(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell; WB: Walter Bobbie)
GK: Thanksgiving Day for those of you who grew up in New York was, of course, an entirely different holiday from what we knew in Minnesota. You ordered out for your dinner ----
SS (ACTRESSLY): I'd like the General Tsao's Turkey, Sweet and Sour Yams, and Moo Shu mashed potatoes with Peking cranberry sauce. Cool. And the Seven Joys pumpkin pie.
GK: Whereas in Minnesota there was no take-out, because we lived on a rural route (COWS) and delivery men didn't go there on account of the sudden blizzards that always came up just before Thanksgiving (BLIZZARD) and family members got lost in the storm (SS ECHO: Elmer!!??? Gladys!!!??? Lois???!!!) and then we had to chase the turkey (TURKEY, RUNNING, DODGING. SHOUTS. TURKEY FLURRY) around the barn and through the yard and when we caught him we had to murder him (CHOP OF AXE, THROUGH NECK) and we had to strip off the feathers (LONG RIP) and butcher him (SLIT AND SQUISH OF GUTS) and after you do that, you lose your taste for turkey for awhile. And meanwhile wild animals (WOLF) tried to eat the pies that were cooling in the window (GUNSHOTS) and my dad was always in a bad mood (TR SWEDISH) because the farm had been foreclosed by the bank and ---- it was just miserable, whereas you who grew up in New York went off to a fancy restaurant for your dinner------ (TK BRIT: Your table, sir. TR FRENCH) ---- and afterward the chauffeur drove you to the theater for the play---- (SS: Long Day's Journey Into Night! The reviews say it's splendid!) ---- whereas for us in Minnesota, Long Day's Journey Into Night was not a play, it was life as we knew it----- the uncles gathered in the living room -----(TV AUDIO, GAME) uncle Earl, deeply involved in the football game (TR: What??? You gotta be kidding!!! Holding!!!) --- he was a guy for whom football was a major emotional outlet ----
TR: Holding!!! They've been holding all afternoon and no whistle or anything and now one of our guys sticks his arm out and somebody runs into it and they call holding!! Holding!! I can't believe it!!!
GK: Happy thanksgiving, Uncle Earl. ---- And Uncle Merle is there, who doesn't know where he is. (TK JOWLY MAN, CONFUSED) And my dad is there (TR SWEDISH). And then there's Uncle Burl the salesman.
WB: Hey, hey--- Did you realize that you are seriously underinsured. I mean it.
GK: Could we talk about this later?
WB: "Later" he says. Listen to him. "later" never comes. You want me to go out to my car, get the book ---- I'm with Holstein Mutual now--- let me show you a policy ---- it'll take five minutes.
GK: I'll call you.
WB: Five minutes. All I'm trying to do is help. (FADING) You try to help people, what do they do? Do they thank you? No. I don't understand it.
GK: All the uncles are in the living room and all the aunts are in the kitchen.
SS: Oh, hi. (BIG SPLAT) Oh no. Dropped the mashed potatoes.
GK: It's a continual crisis in the kitchen. Women slaving over the dinner and adding butter to everything. (SQUISH) Basting the turkey (SQUIRT) and whipping the potatoes (BEATER) and adding butter of course (SQUISH, RESUME BEATER), and worrying, constant anxiety.
SS: I don't know what happened with that pie crust. I couldn't get it flaky the way I always do. Look at that. It's not flaky. I don't know if the water was too cold or what----- maybe I used too much butter. Earl likes his crust flaky. Oh----- (CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE)---- dropped the pie.
GK: And sitting at the table was my mom.
WB (MOM): Hi honey. Come on in and take a load off.
SS: Tell me what you think of the gravy. Is it too salty? I don't know.
GK: It tastes great.
WB (MOM): Soon as we whomp up some more spuds, you can call the menfolk in to dinner and we'll put the hay down where the goats can get it.
SS: Where in the world did I put the sage?
GK: Everything sure smells good.
WB (MOM): Oh really?
GK: Smells delicious.
WB (MOM): Oh. You don't say.
SS: You ain't seen the sage around, have you?
GK: Is something wrong, Mom? What's in that glass?
WB (MOM): This glass with the little paper parasol?
GK: Mom, is that a new dress you're wearing?
WB (MOM): This little black number with the see-through blouse, you mean?
SS (OFF): It was in a bowl. I set it down here.
GK: I don't remember seeing that before.
WB (MOM): I guess you're not very observant then, are you.
GK: And those little white paper cartons? Are those----
SS (OFF): I thought I set it down here.
WB (MOM): I got hungry for some shrimp in garlic sauce.
GK: You ordered take-out?
WB (MOM): Why not? I always do.
GK: You do?
SS (OFF): Whole bunch of sage.
WB (MOM): Remember how every Thanksgiving I'm always getting up to go get something in the kitchen?
GK: You were going in there to get shrimp in garlic sauce?
WB (MOM): It's tasty. Here. Try some.
SS: Oh what the heck. I'll just use parsley. (MUSIC)
GK: I'll never forget the year I found Mom standing over the hot stove and pouring melted butter over the dressing. (POURING, WITH SOME BLOBS OF CHUNKS OF BUTTER) Are you sure the recipe calls for that much butter, Mom?
WB (MOM): It makes it easier to swallow. Otherwise someone's going to get crumbs stuck in his throat and I'm going to have to do a tracheotomy on the spot with a paring knife and I'd just rather not.
GK: Are you having a good time, Mom?
WB (MOM): Honey, when I married your father, somehow the idea of a good time didn't seem an applicable standard.
GK: Well, I'm sorry. How's the turkey coming?
WB (MOM): The turkey!!! Oh my gosh. I knew there was something I forgot!
GK: Where is it?
WB (MOM): Must be in the freezer, honey.
GK: In the freezer! But it's one o'clock. It's an hour until dinner.
WB (MOM): Boy, our goose is cooked now. (KONKS TURKEY) Frozen solid. Hand me that chainsaw, honey. Thanks. (STARTS CHAINSAW, STARTS CUTTING) It thaws faster if it's cut up, you know. (CHAINSAW REV AND CUT) Tell them dinner's a little late.
GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, TV AUDIO GAME) Uncle Earl----
TR: I can't believe it. Third and sixteen and they run the draw play!!! The draw play!!!
GK: Dinner's going to be a little late, Uncle Earl.
TR: Third and sixteen! And what'd they get? Two yards! Two yards!
GK: Uncle Merle----
TK: (DEMENTED JOWLY MAN).
GK: Uncle Burl?
WB: You got five minutes? I'll go get my book. It's in the car.
GK: Dinner's late. Dad?
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Dinner's late, Dad. (TR SWEDISH) Just sit tight everybody. We're doing the best we can. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Okay. I told them. How's that turkey coming, Mom?
WB: (MOM): Hard as a rock.
GK: I don't think it's going to thaw in time for dinner, Mom.
WB (MOM): Oh, you're so right. And who needs it anyway? Turkey is pumped full of hormones and you know what it does to people?
GK: No, what?
WB (MOM): It makes them a lot like your father.
GK: Dad?
WB (MOM): What a turkey. You don't want to know! ---Listen, I've got an idea. Let's go to New York.
GK: New York?
WB (MOM): Why not? I'll put the turkey in at 350 ---- by the time they notice we're gone, it'll be done to a crisp. (MUSIC BRIDGE).
GK: So that's what we did. Mom and I came to New York for Thanksgiving and went straight to Le Cote Basque.
TK FRENCH
TR FRENCH
WB (MOM): Bring me a walloping big Martini and a couple dozen oysters on the half shell. And a Shirley Temple for my son.
GK: It was a wonderful holiday, one we'll never forget.
WB (MOM): I brought all the egg money and a purseful of plastic. Let's whoop it up!
TR FRENCH
WB (MOM): And bring us some of what those people are having!
GK: Mom, it's great to be in New York with you.
WB (MOM): Four hundred dollars for a hotel room. Is that the weekly rate or the monthly? Oh let's not worry about it. How do you like my perfume? Bought it this morning. It makes me all giddy.
GK: Here's to you, Mom.
WB (MOM): Thanksgiving in New York! Why didn't we do this years ago?
(MUSIC)
WB: Over the river across the bridge And off to a swank hotel. A penthouse suite is a nice retreat It's expensive but what the heck.
GK:We'll blow our nose and put on our clothes To the restaurant we go, A table for two, just me and you, And a bottle of Bordeaux.
WB: Over the river across the bridge To the Upper East Side The cab knows the way to a nice cafe Four stars in the Michelin Guide.
BOTH: Out of the cab and through the door Hurray for the maitre'd And the waiter who serves the nice hors d'oeuvres
WB: Hurray for the joie de vie.
BOTH: A lobster bisque and a plate of shellfish And a salad and steak tartare
WB: And Courvoisier and creme brulee
BOTH: And coffee and a cigar.
WB: Oh let's have another! After all, I'm your mother---
GK: And then we'll send for the car. For the holiday in a swell cafe How very thankful we are.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor