(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell; WB: Walter Bobbie)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the quiet streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, private eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: Thanksgiving snuck up on me this year. I was so engrossed in the presidential stuff in Florida and then there was this billboard with Cameron Diaz on it and she was looking straight at me-----
SS (REVERB): Hi. I'm in Hollywood. When are you coming out to see me? Give me a call. I'd love to see you again. You're such a cool guy.
GK: ---- And I was tuned to this all-news station trying to find out about the recount and it seemed like it was one disaster after another.
SS (RADIO newSCASTER): A truck carrying ten tons of nonfat yogurt crashed into a trout farm in Indiana after the driver was overcome by acidophilus fumes. Ten-thousand rainbows were asphyxiated in yogurt. Brent----
TR (RADIO newSCASTER): In Georgia, a tank containing fifty thousand gallons of chicken gravy ruptured and burst into flames, forcing the evacuation of thousands of residents until firemen were able to (CLICK).
GK: And then it was Thanksgiving and my sister Georgina kept leaving all these messages for me on the machine-----
SS (ON PHONE): Guy? Honey? Please! Why are you doing this to me? Pick up a phone and call me! Please. It's Thanksgiving. (CLICK)
GK: I like Georgina, it's the guy she married who's the problem. The guy has the personality of a used tea bag.
TR (ON PHONE): How can you do this to your sister? Get your butt out here, the turkey is getting cold, ya creep.
GK: I wasn't in that thankful a mood, frankly, thanks to the news on the radio.
SS (newSCASTER ON RADIO): In Florida, officials say that 20,000 ballots from West Palm Beach may have been accidentally used for Thanksgiving stuffing. More from reporter Justin Case.
TK (REPORTER, GIBBERISH, DISTORTED, STATIC)
SS (RADIO newSCASTER): And in Dade County, officials found thousands of ballots shredded and used as bedding for hamsters (CLICK).
GK: I was just about to head over to the Five Spot when (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ---- Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Yeah, what can I do for you, ma'am.
SS (VALLEY GIRL): Yeah, it's like, okay, so I got this little problem, like---- I don't know. You know? Like, okay, I wake up this afternoon and I like look in the mirror and ---- euuuuuuwww. Gross.
GK: What's that, ma'am?
SS (VALLEY GIRL): It's acne.
GK: What do you want me to do about it? I'm a private eye.
SS (VALLEY): Yeah, but, like the sign said Acne Building.
GK: We've been having trouble with that sign, ma'am. It's the Acme Building. Acme.
SS (VALLEY): Oh. Okay. You don't know a good dermatologist, do you?
GK: No.
SS (VALLEY): Okay. Later.
GK: Right. Later. (DOOR CLOSE) I was waiting to hear what they were going to do in Miami-Dade county, but all I could get on the radio was this drumbeat of bad news. (CLICK)
SS (newSCASTER): In Florida, a lawsuit charges that thousands of voters were turned away from the polls on Election Day because their first name was Chad. Now here's Trent with the weather.
TR (RADIO newSCASTER): A 90 percent chance of darkness overnight with a slight chance of hail and a plague of locusts. Tomorrow, an increase in radiation. (CLICK)
GK: I've always found the holidays depressing (PHONE RING). They look so good on TV in those holiday specials (PHONE RING), they kind of emphasize the heartwarming side of families (PHONE RING) and they de-emphasize the heartburn aspect and you have people looking dewy-eyed at each other (PHONE RING) and the sun is setting and people are saying things like, "I'm so glad we had this talk" (PHONE RING) The reality is different. The reality is more like Elian Gonzalez. You're trapped in a house with relatives, and Janet Reno has to send guys in riot gear (PHONE RING) to get you out. (CLICK OF MACHINE. SS: Guy, it's your sister. Remember? Guy, we're sitting here, worried sick. I thought you were coming for dinner. The turkey's cold, the dressing dried up, the candied yams are all congealed. I'm back on antidepressants. And Jerry's coming down there to find you. Please---- CLICK.) Oh boy. My brother-in-law, heading this way. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, who is it? (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Hey, kid?
TK (TEEN): Hi, Doc.
GK: Kid, listen. We don't treat acne here, okay?
TK (TEEN): This isn't the Acne Building?----
GK: No.
TK (TEEN): But the sign says----
GK: I realize what the sign says and the sign is wrong, okay?
TK (TEEN): But it says right on the front of the building.
GK: I know, kid. Sometimes signs are wrong.
TK (TEEN): I saw the sign and I figured----
GK: I know, but you figured wrong.
TK (TEEN): Are you sure?
GK: I'm sure.
TK (TEEN): You don't think I should----
GK: No, I don't.
TK (TEEN): You think there's no chance that---
GK: Right. There is no chance----
TK (TEEN): But it's really starting to----
GK: I know. I sympathize.
TK (TEEN): So what you're saying is----
GK: Exactly.
TK (TEEN): So you want me to---
GK: Yes. Please. (DOOR CLOSE) Another hour until the Five Spot opens. Maybe Jimmy knows what's going on in Florida. I gotta get out of here before my brother-in-law arrives. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Who is it? (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
WB: Hey, hey, hey. Guy. You're beautiful.
GK: Thank you----
WB: Remember me? Huh? Take a good look.
GK: The tie is familiar.
WB: Take your time. Think back. Broadway. Bright lights. Dancing feet. Here---- (SHUFFLE ROUTINE)--- remember?
GK: I'm trying.
WB: 1964. Remember? You were the stage doorman at the Bijou on 42nd Street and I was starring in "La Di Da". Remember? The musical about young Mennonites leaving the prairie to come to New York and dance on Broadway? "La di da. La di da. Left her ma, left her pa, left the church in Omaha. Came here to find her je nais se quois. A G-string and a rhinestone bra. La di da." Is it coming back to you? Upton.
GK: Upton. Right.
WB: Upton O'Goode. Remember? You went over to the Beaux Art theater as stage doorman and I played the part of Art in "Lady Day," the story of Billie Holiday and how she left the prairie to come to New York. Remember? I had that big scene in Act I ---- I said, "Billie, something's come up. There's another singer named Holiday. Judy Holliday. So we're going to have to change your name to Pentecost, what do you say? Billie Pentecost." Remember?
GK: I remember. Great.
WB: You don't remember, do you.
GK: No, I don't.
WB: The next year, it was another musical. "Laddie Do." The boy who leaves the green hills of the Highlands to star on Broadway. "Oh Laddie do ---- do you recall the evening/When you and I first danced the old soft shoe/Twas long ago and twas the night we found that/That Broadway is the home for me and you----- Then come ye back-----"
GK: I think I remember that.
WB: "Laddie Do" was followed by another hit, "Liddie Dole." The story of a woman who left the prairie to go to Washington. ---- remember? I played her husband. Bob. I stood in front of the Lincoln Memorial in the rain and I sang,
"You go on ahead.
I know where to find you.
I'm so glad I said,
I'll be right behind you.
Am I hesitant?
Am I proud? O yes.
You'll be the first woman President of the whole U.S." Remember?
GK: I sort of do.
WB: The year after that---- at the Belle Fontaine Theater---- it was "Laundry Day"---- remember the big number with the girls spinning in the dryers? Remember who choreographed that? Huh? Moi! And the year after that it was "Little Old Lady Who?" The first yodeling musical? Huh? I had the role of Elmer---- I did that big shiboopi number in Act II ---- me and all the farm hands---- remember? It went----
The evidence is total
And not just anecdotal
A music sweet and modal is sweeping folks away---
Don't dawdle----get epiglottal---Use your noodle---- and cock-a-doodle
Cause yodeling is sweeping the U-u-u-u-u.S.A.
Remember?
GK: Yes, of course.
WB: You don't remember, do you.
GK: No, I don't. But you look great and I'm sure you were and what can I do for you? This doesn't have to do with acne, does it?
WB: No, of course not. I want you to find a woman for me.
GK: I'm only a private eye. I'm not a magician.
WB: It's a woman I met through a personals ad.
GK: Okay.
WB: I've got it right here. You want me to read it to you?
GK: Sure, why not.
WB: "You: sexy, in shape, youthful, financially secure, emotionally available, attentive, able to appreciate theater, film, ballet, music, and also pay for the tickets. Public radio listener, a big plus. Driver's license required. Must be bondable and have own hair. "Me: 24, drop dead beautiful, useful with power tools, nymphomaniac with playful streak, long-term commitment unnecessary."
GK: Okay.
WB: Call me crazy, but something about this woman just seemed to call out to me. You know?
GK: Right.
WB: I miss being with a woman. Finding all those little doo-dads in the bathroom. All the towels on the floor. The pantyhose on the shower rod. The cat hair. The monthly emotional meltdown. The hour-long phone conversations with the girlfriend in California while they paint their toenails. The handwriting with the little heart-shape dotting the i. The stuffed animals in the bed. The weight fetish. The anger toward the mother. I miss having that in my life.
GK: So what happened with this woman, Upton?
WB: I arranged to meet her at a Starbuck's. And she never showed. I sat there drinking giant cappuccinos until my hands shook and I wet my pants.
GK: Well, you know what probably happened.
WB: What?
GK: She probably walked by the coffee shop and took a look at you and she kept on walking.
WB: Why would she do that?
GK: "Sexy, in shape, youthful"----? Huh? Come on. Look at yourself.
WB: Hey. I'm an actor. A pro. Tell me what you want, give me time, I'll be there, baby. (POUNDING ON DOOR)
GK: Who is it? (POUNDING ON DOOR) I'm coming, I'm coming. (WOOD BREAKAGE)
TR: I knew you were here! We been calling you for the past two hours!! Your sister is physically sick with worry and you sit here and don't pick up!! You big jerk!!
GK: Just calm down, Jerry.
TR: "Calm down," he says. I'll calm down when I decide to calm down. I drove forty-six miles to get here and make sure you're coming to Thanksgiving, and you want me to calm down? Why you----
GK: Hey, come on. It's Thanksgiving.
WB: Who is this wide-ride?
TR: "Who is this wide-ride?" Who are you calling "wide ride," you schmo?
WB: Who are you calling "schmo," ya big weasel.
TR: Weasel! Why you---- (HE SWINGS. WB REACT.)
GK: Stop that. Leave him alone.
TR: I'll leave him alone just as soon as I---- (TR SWINGS. WB REACT)
GK: It's Thanksgiving. We're a family! Get a grip!
TR: I'll get a grip on you, ya big---- (CLOTH RIP)
WB: You can't do that to him----Take this, you weasel. (WB SWINGS, TR REACT)
GK: Hey, that's my brother-in-law---- you----
WB: Okay, here's one for you too, ya big---- (WB SWINGS, GK REACTS)
TR: And here's one from me---- (TR SWINGS, GK REACTS) ---
WB: Hey, nice shot---- you knocked him out cold. Nice right hand.
TR: Yeah. You're not so bad yourself. You handle yourself pretty good.
WB: You got a family Thanksgiving dinner going, sounds like.
TR: Yeah. You got plans for Thanksgiving?
WB: No. None whatsoever.
TR: Well, come on.
WB: Don't mind if I do. ----What about him? You gonna leave him lying there, unconscious?
TR: Why not? That's how he always winds up at Thanksgiving. We saved him the trip. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) (GK GROAN)
SS (REVERB): You sure took care of them. Boy. I never saw anybody as tough as you. I'm Cameron Diaz. I'm up here on this billboard in my underwear but I'd a lot rather be there in your office with you. How about later tonight? You wait right there.
(THEME MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in the city that knows how to keep its secrets, but a light shines on the 12th floor of the Acme Building -- Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor