(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
It's spring and spring is the time for fresh rhubarb pie, pie made from rhubarb in your garden or in a ditch or vacant lot, wherever rhubarb grows ---- just pick a dozen stalks and take them home and (CHOPPING) cut them up and throw in a bunch of sugar (AVALANCHE) and make up your pie dough (MIXER) and roll it out flat (ROLLER) and grease the pie pan (SQUISHING) and lay in the dough (SCHLOMP) and pour in the rhubarb filling (GLOP POURING) and set your oven to 350 (INFERNO) and put the pie in the oven and take a nap (SNORING) and your snoring will get your hamster excited (HAMSTER) and get him running in his wheel (RUNNING HAMSTER, WHIRR OF WHEEL) and the wheel will tighten a cable (RATCHET) that turns on your hot water faucet (FAUCET WHOOSH) which makes your upstairs neighbor's shower unbearably cold (MUFFLED SCREAM), causing him to come downstairs in his towel (SOUND OF WET, BARE FEET) and bang so loudly on your door (BANGING), the chandelier starts vibrating (GLASS TINKLING) which loosens a crystal (PING) which falls on the start button of your electric train set (BONK) which starts the trains moving (CHUGGING, ACCEL) and the train pulls a string tied to your hat rack (CREAKING), which falls on the floor (CRASH) which wakes up your cat (MEOW) who goes to her catbox in the kitchen (SCRATCHING IN CATBOX) and the odor upsets the pet chicken (CHICKEN FLURRY) and she pecks a switch (CLICK) that releases the lever that opens the oven door (CREAKING OF DOOR) and the grate tips (CREAKING, SLIDING) and the pie slides off onto the train (CHUGGING) as it passes and it's carried to the bedroom where it climbs through three hairpin curves (CHUGGING) past your wife (SNORE) and kid (BABY SNORE) and dog (DOG SNORE) and your cockroach (INSECT SNORE) before it finally lands on the buzzer of your alarm (ALARM) and you wake up (YAWN) and reach under your pillow for your fork and there you are. Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor