(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, RD: Rich Dworsky)

... after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.


TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. Now that the kids are gone and all their pets are dead, we're finally able to live our own lives and go out to eat at wonderful little ethnic restaurants with waiters with accents and not rush through the meal but converse about things that happened before 1980 or even 1970, and we're able to have beautiful furniture without pee stains on them. It's a good life. But the other day---

SS: Suddenly ----I don't know --- I feel utterly empty inside.

TR: I guess I sensed as much, Barb.

SS: The house is beautiful, and thanks to that article in Readers Digest, our sex life is richer and more passionate and yet there's something missing.

TR: Maybe there's a book we could read that would help us.

SS: We've read every self-help book there is, Jim.

TR: Maybe we should go and talk to a public radio personality. They seem to know a lot. How about Carson Wyler?

SS: Oh, he'd be much too busy to see ordinary folks like us, Jim.

TR: It couldn't hurt to try, Judy. (BRIDGE)

SS: The next morning, we were ushered into the offices of Minnesota Public Radio. --- Look----There he is.

TR: Don't point, Barb.

SS: Amazing that a man who broadcasts to thousands every week should have an ordinary little cubicle like everyone else, instead of something with wainscoting and a credenza.

GK: Please, sit down, Jim and Barb.

SS: He said, extending a hand.

TR: You look so much younger and more vital than one would guess from hearing you on the radio, sir.

GK: Thank you. But don't call me sir. My friends all call me Mr. Wyler.

SS: It's about this feeling of emptiness that we have, Mr. Wyler. We live a full rich life and yet there's something missing.

GK: I had that same feeling about three months ago, Barb and Jim. And then I tried using more ketchup. And you know something? It gave me a feeling of levelness and satisfaction I'd been longing for.

TR: Is that because ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that work fast to relieve dissatisfaction?

GK: That's right, Jim. They're called melatonins and they're more important than almost anything else you get in food.

SS: We haven't been eating as much ketchup as we used to, we've been experimenting with curry sauces and expensive designer salsas.

GK: You may not be getting the mellowing agents you need.

SS: Thank you, Mr. Wyler.

TR: Guess it'll be more ketchup for us from now on.


A new day is dawning, the colors of sun rise,
All is possibility, for us to realize,
Rich and mellow, like ketchup on French fries.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.

RD: Ketchup... ketchup...

(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor