(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(DRUM ROLL)
TR (OLD TIME ANNC): It's time for the Happy Soybean Playhouse.....a radio drama entitled THE VOICE IN THE NIGHT (PAUSE.....SCREAM OF HORROR).....brought to you by Happy Soybeans, America's favorite health food!.....(PIANO GIVES GK NOTE)
GK: Happy soybeans are nutritious
Help you live the healthy way.
Take a tip from me, treat your family
To soybeans every day.
TR (ANNC): And now.....today's drama....THE VOICE IN THE NIGHT (PAUSE, SCREAM OF HORROR)....(MUSIC)
GK: Many years ago, before there were freeways, or video, or pizza deliveries, people loved to stay home and listen to the radio.....
TK (TEEN): Gosh, mom, in just forty-seven minutes it'll be time for the adventures of Jack Cassidy and his Air Cadet Squadron! I can't wait!
SS: Yes, Skipper. And after that, we'll get to hear the Happy Soybeans Radio Theater!
TR: Boy, they sure have some talented actors on that show, don't they.
SS: I should say. And then later we'll hear "Footlight Favorites" with Mel Caravelle and His Radio Toe-Tappers.
TR: How about we roll back the rug, hon?
SS: How about it, angel hips? (BRIDGE)
GK: It was a thing of beauty, radio. You sat around and listened to the Air Cadet Squadron (PLANE DIVING) and then the Radio Theater (CREAKING DOOR) and then you went to bed and your mom and dad danced to the Toe-Tappers and then it was quiet and then you heard them down the hall in the bedroom laughing (SS & TR OFF, LAUGHTER). It was a beautiful thing, radio. And like so many beautiful things it was killed off by management. (MURMUR OF MALE VOICES)
TK (MOGUL): What is this---- "$6 for bus fare for actors"?
TR: What actors??
SS: We have three actors for the Happy Soybean Radio Theater. We don't pay them salaries, just busfare.
TK (MOGUL): I thought we'd cancelled that show.
TR: People don't want stories and plays on the radio.
TK (MOGUL): You can get that anyplace.
TR: We've done surveys on this, Miss Morgan.
SS: Yes, sir.
TR: Surveys show that what people want are songs in the key of B-flat with the words "from" or "with" in them. Cancel the radio drama and tell the actors to go jump in the lake
SS: Yes, sir. (THEY CHORTLE) (BRIDGE)
GK: And so radio drama was killed off.
TR (ACTOR): What is this? "Notice"! Notice of what?
SS (ACTOR): It's a pink slip, I'm afraid, Ashley.
TR (ACTOR): What? You mean we're fired?
SS (ACTOR): Fired.
TR (ACTOR): How can they fire us? This is the theater.
SS (ACTOR): The theater is dead, Ashley.
TR (ACTOR): The theater is dead. Long live the theater.
GK: And that night, the actors jumped in the lake---- (TR OFF, CRY. SPLASH. SS OFF, CRY. SPLASH) But did radio drama really die? Many years later, people living near the lake thought they heard something. Was that a hand reaching up from the water? (BUBBLING)
SS: What is that?
TR: I didn't see anything. Maybe it's turtles or something.
SS: Turtles don't have hands.
TR: Let me take a look. (SPLASHING) (TR SCREAM. FIGHTING. WATER SPLASHING. SINKING)
SS: What happened?
TR: Something came after me. Something unspeakably horrible. (SUSPENSE CHORDS, UNDER)
SS: I wish you had never gone into radio management!
TR: Why?
SS: That's when all this started to happen!
TR: What?
SS: You know! The whispers in the attic! The weird sounds! The voices in the night! (STING)
TR: What can we do?
SS: I'm going to do a search on my computer.
TR: Good idea.
SS: I'll search under----Ghosts.....Poltergeists (CLICKS) There. (CLICK) What happened?! (CHORD) All the lights went out!
TR: What did you do?
SS: When I clicked on Search, everything went dark.
TR: I can't even see where you are.
SS: Over here.
TR: It must be a fuse. I'll go down the basement and check the fuse box.
SS: No, Jim. Let's go to the neighbors.
TR: It's a fuse. It only takes a minute----
SS: I wish you wouldn't. (SHE SCREAMS)
TR: What is it? Are you okay?
SS: I stepped on something. Something on the floor. I think it's---- (SHE SHUDDERS IN HORROR) ----
TR: What?
SS: It's slimy---- it's big---- it's like some kind of gelatin----- and it's moving, Jim----- it's moving----- (SLIGHT SLURPING SOUND. GLOOP.) Do you hear it? (CRUNCHING OF WOOD. GLASS) Jim, it's eating the furniture......Jim?
(HEART POUNDING)
TR: Maybe if I get the lights back on, it'll ---- dissipate, Elaine.
SS: Jim, I'm standing on a chair----- and it's eating the legs. (CRUNCH)
TR: Grab the chandelier----
SS: Where----
TR: Reach around for it---- (CRUNCHING, SLURPING)
SS: (CLINK OF CRYSTAL) There. I've got it.
TR: Can you swing your leg up onto the chandelier and----
SS: I'll try. (JIGGLING OF CRYSTAL. SS EFFORT) There. I'm almost there---- (SHAKING OF CRYSTAL) Got it. I'm up. I'm holding on. Jim? Jim?
TR: I'm going for the fuse box. (FOOTSTEPS IN DARK. DOOR OPEN.)
SS: Don't, Jim. I heard something down there
TR: I'll be back in a minute.SS: Oh Jim---- I wish you'd never gone into radio management!
TR: I'll be right back. (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIR. HEART POUNDING. TR PERSPIRING. FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE)
TR: Where is it--- it's gotta be around here somewhere--- on the wall---- darn----- (INTAKE OF BREATH) What is it? What's there? (BREATHING) Who are you? What do you want? What are you doing? Why are you reaching for me? Your hand--- it's all slimy---- (MONSTER GROANING) Where's my chainsaw???? (CHAINSAW START) Okay---- take this---- (HE SWINGS SAW. IT CUTS THROUGH FLESH. MONSTER GROANS) I cut off its head---- and nothing happened---- It's coming at me---- It's reaching out its hand --- and it's putting it----- down my throa----- (CHOKING) (THE BEAST GRUNTS) (FORCES HAND DEEPER DOWN THROAT) (THE BEAST GRUNTS) (BEAST MAKES BIG EFFORT, AND WE HEAR BONES BREAKING AS BODY IS TURNED INSIDE OUT)
(BREATHING)
SS: Jim? Jim? (CRYSTAL SHAKING) (MUSIC)
GK: Anyone who makes artistic decisions based on numbers--- you should be very very careful. Very careful. Because art never dies. And if you kill it, someday you too will hear THE VOICE IN THE NIGHT. (SCREAM)
TR (ANNC): brought to you by Happy Soybeans, America's favorite health food!.....(PIANO GIVES GK NOTE)
GK: Happy soybeans are nutritious
Show you what contentment means.
Take a tip from me. Treat your family
To happy healthy beans. (BUTTON)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor