(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was a day in June, one of those days when the temperature suddenly shoots up into the eighties and you see all the Scandinavians turn pale and grab onto trees. Right around 78 or 79, they overheat and their brains seem to shut down, so I canceled the appointment with my podiatrist, Dr. Olson. I figured it wasn't a good day for him to concentrate.
I've been thinking, with summer here, it's time to think about cosmetic surgery on my feet. I was talking to Jimmy about it, over at the Five Spot. (BRIDGE)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Kind of up and down, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get you?
GK: Martini.
TR (JIMMY): Coming right up. (OFF, POURING, SHAKING WITH ICE, POURING INTO GLASS)....
GK: Life is a diamond necklace and it's a cup of cold coffee. It's the midway at the fair. And it's a garbage dump. It's a caress on the cheek and it's a fist in your gut. It's a....
TR (JIMMY): Okay. Take it easy on the metaphors.
GK: Sorry.
TR: (JIMMY) Looks like that crossword's got you stumped, huh? 86 Across ---- three-letter word meaning "Giant" ---- that's Ott. O-t- t.
GK: I know it's Ott. Mel Ott. I didn't get there yet.
TR (JIMMY): And that one there ---- Yma ---- That's Sumac. Yma Suman. The singer.
GK: Okay, okay. (FOLDS PAPER) Just not in the mood for crosswords, I guess. Too much on my mind. Thinking about having surgery, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Oh yeah?
GK: Surgery on my feet.
TR (JIMMY): Why foot surgery?
GK: I've got some strange toes, Jimmy --- misshapen, with toenails that look like they died a long time ago.
TR (JIMMY): Don't show me, okay?
GK: I wasn't going to.
TR (JIMMY): Good. Don't.
GK: And I've got knees that look like a camel's. And some unfortunate hair patterns. And then these really weird toenails. Anyway, when I go to the beach I see the chicks size me up and when they come to the toes, they look away.
TR (JIMMY): It may not be the toenails, Guy.
GK: What are you saying, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): I'm saying maybe the beach isn't a great place for you. There comes a point where sunlight is no longer your friend, Guy.
GK: You mean---
TR (JIMMY): Yes. And that shirt is doing you no favors either.
GK: Burgundy is not my color?
TR (JIMMY): Not with those pants, no.
GK: They're azure.
TR (JIMMY): I don't think you should be wearing azure. And you need to ditch the cigar, too.
GK: I'd be lost without this.
TR (JIMMY): It smells like burning tires.
GK: Gee, thanks a lot.
TR (JIMMY): And I suppose you're looking around at dames in their twenties, too, aren't you?
GK: Of course I am.
TR (JIMMY): Listen, Guy. A guy like you ---- maybe you oughta be shopping around more in the forties--- fifties----
GK: What do you mean, a "guy like me," Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): I'm trying to think of the right word----
GK: Loser. Is that it?
TR (JIMMY): I was looking for the polite term.
GK: Success Deficit Disorder.
TR (JIMMY): Right. You want somebody who's been on the Ferris wheel of romance a few times and is looking for another turn ---- a mature woman. You know what they say--- "Beauty is where you find it."
GK: What is that supposed to mean?
TR (JIMMY): I don't know. It's just a saying----
GK: "Beauty is where you find it" ---- where do you come up with this stuff?
TR (JIMMY): Sorry. I meant it to be inspirational.
GK: "Beauty is where you find it"?
TR (JIMMY): Okay, okay, okay....
GK: Finding beauty is not my problem, pal. My problem is getting beauty to look at me.
TR (JIMMY): Well---just be the best you that you can be.
GK: Be the best you that you can be??? What's that supposed to mean? (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, DOOR CLOSE. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. SEXY SAX) I turned to see who came in the door and suddenly I forgot what we were talking about. She was tall and slender with short black hair and a face that made you feel you were in a movie and just getting to the good part. She moved across the room with the grace of a cat and if I was the sparrow, well, there are worse things than dying at the hands of a beautiful predator. She wore black Capri pants so tight I could read the washing instructions on the label and a black blouse with about as much fabric in it as you'd find in the average pocket handkerchief and she was at the other end of a leash from an immense dog with a mean look in his eye (DOG BARK)....
SS: Hush, Bart. Hush. You be nice. Don't bark at the man. Do you allow dogs in here?
GK: Today we do. Nice looking pooch.
SS: Thanks. He's a little high-strung. A little stressed right now. (DOG SNARL) Just like me.
GK: Well, come and have a seat and tell us all about it.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get for you, ma'am?
SS: Do you have any aloe vera juice?
TR (JIMMY): How about a limeade?
SS: That'll work.
GK: My name is Noir, ma'am. Guy Noir.
SS: I know. I've been looking for you, Mr. Noir. (SEXY SAX)
GK: The moment she said it, I wished I had a recording of it.
SS: I need you, Mr. Noir.
GK: And I need you, Miss---
SS: Mobile. Donna Mobile.
GK: Miss Mobile. What can I do for you?
SS: It's like this, Mr. Noir. My boyfriend Norman --- he hasn't called me in the past three days. I'm worried.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: Three days.
GK: Right.
SS: He's a writer. I figured maybe he went off to the woods or something----
GK: Well, that's probably what he did. I was a writer. Wrote for magazines.
SS: What'd you write?
TR: He wrote out checks for subscriptions.
SS: I need someone to go track him down and make sure he's okay.
GK: Right. Sure.
SS: He's a wonderful writer and he's just a really great guy. He's sweet to me, he's smart, he's extremely considerate and loyal and he calls me every day.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: Until three days ago.
GK: I see. Well, there's a lot of this going around now, Miss Mobile. Fear of commitment. How old is Norman?
SS: Twenty-two. Same as me.
GK: Well, there you are. It's very common among guys that age. They get to know a girl and everything's great and then suddenly they get this feeling of settling down and they panic --- guys that age have a lot of illusions about life that a guy in his late forties is all over, believe me---
SS: I keep checking my voice mail but there's nothing there. I don't know why. He never did this before.
GK: The twenty-two-year-old male is not one for social obligations, Miss Mobile. A guy that age is heavily into a sense of his own victimhood. Especially a writer. They like to sit around and suffer and they get so they lose track of time.--- What are you doing?
SS: I'm testing my hormones.
GK: Oh. Sure.
SS: You put this little paper tab on your tongue and if it turns blue, you're too yang.
GK: It looks pink to me.
SS: Too yin.
GK: Go out and get the lady some aloe vera, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Did you ask for gin?
GK: She said yin. Swedish gin.
SS: I had an aunt who loved gin and then she had her gall bladder removed, and now she can't eat spicy foods or drink gin, or it'll throw her into a tizzy.
GK: Producing tizzies is one thing gin is good for. Give me another, Jimmy.
SS: I don't drink. Norman likes white wine but I don't care for it.
GK: White wine is pretty clear indication of self-absorption, Miss Mobile. This Norman probably forgot to call you because he was completely absorbed in himself. Got to working on a memoir and, you know, he's only 22, so what's to remember, so he's lying on his back looking up at the clouds or something....
SS: I wonder if he's been hurt or something. Maybe he's in the hospital.
GK: The twenty-two-year-old guy is hurt by the thought that the world doesn't revolve around him, that's what he's hurt by. Has this Norman ever made breakfast for you? Has he?
SS: I don't care for breakfast that much.
GK: Does he cook for you at all? That's how you know a guy cares. When he makes food. I make this tremendous risotto ---- you'd love it ---- people tell me it's the best they ever had --- I don't know --- that's what they say ---- the secret is making your own chicken stock from scratch ---- that's where a lot of people go wrong ---- they don't take the time ----- you got to take time to do it right if you want to have good risotto---- are you busy for dinner tonight? Or----
SS: I don't care for rice, actually. I'm pretty much off carbs.
GK: Yeah, I could sort of tell that.
SS: Besides, I'm so upset about Norman, I don't think I could eat anyway.
GK: Look. He took off for the woods and he's looking at the sun sparkling on the waters of the pond and thinking about his lost childhood and ---- you know something, you look like a dancer to me. You like to dance?
SS: Sure.
GK: I knew it. Listen, there's a roadhouse out west of town--- the Tip-Top Lounge in Dassel --- little combo, good sax player, vibes, accordion ---- quiet place ---- we could dance---- talk-----
SS: What's wrong with your feet?
GK: It's nothing. A war injury. I stepped on a land mine. I don't like to talk about it. What do you say?
SS: Oh for heaven's sakes.
GK: What?
SS: My cellphone was turned off.
GK: What cellphone?
SS: I didn't have my cellphone turned on. Silly me.
GK: Right.
(CELLPHONE RING)
SS: Hello? Norman? Oh honey---- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.----- No----- No, sweetie, I just had my cellphone turned off. ---- You have? ---- Oh, you're so sweet. ----- I love you too. I'll be there in ten minutes.....Bye, Snuggums. (SHE MAKES SOME KISSES....) Bye bye. ----- Nice meeting you, Mr. Noir. And thanks for the limeade. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): You're welcome. Come back, soon. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE) Nice dame.
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): I didn't know you make risotto.
GK: On special occasions I do.
TR (JIMMY): You never invited me over for risotto.
GK: You're right, I never did.
TR (JIMMY): By the way, number fifteen down---- that's Pitts. Zasu Pitts.
GK: Pitts. Right. Thanks. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor