(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
----- this portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.
TK: Eh?
GK: Bonjour-----
TK: Not sure about what, monsieur?
GK: Never mind.
TK: What can I bring you, monsieur?
GK: How about a salad?
TK: Oui, monsieur. Un salade! And after that?
GK: That's all.
TK: That's all, monsieur?
GK: That's all.
TK: A salad, monsieur?
GK: A salad.
TK: One little salad?
GK: That's all.
TK: What dressing with your salad?
GK: French?
TK: Monsieur, they are all French. All of the dressings are French. This is a French restaurant, non? The bread, it is French bread, the fried potatoes they are French fried, the baked potatoes they are French baked, the dressings are French.
GK: How about Roquefort?
TK: We have no more Roquefort.
GK: Bleu cheese?
TK: No more Bleu cheese.
GK: Vinaigrette?
TK: We are out of vinaigrette.
GK: Italian?
TK: Never heard of it.
GK: Russian?
TK: Be serious, monsieur.
GK: How about ranch?
TK: Ranch, monsieur?
GK: Ranch.
TK: We have ranch but not for you.
GK: Why not?
TK: Ranch only comes with a salad that is ordered with boeuf, monsieur.
GK: Oh.
TK: Only with a boeuf entree. That's why it's called ranch dressing.
GK: I didn't know that.
TK: A ranch is not where they raise salads, monsieur. A ranch is for boeuf!
GK: So if I don't order boeuf, I have to have my salad with no dressing.
TK: Oui, monsieur.
GK: I really only wanted a salad.
TK: Yes, I know.
GK: I've been trying to cut back.
TK: I can see why.
GK: You couldn't just ----
TK: Non.
GK: You couldn't?
TK: Non.
GK: I have to order the boeuf?
TK: Oui.
GK: Okay, I'll have the boeuf.
TK: Excellent. (FRENCH ENTHUSIASM) You wish your boeuf cooked rare, monsieur?
GK: I was thinking of medium, actually. Or medium well.
TK: MEDIUM WELL???? (FRENCH OUTRAGE) Medium!!! What is this, medium??? Why not order the boeuf covered with melted cheese, monsieur???? Why not have it chopped up and put in a bun with a big pickle!!!!!
GK: Okay. Okay. I'll have it rare.
TK: Beautiful. (FRENCH ADMIRATION) How rare?
GK: A little rare? Medium rare?
TK: Medium rare!!!! What is it with the medium???? The cow have given its life so you can overcook its body?????
GK: Okay. What do you recommend?
TK: I recommend very rare. Dark red and cool in the middle. The meat still (HEARTBEAT) ---- you know what I mean?
GK: Okay, whatever you say.
TK: You are a brave man, monsieur. I salute you! (HE KISSES HIM TWICE ON EACH CHEEK) (FRENCH GIBBERISH, IN SALUTE) La belle France salutes you. Here. A cigarette.
GK: I don't smoke.
TK: You don't smoke?
GK: I don't smoke.
TK: How can you not smoke?
GK: I don't smoke.
TK: Are you celibate too?
GK: No.
TK: Do you make love to your wife?
GK: Yes.
TK: How can you make love if you don't have a cigarette afterwards?
GK: We just do the best we can.
TK: Americans. (FRENCH WEARINESS) No wonder you're afraid of death, you don't know how to live. Ah well. I'll smoke it for you. (LIGHT MATCH. INHALE. LONG EXHALE. COUGH) Excellent. ---- What with the boeuf? Potatoes?
GK: Yes, the long thin fried potatoes. Sort of square-shaped. Fried nice and brown.
TK: Oui, monsieur. And wine?
GK: Yes, please.
TK: What kind?
GK: I don't care. What do you have?
TK: Everything. What do you want?
GK: It doesn't matter. Anything. A red wine.
TK: Of course, what kind? ----
GK: You choose.
TK: Just tell me what you want.
GK: Something appropriate.
TK: It's up to you, monsieur. It makes no difference to me.
GK: Please. You choose something.
TK: I don't know what you like, monsieur.
GK: How about a Pinot Noir?
TK: PINOT NOIR? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PINOT NOIR!!! EH? WHERE IS THE PINOT NOIR? IS THERE A REGION OF FRANCE CALLED PINOT NOIR?? PINOT NOIR IS FROM OREGON, MONSIEUR. IT'S MADE FROM WOOD CHIPS. (PFFFFFFFFFF)
GK: Okay, Burgundy.
TK: BURGUNDY WITH A VERY RARE BOEUF?
GK: How about a Cabernet?
TK: THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE AS CABERNET! IT'S NOT FRENCH. ARE WE IN CALIFORNIA? IS MY NAME BRENT?
GK: A Bordeaux then
TK: That is better.
GK: Your best Bordeaux.
TK: You want the best?
GK: Please.
TK: It's very expensive.
GK: Please. And bring two glasses.
TK: Two?
GK: Please.
TK: Pour moi???
GK: Please. Join me.
TK: With pleasure, monsieur. (CORKSCREW. POP CORK) (LONG POUR) And for you, monsieur. (SHORT POUR)
GK: Here's to spring, Maurice. Vive l'amour. Viva printemp.
TK: You're not sure you're going to the Prom?
GK: Here's to love. (CLINK) A message from the Cafe Boeuf. The home of good eaters, of heroism, of passion, of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)???? (PLAYOFF)
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor