(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(GUY NOIR THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---

(THEME OUT)

GK: It was one of those bitterly cold days in January when the wind sweeps across the frozen steppes, and something primal and violent kicks in in the hearts of Minnesotans, and one day you cut into line on the access ramp and suddenly there's a shadow at your window and you open it and it's a little old lady and she's screeching and spit is dripping from her lips and you look in your rearview mirror and she's got public radio bumper stickers on her car and you realize how tenuous civilization is, that if we were hit by some bad storms and supermarkets ran low on food you could meet this woman someday in the condiments aisle and she'd fight you for the last jar of pimento olives and she'd rip your throat, even if she does like Vivaldi and support the library. So I'd begun hoarding food, crackers and cheese dip and sardines, in my desk drawer. And trying to keep it from my new office roommate Roger, a guy in the Caribbean cruise racket who was sharing my desk and phone and who I'd gradually come to dislike over the course of a few days. (BRIDGE CHORDS) (TR MOUTH BREATHING)

TR: Something wrong?

GK: I don't know.

TR: What're you staring at me for?

GK: I'm trying to figure out how you breathe.

TR: I breathe through my nose same as everyone else.

GK: I never heard anyone breathe as loud as that.

TR: I just have a little bit of a phlegm problem. (HE CLEARS HIS HEAD)

GK: Do you mind? I just ate lunch.

TR: I know you just ate lunch. Cheese and onions. I can smell it.

GK: What is that supposed to mean?

TR: You ever hear of mouthwash?

GK: If I wanted the taste of mouthwash, I would've had mouthwash for lunch. I prefer cheese and onions.

TR: No reason for you to share it with everyone else. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Good afternoon. Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking, how may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END) No, ma'am, there is no cover charge for the nightly Broadway-style revue starring the Tropikettes and comedian Danny Meadows, the price of admission is included in the fare. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, the S.S. Romanza does dock at several port cities where you'll be able to go ashore and shop, and in addition there is our Celebrity Sunset catalogue of fine gifts for which, as a valued customer, you'll receive a 25 percent discount. (VOICE) You're welcome. (HANG UP)

GK: Which washed-up celebrity do you have booked for next week's cruise, if I may ask?

TR: Next week? Lemme see. Next week is Eddie Rictus, the lead singer of The Collies.

GK: The Collies....

TR: They recorded "Rama Lama Shimmy Shimmy Wop Dop A Shoop Shoop". Big hit in 1958. It went to No. 32 on the Billboard charts. Followed by "Jenny Jenny," which went to No. 31.

GK: Oh, right.

TR: And the week after that, it's Buck Sherrill, he played Louie on "The Joey Fisher Show". Louie, the brother-in-law. The one with the cigar.

GK: Right. Right.

TR: And the week after that, it's Manny Atkins. He was one of the Schenectady Seven.

GK: The Schenectady Seven....

TR: The anti-war protesters who were arrested for stuffing up toilets in draft board offices.

GK: They stuffed toilets?

TR: With cardboard. Famous case. 1973.

GK: And this is what you call celebrities?

TR: Not to me, no, but to people of your generation, yes. (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PHONE PICK UP) Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Who? (VOICE) Oh sure. I'll be right down. (HANG UP) I gotta meet a delivery guy, he's double-parked, be right back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)

GK: People of my generation. Ha. I kinda remember the Collies though. Acapella. Nice. Doesn't seem like that many years ago. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.

SS: (ON PHONE) Is this the cruise line?

GK: Yeah, but the guy who handles that is gone now.

SS (ON PHONE): Can you take a message for him?

GK: (SIGH) Okay. What is it?

SS (ON PHONE): This Celebrity Librarian cruise in March? Is this going to include book clubs on board?

GK: Yes, ma'am. According to the brochure, there will be.

SS: I'd like to get in one that's reading a book about an abused impoverished woman who learns how to believe in herself and becomes really really happy.

GK: That's the Oprah Book Club. We have a number of those. Do you prefer a tall and glamorous woman, petite, medium, or brick outhouse?

SS: I'd like a big woman.

GK: Tell me which is most important, less important, and least important to you: dialogue, narrative, description.

SS: Narrative is most important, then dialogue, then description.

GK: Okay. And do you want a dog in the book?

SS: No.

GK: Okay. Your book is Never So Much The Dancer by Sandra McReady Ellis, and would you like that with short paragraphs or long?

SS: Short.

GK: And you have the option of having one character in the book named for you? Would you prefer the heroine? the heroine's wisecracking girlfriend? her therapist? or the tramp with the heart of gold who gives her the word of advice that turns her life around?

SS: The tramp.

GK: Okay. You're all set.

SS: Will you mail me the book?

GK: Yes, we will. And enjoy your cruise. (HANG UP) (BRIDGE) The older I get the less I feel like talking to people. I donno. Dealing with the American public is not my idea of useful work. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.

TK (ON PHONE): Is this Caribbean cruises?

GK: Yeah, but the guy who handles that is gone right now.

TK (ON PHONE): Can you take a message for him?

GK: He'll be back in a minute----

TK (ON PHONE): I just want to change a reservation.

GK: Give him a call later. He'll be glad to..

TK (ON PHONE): It's just a simple reservation change. Only take a minute. Okay.

GK: Okay.

TK (ON PHONE): My wife and I want to switch our reservation from the March 6th cruise, the Celebrity Librarian cruise, and get on the March 13th one, the Giants of Jazz Banjo.

GK: Okay. Stead of March 6, March 13.

TK (ON PHONE): And instead of the luxury stateroom, we'd like to go for the premier.

GK: Okay. Premier. Gotcha.

TK (ON PHONE): And for our entree on the gala First Night banquet, my wife would like to switch from fish to filet mignon.

GK: Okay. Good choice. Anything else?

TK (ON PHONE): My wife would like to request a hypo-allergenic pillow.

GK: Okay.

TK (ON PHONE): Would you have that in an extra-firm?

GK: Let me see about that.

TK (ON PHONE): She likes the extra firm and I prefer the medium soft.

GK: Okay.

TK (ON PHONE): So you think you can get that for us?

GK: I'll do my best, sir. Believe me. I'll put in the order right away. (HANG UP) It's something that's come over me just in the past few years. An aversion to people. I'd be so happy if I could just sit in a room alone and....(PHONE RING) Oh come on, come on, come on. You said you were going to be back in a minute. (PHONE RING) How long does it take to deal with a delivery guy? Huh. (PHONE RING) He probably went off to lunch and he expects me to sit here and answer his phone for him. (PHONE RING) I tell you. People. You give em an inch and they take a mile. There's no decency anymore. (PHONE RING) Minnesota used to be a state of considerate people and now it's just push, push, push. (PHONE RING) Everybody just looking out for himself and getting whatever he can get and to heck with you. (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) OKAY, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? Is this Mr. Noir?

GK: Yes, it is!

SS (ON PHONE): I'm sorry. Did I call at a bad time?

GK: Lady, it's been a bad time for a long time. What can I do for you?

SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir. I'm not sure you remember me. This is Sylvia. Remember? The lady with the lost cat who you came over and found last Friday? Mr. Pookie?

GK: Oh, right. Sure. How is he?

SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, he misses you something terrible. He keeps sniffing at the chair where you sat. He goes to the door and meows. You did something to that cat, Mr. Noir. He's just sick without you. Would you mind talking to him on the phone, Mr. Noir? He's right here. Would you do that? would you just say his name?

GK: Say his name?

SS (ON PHONE): Say his name ---- like this ---- pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.

GK: Okay.

SS: Say it. Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.

GK: Okay, put him on the line and I will.

SS: Actually, would you mind if I record it on my answering machine so I can play it back to him?

GK: Not at all.

SS: Okay. (PAUSE)

GK: Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie. (PAUSE)

SS: Okay, I'm ready now.

GK: You didn't get that?

SS: All set, whenever you are.

GK: Okay. Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie. (PAUSE)

SS: Oh! there's the record button there. I was wondering why the light didn't go on. Try again, Mr. Noir.

GK: Ma'am, I've got a lot of work here --- okay?

SS: I've got it figured out now. Really. Go ahead. I'll count to three and then you do it again, okay?

GK: Okay. One more time.

SS: One. Two. Three.

GK: Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie. (PAUSE)

SS: I think I got it.

GK: Good. You're welcome.

SS: Oh no! The tape wasn't in.

GK: Ma'am, you're going to have to work this out some other way.

SS: Please. Please, Mr. Noir.

GK: Ma'am, I am not a cat crooner, okay? I don't deal with cats. I deal with thugs and lowlifes and mobsters and weasels and if any of them was to hear that I was in the business of cat whispering, I wouldn't dare show my face on the street.

SS: It'll only take you a moment. Please.

GK: Ma'am, I think you need to understand the meaning of the word No. It means No. N-o.

SS: I'm on my knees, Mr. Noir. Please. It would mean so much to him.

GK: I can't.

SS: I'm all set now.

GK: I can't.

SS: Please. I'm begging.

GK: I can't.

SS: I'll be forever grateful.

GK: I can't do it.

SS: It only takes a few seconds.

GK: It's not a matter of time.

SS: Please. I'm a desperate woman.

GK: I can't do it. It's a self-respect issue.

SS: I'll pay you a hundred dollars.

GK: Okay.

SS: Go.

GK: Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie. (PAUSE) You got it?

SS: I got it. Thanks.

GK: Good. You mind putting the phone up to Mr. Pookie's ear so I can talk to him again?

SS: Here he is, Mr. Noir. (MEOW ON PHONE)

GK: Listen to me, you big fat dustmop, one more meow out of you and I'll come and give you a poke in the pookie, ya hear me? One of these days a truck is going to run over you, pal, and we'll use you for a frisbee.

SS: You still there?

GK: Yeah.

SS: Thank you so much, Mr. Noir.

GK: Hey. My pleasure. (HANG UP)

TR: What was that all about?

GK: When did you come in?

TR: Just now. You talking to your girlfriend on the phone?

GK: You always sneak around eavesdropping on people?

TR: "Pookie pookie pookie" --- what does that mean, as if I didn't know?

GK: None of your business.

TR: It is too my business. That's a business phone there, pal. For every "pookie pookie pookie" you're costing me a customer.

GK: Oh, go take a pill, wouldja. For heavens sake. (HE CHOMPS ON A CRACKER)

TR: You mind not crunching your cracker so loud?

GK: I'm chewing as quietly as I can.

TR: Sounds like a horse eating oats or something.

GK: What do you want me to do?

TR: Just don't make a big production of it, okay?

GK: It's only a cracker.

TR: That's what I'm saying. It sounds like you're eating a sheet of plywood.

GK: You want me to let the cracker sit and soak before I chew?

TR: That's not a bad idea.

GK: I don't see that you leasing half the office gives you the right to dictate my eating habits.

TR: Okay. Two can play that game. (HE TAKES A BIG BITE OUT OF AN APPLE AND CRUNCHES IT) Whoops. Got some apple seeds in my mouth. (HE SPITS)

GK: Oh for heaven's sake.

TR: Good apple. (BELCH)

GK: I'm going out for a few hours.

TR: Good idea.

GK: And when I come back, could you have your brochures off of my side of the desk? Okay? Is that too much to ask?

TR: Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.

GK: Grow up, wouldja. Just grow up!

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers, Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)
(GUY NOIR THEME)

(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor