(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)

Our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, is not particularly fond of winter.

TK: That's right.

Tom used to have an 80-acre plantation in Jamaica where he spent February and March and he misses that.

TK: Think about it all the time.

It was a beautiful place with peacocks (SFX) and monkeys (SFX) and it had a pool (DIVE, SPLASH) and an outdoor ping-pong table where Tom played against one of the monkeys (PING PONG VOLLEY, THEN SMASH, THEN MONKEY EXCITEMENT), and of course it was always warm there.

TK: Great climate.

So he misses that in February. And of course winter is a down time for a sound effects man anyway. There just isn't much to do. A few skiers now and then. (SKI SFX) Car problems, of course. (CAR STARTER) People getting hung up on ice. (TIRES SPINNING) The occasional wolf. (HOWL) And that's about it. A kitty cat now and then. (MEOW) A dog (WOOF). Maybe some chickens. (CLUCKS) And that's about it.

It's nothing like the days when Tom was the star of the only radio soap opera starring animals, called The Hoofed and The Hairless.

TK: Boy, those were the days.

Tom was the star of the show and he played all of the parts except the part of Svend, which was played by Harlan Emerson Fitch. (SWEDISH GIBBERISH) It was a pretty simple story line in which a Swedish sailor was the lone survivor of a shipwreck and was cast away on a tropical island and met this orangutan (SFX) whom he befriended and whom he named Thorvald and a musk ox named Oswald (OX GRUNTS) and an egret named Gunnar (EGRET) and the four of them sat around the campfire and talked (SWEDISH GIBBERISH, APE CHATTER, SWEDISH, OX GRUNT, SWEDISH, EGRET) and that was pretty much the story. Ever so often the writers would toss in a frog (SFX) or some flamingoes (SFX) or maybe a flying fish (SFX) and once a ship came by and set off some flares (ROCKETS) but the sailor didn't want to be rescued (SWEDISH) and he hid behind a tree. The orangutan went down to the beach and waved his arms (APE SCREECHING) but the ship sailed away and The Hoofed and The Hairless went on with those four characters (SWEDISH GIBBERISH, APE CHATTER, SWEDISH, OX GRUNT, SWEDISH, EGRET) and Tom was the star of it. He did everything, the animals and the surf (SURF) and when the sailor built a shack, Tom did the sawing (SAW) and the hammering (HAMMER) and he did the door opening (OPEN) and closing (CLOSE) and he did it all, except for the Swedish.

TK: I don't speak Swedish.

The Swedish was done by this actor named Harlan Emerson Fitch. Nobody knew much about him. He came to the studio every day at 11:28. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)

TK: Harlan---

TR: Hi, Tom.

TK: How's it going?

TR: Fine. You?

TK: Fine.

TR: Good.

And the show went on the air at 11:30---

TR: And now --- Sparkle Spackle, America's No. 1 decorative grout brings you THE HOOFED AND THE HAIRLESS.....(APE CRIES).....

And they did the show and at 11:46 it was over.

TR: Bye.

TK: Take care.

TR: See you tomorrow.

TK: So long.

And this went on for ten years. And from doing that show, Tom was able to buy his 80-acre plantation in Jamaica. Because the show was a huge hit.

TK: Monster hit.

Hard to explain this to you younger people, but years ago this was one of the hottest shows on radio, and it all took place on a desert island, with one guy (SWEDISH) and these animals (APE, OX, EGRET) living in a simple shack (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) by the beach (SURF) ---- it was the last pure sound effects show, and people loved it, and who can explain why? Somehow people found the absence of English relaxing. It appealed to their imaginations. An island where a sailor made a life with friendly animals. So many people wrote in that The Hoofed And The Hairless was more real to them than their own lives. There were many attempts to imitate it. Feathers & Fins was about a Russian aviator (RUSSIAN) who crash landed on a desert island and made friends with dolphins (DOLPHINS) and ducks (SFX). And there was a show called Beaks & Barks. French sailor (FRENCH), a parrot (SFX), a poodle (DOG). But somehow The Hoofed And The Hairless had just the right balance, the right formula, and it was a big success, and Tom bought his plantation in Jamaica.

TK: Great place.

The show was taped several months in advance so he'd go there for February and March, and play ping-pong (PING PONG VOLLEY, MONKEY CHATTER) and swim in the pool (DIVE) and walk along the beach (SURF) and there was the beautiful Nanami---

TK: Oh boy.

And it was great for all those years and then, one day, for some reason, when the script called for a trout, Tom did a toilet flush, which was completely illogical of course, and Harlan Emerson Fitch yelled at him, on the air....

(TOILET FLUSH)

TR: Whadja do that for, ya big dummy?

And they went right back to the script (ORANGUTAN, SWEDISH DIALOGUE) but the damage was done. Somehow the spell was broken by that toilet flush and the sudden switch to English. The show never recovered from it. The writers tried to distract people by tossing in a lot of new stuff like planes flying low (PLANE) over the island and elephants (ELEPHANTS) and tigers (TIGER) and ships passing in the night (SHIP HORN) and a submarine firing a torpedo at the island (EXPLOSION) and in desperation they had a Swedish woman arrive on a raft (SWEDISH WOMAN QUESTION, SWEDISH MAN EXCITEMENT) and of course they only made it worse, and audience ratings plummeted, and one day Tom arrived at the studio and the door was locked. (JIGGLES DOOR) There was a notice that said....

TK: "Show canceled"???? (KNOCKS) Hello???

It was all over. One little mental slip. One tiny mistake and the delicate thread of fancy was broken. And of course Tom relived that moment over and over and over in his mind, when he saw "trout" in the script and....

(TOILET FLUSH) TR: Whadja do that for, ya big dummy?

He went to therapists and tried to understand why he'd done what he did, and there were no good answers, and meanwhile he got a job with us doing the occasional sound effect, the occasional chicken (SFX), or kittycat (MEOW), or dog (SFX), for a tiny fraction of what he was paid as a star (SOFT SOBBING) and after a couple years he had to give up the plantation in Jamaica and the monkeys (SFX) and the pool (DIVE) and the peacocks (SFX) and that was years and years ago, he never mentions it anymore, he just comes to work on Saturday and tries to keep a positive attitude---

TK: Any car crashes today? Any major explosions?

And every now and then there's a car crash (SQUEAL OF TIRES) and a car goes out of control and over the cliff and rolling (SERIES OF CRASHES) end over end down the rocky slope and blows up (EXPLOSION) and this sets off explosions in underground gas storage tanks (SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS) but that's pretty rare. This is Minnesota. Not many cliffs here. And it's winter. People drive carefully. If they can get their cars started. (CAR STARTER) If they can get out of the ice ruts (TIRES SPINNING). And that's about it. Plus an occasional wolf. (HOWL) And that's the life of Tom Keith, sound effects man. (SKIS)

(MUSIC)

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor