(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
(MUSIC)
GK:
What'll I do when you are far awayMy wife's been gone a lot lately. She's a musician, and they work nights, and I've been incredibly lonely, so the other night when I saw in the paper that the Blue Herons were performing out at the Little Big Horn Casino south of town I headed out there ---- they were a popular group from when I was in high school, and their song "Lonely Boy" meant a lot to me growing up---
And I feel blue, what'll I do----
I am a lonely boy all by myself although the room is crowdedBut when I got to the casino I was shocked at how old the people were who were standing in line ----
It's just the way life is and there's nothing anyone can do about it
TR (GEEZER): Yeah, they were my favorite group. Them and the Flamingoes.
GK: It was so discouraging, I went and sat in the bar. I ordered a glass of water and two antidepressants.
SS: Carson? Is that you? Remember me? From high school? I was Elaine Sorenson---
GK: Elaine. Right. From choir.
SS: Now I'm Chantal.
GK: Nice to see you again. What are you up to?
SS: I'm a spiritual facilitator.
GK: Oh.
SS: I mentor persons who seek the true path of infolded enlightenment.
GK: Must keep you busy.
SS: Well, you're certainly looking good. I must say. Really.
GK: Thanks.
SS: I really mean that. I'm not just saying it to be polite. I really really mean it.
GK: Thanks.
SS: You really look terrific. Anyway, I gotta run.
GK: Nice to see you.
SS: Nice to see you! (MUSIC)
GK: It hurts me so deeply when someone says, "You're certainly looking good." Back when I looked good, nobody felt they needed to comment on it.
What'll I do when you are far awayI wandered into the casino (CASINO SFX), just looking around and I happened to pass the poker table (CARDS SHUFFLED) and there was my old scoutmaster, Mr. Anderson, sitting with a big stack of red chips in front of him and a Scotch and soda. The guy who took us canoeing and taught us the bowline-hitch. The dealer was just dealing a new hand.
And I feel blue, what'll I do?
TK: Cards to the gamblers. Comin' out, gentlemen. You in, sir?
GK: Sure. (TK DEALS OUT FIVE PILES OF FIVE) ---I sat down and he dealt me a pair of aces, and I looked to my right and ---- I could see the scoutmaster's hand: two sixes. And then he recognized me---
TR: Hello there.
GK: Hi, Mr. Anderson.
TR: Haven't seen you in awhile, Charlie.
GK: It's Carson, Mr. Anderson.
TR: Carson. Right. Everything going okay for you, Carson?
GK: Yeah.
TR: Good.
GK: How about you, Mr. Anderson? Taking any canoe trips?
TR: Haven't been in a canoe in ages. Hated canoeing. Hated it. I was a Scoutmaster for years, you know.
GK: I know. That's how I know you.
TR: Were you in my troupe? Charlie, right?
TK: Open on any pair, folks.
TR: I'll open. Twenty dollars.
GK: Maybe you'd better be careful, Mr. Anderson.
SS: I'll call the twenty and raise fifty. (SHE IS AUNT GLADYS THROUGHOUT)
TR: Called.
GK: What are you putting down the chip for, Mr. Anderson? TK: Cards?
TR: One.
GK: I could see his cards after he drew, he was holding them low; a pair of sixes, a two, an ace and a jack.
TK: You opened, Mr. Anderson.
TR: Hmmmmm. Well, the little lady must have somethin' pretty good over there, but I just can't help myself here. Gotta go a hundred.
SS: Let's make it three hundred. Raise ya two hundred.
GK: Hey. Let's just have a friendly game, what do you say?
TR: Two hundred back to me, huh. Very nice. I'll see you; and in all good conscience I'll have to raise this up where it belongs.
GK: I don't think you should do that, Mr. Anderson.
TR: Raise you five hundred.
SS: Five hundred, huh. That's fine. So I'm goin' to raise you another five hundred.
GK: Hey. This guy's got short-term memory loss-----
TR: Okay. I'll see that, and that's the third raise. So let's see what you've got, Ma'am.
SS: Full house, mister. (SHE FANS CARDS AND SETS THEM DOWN)
TR: Guess that beats a pair of sixes.
GK: I kept trying to tell you, Mr. Anderson.
TR: Who are you?
GK: I'm Carson. We went on canoe trips. We sang Kumbaya together. You and me and Billy and Brian and Jim and Gary. We learned the dead man's float from you, Mr. Anderson. We learned the two-handed set shot. You taught me to be trustworthy and reverent and clean and brave.
TR: Could you lend me five hundred dollars?
GK: Let me take you home.
TR: I'm not ready to go home.
GK: Yes, you are. Come on.
TR: Lend me some money. Just until tomorrow, Charlie. I'll pay you back. I promise.
GK: I'll give you a ride. Come on. We'll talk about old times.
TR: Forget it. (BRIDGE)
GK: I hate casinos. They always depress me. I don't know why I came. I wish my wife were home more.
What'll I do when you are far away
And I feel blue, what'll I do?
SS: How come you laid down your hand, sonny? Two aces, that's not bad at all.
GK: And suddenly I recognized her? The woman who'd just taken my old scoutmaster to the cleaners. ---Aunt Gladys?
SS: Nice to see you. Never ran into you out here at the casino before---
GK: What are you doing here?
SS: Having a good time.
GK: Where's Uncle George?
SS: I dumped him.
GK: I can't believe it. You dumped him?
SS: Shoveled him into the Good Shepherd Home and started dating again.
GK: When did you start using makeup, Aunt Gladys? Orange lipstick?
SS: Bernie likes it.
GK: Who's Bernie?
SS: My boyfriend. We go out to Vegas every couple months or so. He's a hoot.
GK: Aunt Gladys, is that a drink in your hand?
SS: It's called a Bombardier. Got vodka and rum and I don't know what all. Whatever sails your boat, I say.
GK: Are you warm enough in that dress?
SS: Bought it at Frederick's of Hollywood. Kind of an eye catcher, isn't it.
GK: When you taught Sunday School, you wore a long print dress and sensible shoes and you only put a little powder on your nose. Not all this eye shadow. You used to preach No Sex Before Marriage and Not Much After.
SS: Well, that was then and this is now. People change.
GK: And what are these on your arms? Are these tattoos? This barbed wire?
SS: Bernie likes tattoos. Listen, sonny. I spent seventy years being careful and now it's time to cut loose.
GK: Aunt Gladys, I really think I should get a coat to put over you.
SS: Naw. This is a body stocking I got on underneath. I only look naked.
GK: Aunt Gladys?
SS: Yeah?
GK: I take it you're not Lutheran anymore.
SS: I cleared out of there years ago.
GK: Really----
SS: Switched over to the Church of the Universal Whatever.
GK: Unbelievable.
SS: I figured I'd eaten enough Swedish meatballs. Got browned off on the whole business. Decided I wanted to cut loose and shake my bootie. I'm having a ball! (SHE WHOOPS) (MUSIC)
GK: I looked around the casino and saw all the senior citizens throwing caution to the winds and I thought, That's the result of left-wing domination of the media. Everyone out for their own gratification. My Aunt Gladys in a see-through dress and orange lipstick, playing blackjack. And suddenly I realized I could no longer be a liberal.
TK: You Mr. Wyler?
GK: Yes?
TK: Phone call for you.
GK: Thanks.
TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Mr. Wyler? President Bush. Just want to say welcome to the Republican Party, and tell you how pleased I am. And I'd like to give you your own personal presidential nickname. From now on, how about I call you Lucky?
GK: Yes, sir. ----- And that's what happens when my wife is gone in the evenings. I hope she comes back soon.
What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone with only thoughts of you
So sweet and true, what'll I do?
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor