(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(ORGAN THEME)
TR: Once again it's time for....LOVE IN THE NORTH....
(ORGAN DOWN....FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP)
SS: Oh!---- you scared me. I thought you were gone.
GK: No. I don't leave until nine.
SS: I thought you taught your Shakespeare class at nine.
GK: No.
SS: Oh.
GK: Is something wrong?
SS: No, I just thought you had a class. You care for more coffee?
GK: Sure. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
SS: (OFF) When did you change?
GK: What?
SS: (OFF) You don't teach an early class anymore?
GK: Elaine, I quit teaching two years ago. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: You did? (POURING COFFEE)
GK: Yes. Two years ago.
SS: You didn't say a word about it. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: You didn't ask.
SS: (OFF) You just--- went off and quit? Without telling me?
GK: I was going to tell you.
SS: (OFF) When?
GK: I was meaning to tell you. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: What do you do now, Chuck?
GK: Now?
SS: Yes. Now.
GK: I fish.
SS: Oh. You--- you took early retirement?
GK: I fish for tuna, Elaine. I'm a professional fisherman. I cashed in my pension account and bought a hundred-foot tuna boat called The Gypsy Lady and I sail out of San Francisco with a crew of seven men and we fish for giant yellowfin tuna. Some other stuff. Calamari. Some scallops. Mainly tuna.
SS: Fishing--- But you were an English teacher, Chuck---
GK: I was. Now I'm a tuna fisherman.
SS: How long have you----
GK: Two years ago. Weren't you ever curious about where I went for months at a time?
SS: I assumed you were at teachers' conferences or something---
GK: For months at a time? I was on the open sea, Elaine, hauling in giant tuna.
SS: Well, that explains the rubber boots and the gaffing hook. And the fins in the clothes hamper. When are you coming home?
GK: September.
SS: Oh.
GK: We're taking the Gypsy Lady to New Zealand and then to Osaka and back by way of the Aleutian Islands. There's some big yellowfin out there and greenfin and pinkfin too. We've got to go where the fish are.
SS: So that's why you bring home all that canned tuna. --- Why didn't you tell me about this?
GK: I don't know. Maybe I was afraid you'd say I was a fool, that I should stick with teaching sophomore English until I retire in three years.
SS: You're right. I would have said that.
GK: I'm very happy fishing for tuna, Elaine. I've never been happier.
SS: That's good, Chuck. I'm happy for you.
GK: You are?
SS: Yes. Because I'm happy too, Chuck.
GK: What do you mean, Elaine?
SS: Chuck, two years ago I quit my job at the library and I got a starring role in a TV sitcom called "Megan and Matt and Lindsay and Leo and Melissa".
GK: Really.
SS: Yes.
GK: I never watch television.
SS: I know.
GK: Which one are you?
SS: I play the role of Megan, the zany blonde bulimic.
GK: Really.
SS: It's the top-rated TV show in America, Chuck.
GK: Well. That must be nice for you. Pays well, I suppose.
SS: I get three-quarters of a million dollars per episode.
GK: You mean for the season?
SS: I mean, per episode.
GK: That's a lot of money.
SS: It is.
GK: Well, that explains the new wing on the house, the stables and riding ring. The pool. The arboretum.---- I thought you were still at the library in the reference room, answering people's questions about the population of Portugal.
SS: I was. And then one day I met Wendell. And I started asking some questions of my own.
GK: Who's Wendell?
SS: He's a wonderful man who --- he came into the library and we just started talking and --- I found I could open up to him, Chuck -------
GK: What do you mean? "Open up to him"?
SS: I could show him my feelings....my dream....
GK: So you and----(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS).
TR: Oh. Hi. Didn't expect to find you still here. Sorry.
GK: Who is this man, Elaine?
SS: This is Wendell, Chuck. I've been meaning to tell you about him.
GK: Tell me what about him?
TR: I'm a personal trainer. I work with Elaine. We do exercises together. Sit-ups.
SS: Wendell's got me doing five hundred situps at a time. Three thousand a day.
GK: I thought I noticed something about your----
SS: Rock hard, Chuck. I've got the midriff of a twelve-year-old girl.
GK: You better give it back to her-you're getting it wrinkled.
SS: Go ahead. Mask your confusion with feeble attempts at humor. My therapist Hyacinth warned me this would happen.
GK: So when you play Megan on TV----you---
SS: Yes, I do. I wear cut-off T-shirts. I wear a bikini. It's basic to the role. It's what Megan's about.
GK: Why didn't you tell me, Elaine?
SS: I wasn't sure you'd be able to handle it.
GK: But who's taking care of Chuck, Jr.?
SS: He's at M.I.T. Doing brilliantly. Physics or something. I forget what.
GK: He used to be so---
SS: I know. But he's not anymore.
GK: Good.
SS: Well, you're probably in a rush. Let's have dinner when you get back in September then.
GK: Good. Let's. (PHONE RINGS, OFF) Excuse me. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, TR ANSWERS PHONE. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
TR: I thought he knew about everything.
SS: I know you thought that.
TR: Why didn't you tell him?
SS: I didn't want to hurt him. I can't believe he's got a boat. I thought he was still at Central.
TR: But what about us, Elaine? You were going to tell him that it's all over between the two of you. We were going to get that house in Santa Monica together.
SS: I thought he was still teaching Shakespeare and here he was in a boat, going after tuna.
TR: It's all over between you and him. You told me that.
SS: Now that I think about it, he seemed different.
TR: You grew, Elaine. He didn't. Simple as that.
SS: More self-assured somehow.
TR: You had nothing to talk about anymore.
SS: And the canned tuna---- it was fresher. Much fresher.
TR: Your marriage was empty. It was on the skids.
SS: That hotdish he made----
TR: The passion was gone, Elaine. You told me that.
SS: It had a real zip to it.
TR: Are you listening to me?
SS: I saw a picture of tuna fishing once in National Geographic. It looked very--- manly. Big waves and --- nets and---- big fish.
TR: We're still going to L.A. tomorrow, right? (CELL PHONE RING) Yeah? Oh. Hi, Sid. (HE WALKS AWAY) Yeah.----- Right. ---- Yeah.-- --- Sure.------- Right.
SS: You mind taking that outdoors? Thank you. (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPEN, AND CLOSE)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: Hi.
GK: That was my first mate. Big storm came up. So I'm not going today.
SS: Oh.
GK: Where's Wendell?
SS: He left.
GK: Oh. He seemed like a nice guy.
SS: Yeah. He was. Not too bright, but--
GK: What are you up to today?
SS: Nothing.
GK: Me neither.
SS: Chuck?
GK: Yes?
SS: You know what I'd like?
GK: What?
SS: Make me some of your tuna hotdish, Chuck.
GK: Now?
SS: Yes. Now.
GK: I didn't think you ----
SS: I do.
GK: You do?
SS: Yes!
GK: And you want me to----
SS: Yes! Now. Please, Chuck.
(KNOCKS. MUFFLED SHOUTS. LOCKED DOOR IS SHAKEN.)
GK: Who's that?
SS: It's nothing. Probably someone selling firewood. --- Go away! We're not interested!!
GK: You want it with the cream of mushroom soup and everything?
SS: Yes. Everything.
ORGAN THEME
TR: Join us again sometime soon for another exciting episode of LOVE IN THE NORTH.
MUSIC OUT
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor