bill, have you seen Monica lately?
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Man, she's looking hot.
TR (GORE): Now, Bill. That's not polite to talk about women that way.
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): I've got a piece of wood for....
TR (GORE): Bill! What's Hillary going to say?
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Oh oh. I been bad again, haven't I.
GK: Very good, Mr. Gore. Very good.
TR (GORE): It's just like being back in the White House. Bill being the bad boy, me being the straight man.
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Hey, the only people who get to put their hand up my butt and control what I say are major donors ----
TR (GORE): I guess you're no dummy.
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Me? A dummy? You're the dummy. Look at who beat you.
TR (GORE): So, Bill, how does it feel now that you're out of office and Hillary is a senator?
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): It's great, Al. Twice a week, we go out to a nice restaurant, enjoy dinner, and companionship.
TR (GORE): Really?
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Hillary goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
TR (GORE): You're not bitter, are you, Bill? Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.
TR (GORE AS CLINTON): Nope. That's just my head.
GK: Just a minute. You two know a dancer named Lana Hosanna. at Slappy's Trucker Palace?
TR (GORE): Bill does, I don't.
GK: She says you've been heckling her.
TR (GORE): Well, that couldn't have been me. I would never do that. It was Bill.
GK: It's spring, Mr. Gore. I think we should all be a little careful about letting go of too many inhibitions. ----
TR (GORE): You don't think I should go into show business?
GK: It's fine, but just, let's not lose sight of the horizon, okay? Let's keep Up and Down as a basic reference point.
TR (GORE): I'd come out and do fifteen minutes with Bill and then I'd sing a few songs---
It's only a paper moon (DANCING, SORT OF)
Flying high in a cardboard sky
But it wouldn't be make believe
If you believed in me.
GK: It's wonderful, sir. You keep on working on it and when you think it's ready, I'll get you some children's birthday parties. I said good-bye and shook the wooden hand and then I shook the dummy's hand. I could see they were meant for each other. (BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy, how's it going?
GK: Not so bad, Jimmy. Now that spring is here, not so bad.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah. You look like you've lost weight, Guy.
GK: I did. I took off my winter coat.
TR (JIMMY): Oh. Sure. Right. What can I get you?
GK: The usual, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): We're offering latte drinks now, Guy.
GK: Latte? You think I come in a bar for a cup of latte?
TR (JIMMY): They're good. You put Cognac in it, it's a Summa Cum Laude Latte. You add schnapps to make a Lotte Lenya Latte. For the Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin latte, you add grog. You put in Creme de Cacao it's a Ladida Latte. You put in Campari, it's a Pavarotti Latte. You put in paint thinner, it's a Jesse The Body Latte.
GK: I'll stick with the usual.
TR (JIMMY): One martini with a soybean, coming up!
GK: Something happens to people in the spring, you ever notice that, Jimmy? Especially after six months of winter.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, I noticed.
GK: They sort of come unhinged. Even the Baptists get a little giddy. The Swedes keep it under control pretty well, but you look at those Baptists, walking down the street, you can tell that they're thinking about dancing. It's on their minds.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, I know. Say, did you hear that Lumpy closed up his cafeteria?
GK: Yeah. Too bad.
TR (JIMMY): He decided to go into modeling.
GK: Lumpy?
TR (JIMMY): He's modeling men's underwear.
GK: Lumpy is?
TR (JIMMY): Saw him in a catalogue. Modeling little black briefs.
GK: How'd you know it was Lumpy?
TR (JIMMY): He said it was him.
GK: Oh.
TR (JIMMY): Why would a guy lie about a thing like that?
GK: Right. How did he look?
TR (JIMMY): Lumpy?
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): Terrific. He lost weight when he closed the cafeteria.
GK: I suppose so. I suppose we all will.
(THEME MUSIC)
SS: A dark night in the city that knows how to keep its secrets, but a light shines on the 12th floor of the Acme Building---Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor