(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, KM: Kathy Mattea)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the quiet streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(MUSIC)
GK: It was May, a month that we look forward to in Minnesota, sort of like incarcerated felons look forward to parole. And then we get to May and we realize we don't know what to do with warm weather. Hedonism is not our particular line of work. What we're good at is enduring privation and darkness and cold and somehow getting frozen engines to achieve ignition with delicate pedal work and perfect timing of the starter.
Somehow these skills don't translate into the realm of romance. I was talking this over with a woman named Melody Lane who I run into sometimes at the Five Spot. She was there the other night. (FLASHBACK CHORDS) (BAR SOUNDS, STIRRING, SHAKING)
TR (JIMMY): Hey Guy...you need a refill on that Martini?
GK: No, thanks. Jimmy. One is my limit. Two Martinis and I start talking about my love life and, you know, tears and gin just don't mix.
KM: Ain't that the truth.
TR (JIMMY): What's wrong with your love life?
GK: It doesn't exist, that's what.
KM: You too, huh?
GK: I haven't been on a date since Marlon Brando was thin. The thought of it is terrifying. I mean, dinner can take forty-five minutes --- what would you talk about for all that time?
KM: Yeah, I've been out with guys like that.
GK: I don't even know how to meet anybody.
KM: Welcome to the club.
GK: I mean, the bar scene. Forget it. Just look around you.
KM: Exactly.
GK: You walk into a singles bar and they're playing Seventies music and it's loud.
KM: Not a great decade, the Seventies.
GK: I mean, do I want to spend my life with someone who loves Barry Manilow?
KM: Or the Doobie Brothers?
GK: I don't think so.
KM: Duke Ellington. That's my idea of class. And Hank Williams.
GK: My feeling exactly. But where you going to find a woman like that? Nowhere. The personals column? No way. It's all people in their twenties.
KM: I put in a personal, it said: "Insane woman seeks male companion for late night alcoholism. Heavy smoker preferred. No gym rats or weightlifters need apply. Older guys are a real turn-on."
GK: Uh huh. And---
KM: I got two responses.
GK: You find anyone?
KM: Nope. Too young. Both of them. Yuppies. One was a stockbroker and the other a pediatrician ---- in their late twenties.
GK: What can a person do?
TR (JIMMY): You just need to get out and meet people, Guy.
GK: Nah. Women can smell desperation. It's a real turn-off.
KM: I got so desperate, I made a date with a guy who'd been stalking me.
GK: Really.
KM: He was nice. He was married and manic-depressive and overweight and he had real body odor issues and his eyebrows were the size of fruit bats, but other than that, he was kind of attractive.
GK: Sounds like me, except for the married part.
KM: You don't smell bad at all.
GK: I don't?
KM: No.
GK: Well, you smell terrific too.
KM: It's my Lime Basil and Mandarin shampoo and conditioner. I'm sort of into citrus.
GK: Very nice.
KM: I even bought lime-scented underwear. Super soft and it's cut really sexy but it doesn't ride up. Made of Lurex.
GK: Interesting. (MUSIC BRIDGE) I went back to my office, thinking I'd take a nap on the couch and then catch a movie at the Rialto. Sit in the back row and reminisce about my salad days. But no sooner had I stretched out when--- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ---- Yeah. (KNOCKS.) Come in. The door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN) Yeah?
SS: Mr. Noir?
GK: Right.
SS: I'm sorry. Were you asleep?
GK: Almost, not quite.
SS: Could you give me five minutes? (DOOR CLOSE. SLOW FEMALE FOOTSTEPS. STOP. SEXY SAX.)
GK: For her, I was willing to clear out the next five months. She was six feet tall in platform shoes with flashing lights and she wore a red vinyl cape with palm fronds glued to it and a hat with fruit and a cage with a gerbil (SFX) running on a wheel and a green leather dress and leather boots up to her thighs and her fingernails were lacquered black and she held a long bejeweled cigarette holder with a French cigarette----
SS: Mr. Noir, my name is Josephine O'Connell, I need your help.
GK: Have a seat, Miss O'Connell. May I take your hat?
SS: Thank you.
GK: Here. (GERBIL, WHEEL SPINNING) The little fellow is pretty excited. Maybe he's never been in an elevator before.
SS: Mr. Noir, I came to you because ---- it's like this ---- we--- my husband and I, that is----- we're both high school teachers, by the way---- anyway---- we live in St. Paul, over by Macalester, and ---- last week we got an invitation--- to a party--- in Minneapolis.
GK: Oh my gosh. Minneapolis.
SS: Yes. (WEEPY) We've been waiting for this for years.
GK: I understand. You go ahead and cry. A St. Paul couple, invited to a party in Minneapolis---- it's like---
SS: It's like getting the Pulitzer Prize.
GK: It's certification.
SS: We looked at the invitation and --- we just broke down and cried.
GK: Of course you did. (SS BLOWS HER NOSE)
SS: And then, at the bottom of the invitation, it said: Dress--- Informal.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: I have no idea what that means.
GK: I get your point. In St. Paul informal means, Don't Show Off. In Minneapolis, who knows?
SS: They're on the cutting edge of fashion there. So I put together this outfit.
GK: I see.
SS: What do you think?
GK: It's interesting. Actually I think that red vinyl is pretty much over now. And the leather boots --- those were the 70s. But what do I know?
SS: But what am I going to do???!!
GK: I'm only a private eye. I'm not a personal shopper.
SS: Please. Help me.
GK: Let's see the invitation. (BRIDGE) It was a creamy white card with a line at the top ---- "Quelle est la place la moins chere?" which according to my high school French meant, "Where is the place where I put my wife?" --- and underneath it said, Please come to a party, Saturday, May 27, 8 p.m., and an address on Mount Curvee' Avenue, and the name Rathmore. Hal Rathmore. And suddenly something clicked in the old hard drive. And I got on the St. Paul-Minneapolis bus and rode over to the Paris of the Midwest. (BUS PULL AWAY) (TIME PASSAGE CHORDS) (FOOTSTEPS)
TK (BRIT): May I help you, sir?
GK: I'm here to see Hal Rathmore.
TK (BRIT): Do you have an appointment, sir?
GK: No, just tell him Guy is here. The guy who saved his life that time in Pequot Lakes.
TK (BRIT): He's in a meeting, sir.
GK: Just tell him. I'll wait.
TK (BRIT): Very well, sir. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Nice decor in here. Sort of retro avant-garde with a touch of neo- classicism.
(DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (RICH MAN): Guy! How great! Really marvelous! You look terrific! Just fabulous! Splendid to see you! Really. Whatever brings you over to Minneapolis? Come in. (FOOTSTEPS, GK & TR WALKING INTO TR'S OFFICE)
GK: I got lost, that's all. I was looking for the Blue Horse restaurant and I kept going and suddenly I was here.
TR (RICH MAN): Fabulous. So good to see you. Have a chair.
GK: Thanks.
TR (RICH MAN): It's been years, Guy! Whatever happened to you? Why don't I ever see you anymore?
GK: Well, I'm in St. Paul now.
TR (RICH MAN): Really! How interesting. I was there once. A couple years ago, I think.
GK: Good for you.
TR (RICH MAN): I had no idea there was another city over there. I thought it was some sort of railyard or something. Imagine my surprise to find streets and houses and everything.
GK: I can imagine.
TR (RICH MAN): What can I do for you, Guy?
GK: For starters, you can drop the accent.
TR (RICH MAN): Do I have an accent???
GK: Listen, Hal Rathmore ---- when I knew you, you were Howard Rasmussen, and you didn't talk with your teeth clenched.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay then. Sorry about that. Just something I learned in college, don't ya know.
GK: I know. Lutherford College. The place where midwestern Scandinavians go to get Anglicized. --- Listen. I need you to do me a little favor.
TR (MINNESOTA): Sure. You bet.
GK: You've got a party coming up---
TR (MINNESOTA): You bet. Saturday. You wanna come?
GK: Actually I would.
TR (RICH MAN): Fabulous.
GK: Howard----
TR (MINNESOTA): Sorry.
GK: We don't say "fabulous" here.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay. Real good then.
GK: Howard, I want you to introduce me to a wealthy divorcee.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay. No problem.
GK: A mature woman who's looking for a heavyset guy in a blue suit and fedora who knows his way around a dance floor and is ready to make a lifelong commitment maybe as soon as Tuesday or Wednesday----
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay. I'll take care of it.
GK: And what should I wear?
TR (MINNESOTA): It's informal.
GK: What does that mean?
TR (RICH MAN): In Minneapolis? Informal means: surprise me.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I called up Miss O'Connell and told her that her outfit would be just fine, but maybe instead of a leather dress she should wrap Venetian blinds around her. And then I dropped in at the Five Spot to give them the big news. (TIME CHANGE CHORDS)
TR (JIMMY): Wow! Minneapolis! Guess you've made it now, Guy.
KM: Probably we won't be seeing much of you from now on.
GK: Naw, I'll drop in from time to time.
KM: What're you gonna wear?
GK: I don't know. A toga, maybe. Or a policeman's uniform. Or maybe a little basic black dress with a plunging neckline.
KM: Sounds good. Let me know if you need accessories. --- I've got to figure out what to wear this weekend, too.
GK: Oh? Got a date.
KM: Yeah. A guy I met on the Internet.
GK: Nice.
KM: A real nerd. The only thing we have in common is the fact we're bipeds.
GK: The blouse you have on is really nice.
KM: I am feeling like totally alienated from my wardrobe. I open up my closet in the morning and I think, Who is that dowdy person?
GK: You're not dowdy at all. You're extremely attractive.
KM: I am a desperate woman in her late thirties.
GK: You? You're 27. Maximum.
KM: Put your head down here, you can hear my biological clock ticking.
GK: You're young, you're beautiful, you're smart and funny---
KM: I'm a personality disorder on legs. I can't get a date even wearing a blouse like this.
GK: It's see-through, isn't it.
KM: Thank you for noticing.
(BRIDGE) (CROWD AMBIENCE)
GK: I went to the Minneapolis party in a policeman's uniform and I wandered around with a gin and tonic in hand and didn't know a soul ---- Miss O'Connell was there, wrapped in Venetian blinds, but she pretended not to know me --- and finally I met a woman who was dressed as a sheriff, so she was pretty much forced to acknowledge me.
SS: Hi.
GK: Hi.
SS: Nice.
GK: Thanks.
SS: You live around here?
GK: No.
SS: Oh. Where?
GK: St. Paul.
SS: Really?
GK: Yeah.
SS: You're kidding.
GK: No.
SS: Oh.
GK: Nice party.
SS: Yeah. Hey listen---
GK: What?
SS: Wait here. I'll be right back.
GK: Sure.
SS: Back in a second.
GK: Right. (MUSIC) Howard's house was beautiful, very high-tech, all stainless steel and maple and white walls and glass and abstract expressionist art, and it was packed with people talking about books and movies I'd never heard of, I felt like I'd wandered into the wrong class, and finally I headed back to St. Paul and the Five Spot. (TIME PASSAGE. DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, hey, hey! How was the party?
GK: Don't ask.
KM: That bad, huh?
GK: Yeah. (LONG PAUSE)
TR (JIMMY): What can I bring you, Officer?
GK: How about some strychnine straight up with a dash of Drano.
TR (JIMMY): One Roto Rooter, coming right up.
GK: I am giving up the whole idea of dating or courtship or looking around for a partner, the whole thing. Gone. Forgotten.
KM: I feel exactly the same way.
GK: It's for teenagers. I'm too old.
KM: There's no such thing as maturity anymore.
GK: Tell me about it.
KM: I don't understand it. Somehow teenagers in this country got their hands on billions of dollars in disposable income and now movies and TV and music--- everything is aimed at the taste of 12-yr-olds. I don't get it.
GK: Me neither.
KM: The mature man. Where is he? It's all guys in their thirties wearing their baseball caps backwards, trying to pass for thirteen.
GK: At a certain point a person has to embrace the idea of singleness.
KM: I hear you.
GK: You come home, you order Chinese, you turn on the movie classics channel, you sit in your recliner eating out of little white cartons, and when the second movie is over you go to bed.
KM: Where do you order Chinese from?
GK: St. Paul Szechuan.
KM: You're kidding!
GK: Nope.
KM: My favorite Chinese restaurant. I am crazy about their barbecued ribs.
GK: That's what I order every night.
KM: I would literally do anything for those Szechuan ribs. Anything.
GK: I order the ribs and the spring roll and the noodles in the peanut sauce.
KM: I love their peanut sauce.
GK: What movies do you like?
KM: You're not going to believe this.
GK: Try me.
KM: You're going to laugh.
GK: Why?
KM: Every movie Audrey Hepburn ever made----
GK: You're kidding.
KM: I've watched it at least ten times.
GK: You've gotta be kidding.
KM: I love Audrey Hepburn.
GK: I love Audrey Hepburn.
KM: You don't! Get out of here.
GK: Roman Holiday, Sabrina, Breakfast at Tiffany's.
KM: I adore Breakfast at Tiffany's.
GK: Two For The Road.
KM: With Albert Finney.
GK: Exactly.
KM: It was on last night.
GK: I know.
KM: I cried at the end.
GK: Yeah.
KM: What a movie.
GK: You remind me of Audrey Hepburn, in a way.
KM: Really?
GK: The bangs, the light in your eyes, the translucent skin....
KM: You remind me of William Holden.
GK: You sure you don't meant William Bendix?
KM: No.
TR (JIMMY): Okay. Last call. What can I get you folks?
KM: Last call? It's not even nine o'clock.
TR (JIMMY): Sorry, but it's St. Paul. What can I bring you?
KM: Nothing for me, Jimmy. I gotta head for home.
GK: Me too.
KM: See you tomorrow.
GK: Okay. You take care.
KM: (OFF) Bye, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): So long, Melody. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) Nice girl.
GK: Yeah. Sure is. (MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in St. Paul, a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor