(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
....after this message from Bertha's Kitty Boutique.
(MUSIC)
GK: It was spring, they were on location in Normandy filming "The Greatest Generation" and Tom Brokaw was there.
TR (BROKAW): This is probably one of the very most exciting days of my life. To be around all these big stars.
GK: And it was star time. Jack Nicholson was there----
TR (JACK): Just strap the knapsack on my back, okay?
GK: Meryl Streep was there, playing one of her foreign accent roles-----
TR (MERYL, SPEAKING WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT): You have brought freedom to my people, Lieutenant. Freedom!
GK: Tom Hanks was there----
TR (HANKS): Yep.
GK: And in the role of a commando, Mr. Rogers----
TR (MR. ROGERS): I don't believe I've ever carried an actual bazooka before. Have you? Was it nice? Were other people nicer to you when you were holding it? Were they?
GK: And Keanu Reeves as General Dwight Eisenhower----
TR (KEANU): Okay. Like, go for it. Invade. I mean, why not.
GK: And Julia Child was directing the picture. It was her first war movie ever and she was anxious to show what she could do.
TR (JULIA): I'll show Spielberg he's not the only one who can do the Normandy invasion. I say, if you can cook, you can direct.
SS: Okay. I'm Julia's location director. We're going to do a continuous shot ---- American navy laying down an artillery barrage.
TR (JULIA): A magnificent barrage!
SS: Air Force. Seabees. German artillery. Landing craft coming in. Strafing the beach. A tank blows up.
TR (JULIA): Huge explosions!
GK: It was a major battle scene. Machine guns. Mortars. Hand grenades. The Marines coming ashore. The U.S. Rangers going up the cliff. And then the camera comes in close on Jack Nicholson as he says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, everything's going to be okay" and then the kitty cat sticks her head up out of his flak jacket and right there Tom Keith would do the meow.
TK: I do the meow. Right.
TR (JULIA): I want fear in that meow. And vulnerability. And trust.
TK: Okay. Good.
GK: And they did the shot, a continuous shot involving 50,000 extras--
TR (JULIA): Lights! (TK SERIES) Camera! (TK SERIES) Action!!!! (GUNFIRE. BOAT ENGINES. GUNS. CRIES OF TROOPS. EXPLOSIONS OF ARTILLERY. MESSERSCHMIDT COMES IN ON STRAFING RUN, MACHINE GUNS BLAZING, AND BOAT BLOWS UP. SURF. GUNS. RUNNING FEET. CRIES.
TR (JACK): Don't worry, sweetheart. Everything's going to be okay. (GUNS CONTINUE, PLANES)
SS (SOTTO VOCE): Cue the kittycat! Where's the kittycat?
(TK ONE HIGH-PITCHED MEOW-LIKE NOTE WITH CRACK)
SS: Cut! Cut! (A FEW GUNS, SOME VOICES) Cut!---- Cut! (FOOTSTEPS. GUNS) I said, CUT! (SILENCE) Mr. Keith----
TK: Yo.
SS: I can't believe you let me down like that.
TR (JULIA): Shame, shame.
SS: You call that a meow???
TK: I was trying to bring out the vulnerability.
TR (JULIA): You ruined it, you nincompoop.
SS: You just cost us four-point-five million bucks for that shot. You ruined it. It's no good.
TR (JULIA): Shame on you for spitting in the soup.
GK: So he left the production (TK: Bye.) and he looked for work, doing commercials. But somehow his confidence had been broken.
(JINGLE THEME)
TR (ANNC): Henny Penny Boneless Chicken Fingers....buy em in the party pack! Prefried so all you do is heat and serve. Henny Penny....100% pure chicken. (CHICKEN AND COUGH)
TK: Sorry! Let me try it again! (CHORD)
TR (ANNC): Thrill the entire family with a Saturday visit to Jungle Land--- (TK BAD ELEPHANT) ---- (CHORD)
GK: He couldn't do elephants anymore. He couldn't do dogs. (WOOF) He couldn't even do sheep. (BAD BAAA) Anybody can do sheep. Tom couldn't do sheep (BAD BAAA) He applied for a job as the host of a kiddie show on TV.
TR: Lemme see---- education...good....references...uh huh...experience---- what is this? Sex?
TK: It's not sex, it's SFX --- Sound effects.
TR: I don't care. Get out of here. (DOOR SLAM) (FOOTSTEPS) He went to live on the beach, in an abandoned car (SURF, GULLS), and he lived off quarters and dimes (TK: Spare change----) from tourists and everyday he looked through his scrapbooks, remembering the good years----
TK: Titanic. What a movie. They had me do the collision....the water rushing in..... --- Wow. Jurassic Park. Steve Spielberg. What a guy. ---- Terminator. With Arnold. (MEOW) Huh? What do you want? (MEOW) I don't have any food--- go on. Get out of here. (MEOW) Beat it. Can't you see I'm --- I'm just a broken-down loser????? (MEOW) A has-been? (TK SOBS) (MEOW)
GK: The little tabby cat crawled up onto his lap and snuggled there and looked up into his eyes. (MEOW)
TK: Don't worry, sweetheart. Everything's going to be okay. (SOFT BUILD TO MARCH)
GK: And suddenly it was okay. Somehow the trust of one small creature can repair the ravaged heart, and soon, thanks to the love of a cat, Tom was able to do a chicken again (CHICKEN) and a dog (WOOFS) and even an elephant (ELEPHANT CRY), and he went back to Hollywood where Julia Child was making another picture, a remake of "War of the Worlds" ----
TR (JULIA): All right. We have spaceships coming in low over the trees and rayguns shooting and laser beams and a spaceship lands and the door opens and the earthlings open fire and the aliens walk into their midst and they're holding a kittycat ---- you think you can do it, Mr. Keith?
TK: I can do it.
TR (JULIA): You won't let me down cruelly as you did before?
TK: I'll do it.
GK: And he did do it. (SFX: SPACESHIP, RAYGUNS, LASERS, LANDING OF SHIP. OPENING OF DOOR. GUNFIRE. SPACE ALIEN TALK. AND MEOW) He did it in one take. No mistakes. And the meow was perfect. It had vulnerability and love and trust and sincerity. Exactly what you expect from a cat. A message from Bertha's Kitty Boutique....for persons who care about cats. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor