(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye --- (THEME OUT)
GK: It was one of those cold days in January when you start to re-examine your options. Like Tucson, for example. Or maybe some kind of medication that lowers your heart rate to sixteen beats a minute until April when you wake up and go out and get into some garbage. Or maybe Tucson. Business was slow. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.
TK (ON PHONE): Guy Noir?
GK: Yeah.
TK (ON PHONE): The private eye?
GK: Yeah.
TK (ON PHONE): You're Guy Noir?
GK: Yes. I'm Guy Noir! What do you think?
TK (ON PHONE): Well, I thought maybe you had somebody answering the phone.
GK: No, I answer it myself. This is me.
TK (ON PHONE): Okay, I just wanted to make sure I was talking to you and not some other person there in your office.
GK: Well, that's who you're talking to.
TK (ON PHONE): Cause it's kind of sensitive so I didn't want to go blabbing it all to someone else who is then maybe going to write it on a piece of paper or something, you know ---- leave it lying around or call you up and leave it on your voice mail and pretty soon the whole town'll be talking about it, you know what I mean?
GK: Okay, but what did you call me about?
TK (ON PHONE): I don't mean to get you riled up, but I'm just real security conscious, you know? I don't think a person can be too careful about privacy, the way things are going in this country, you got people who know a lot more than you think they do about your personal business. Wait! Do you hear someone breathing on the line?
GK: Yeah. Me. Now what did you call me about?
TK (ON PHONE): You know, it was on the tip of my tongue and now I forget. I'll call you right back, okay?
GK: Why bother?
TK (ON PHONE): That never happened to you? something slip your mind?
GK: No, it never did. (HANG UP) (BRIDGE) I got one assignment, to locate a lost cat----
SS: (WEEPY) I took him out for a walk and he squirmed out of his leash- --- I have no idea where he went to----
GK: What's his name?
SS: Mr. Pookie.
GK: Okay. I'll walk around town and call for him. A hundred bucks a day plus expenses.
SS: You can't just yell his name though. He's very sensitive. You have to say it
like this ---- pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.
GK: Okay.
SS: Say it. Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.
GK: Pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie.
SS: It breaks my heart. (WEEPY) I have to find him before Ricky comes home--- (MUSIC FADES IN)
GK: I used to be a real p.i., you read about me in adventure stories, like The Blonde in 204, Close Cover Before Striking, Dead Men Don't Go Shopping, I used to get big big cases involving heiresses and solariums and men in fedoras named Duke, and now it's pookie pookie pookie pookie pookie. (MEOW) (BRIDGE) It got to where I had to take a job at the Tuesday tea dance at the YWCA ---- (LIGHT LATIN) you do the samba for an hour with unaccompanied ladies and afterward you get all the chicken salad you can eat----
TR (JULIA): Oh my. You simply thrill me the way you throw your hips from side to side!
GK: Easy, ma'am.
TR (JULIA): Twirl me again that way you do. Oooooohh. Time to dip! Let's dip now. Ooooohhhh. (BRIDGE)
GK: And finally it got to where I had to take a big step and do something I'd never done before in my life. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in! (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR: You're the one who advertised for an office roommate?
GK: That's right. Who are you?
TR: Roger. I called this morning.
GK: Oh yeah. Travel business, right?
TR: Right. I run cruises in the Caribbean.
GK: I see. How long have you been in business?
TR: Since 1999.
GK: Okay.
TR: We hire faded celebrities to go on our cruises and give all these geezers a chance to hobnob with the formerly famous. Like this week it's Ronnie. From the Mousketeers. You remember. And next week it's the original cast of the musical "Hair".
GK: Right.
TR: And the week after that, it's the former radio storyteller Greer Garson.
GK: You mean, Carson Wyler.
TR: Right. Isn't that what I said?
GK: Carson Wyler, the man once referred to as America's Bedtime Storyteller.
TR: Oh really. I didn't know that.
GK: Travelers who suffered from jet lag would take his tapes to Europe and bang they'd be out like a light. He was famous.
TR: Guess he was before my time. So this is the office, huh?
GK: Right. You'd take that half there.
TR: And this'd be my desk here?
GK: We'd share the desk.
TR: I'd sit on that side?
GK: That's right.
TR: And we'd share the phone?
GK: Correct.
TR: And it's $200 a month?
GK: Right.
TR: What's that over there?
GK: That's my glassware collection. Some glassware I got from gas stations back when I had a car. Green goblets. You want I should move it down to this end? Is that it?
TR: Would you mind?
GK: No, that's fine. Glad to. (GK LIFTS BOX AND CARRIES IT, GLASSES JIGGLING, AND SETS IT DOWN) There. How's that?
TR: Good. How do we divvy up the file drawers? You take two drawers and I take one?
GK: You want two?
TR: Do you mind?
GK: No. It's no problem. Here. I'll empty out the second drawer for you. (OPEN DRAWER, PICKS UP JUNK, PUTS IT IN LOWER DRAWER) There.
TR: What's the policy on the coatrack?
GK: You want two hooks? You got it.
TR: Thanks. (SQUEAKS) The chair squeaks.
GK: I'll oil it for you. (FOOTSTEPS. SQUIRT.) There. All taken care of.
TR: Good. (HE SITS DOWN) Here's your check for two hundred.
GK: Thanks. --- Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Travel. (PHONE RING) Excuse me a moment.
TR: Excuse me. That could be for me. Here--- (PICK UP) Good afternoon. Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking, how may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, our Celebrity Sunset cruise leaves Miami every Monday, and the fare includes deluxe accommodations, gratuities, complimentary champagne, $100 in chips for the Can Can Casino and of course our nightly Broadway-style revue starring the Tropikettes and comedian Danny Meadows. Staterooms start at 399 for seven days --- a 10% discount if you book by Tuesday. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay. Thanks for your interest. (HANG UP)
GK: I take it, it was for you.
TR: Yes.
GK: I thought you told me your name is Roger.
TR: Roger Erickson. I use Raoul for atmosphere. Raoul Esteban.
GK: Of course.
TR: Would you mind if I stacked these brochures over here?
GK: On my side of the desk?
TR: I need room to write out the reservation forms. You don't seem to be using your side for anything.
GK: Well, I'm in a lull right now. It'll pick up. (PHONE RING) See? Excuse me.
TR: I've got it. (PHONE PICK UP) Good afternoon. Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking, how may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, our Celebrity Sunset cruise leaves Miami every Monday and the fare includes deluxe accommodations, gratuities, complimentary champagne, and our nightly revue starring the Tropikettes and comedian Danny Meadows. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay. Thanks for calling. (HANG UP)
GK: Which week is the original cast of Hair going?
TR: Sometime in March.
GK: That was the show with the "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius"--- right?
TR: I guess.
GK: Doesn't seem like that long ago.
TR: I was a little kid at the time. My parents wouldn't let me see it.
GK: Interesting.
TR: Would you mind ---- with the feet?
GK: What's wrong?
TR: Your feet are over on my side.
GK: They are?
TR: You're scraping your soles on my shoes. I just got these shined.
GK: Sorry. (PHONE RING) Go ahead. Be my guest.
TR: (PICK UP) Good afternoon. Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking, how may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, the Celebrity Sunset cruise leaves Miami every Monday and the fare includes deluxe accommodations, gratuities, complimentary champagne, and our nightly revue starring the Tropikettes and comedian Danny Meadows. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay. You're welcome. (HANG UP)
GK: This Danny Meadows? he's pretty funny?
TR: Yeah. He's funny. For the older crowd. You know.
GK: Uh huh.
TR: People in their forties think he's funny.
GK: Sure. Well, that's great.
TR: I would think you'd've heard of him.
GK: Your pile of brochures seems to be migrating over toward my side of the desk. I don't mean to seem ungrateful but ---
TR: Does it bother you?
GK: Well, once things start heating up around here, I'm going to need all the writing surface I can get for my legal pad and my Rolodex..... (PHONE RING) (PICKUP)
TR: Good afternoon. Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, this is Raoul speaking, how may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Just a moment. --- For you.
GK: Yeah? This is Noir.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Becky and I'm with Alpine Recliners, wondering if you've heard of our President's Day Sale, offering the double-wide recliner for 30% off list price---- we have that in forest green, pansy yellow, or maroon---
GK: Not interested. Sorry. (HANG UP) (PAUSE)
TR: Telemarketer, huh.
GK: No, it's someone trying to get me to come and lecture at the University. Criminal studies program keeps upping the offer and I keep saying no.
TR: You mind if I use my juicer?
GK: No, go right ahead.
TR: Thanks. I like to fix myself a tropical drink in the afternoon. Keep the energy level up and absorb the toxins. (UNWRAPPING PAPER, PLOPPING FRUIT INTO JUICER) Do you juice?
GK: Not in that sense, no. (MORE PLOPPING, UNWRAPPING) Some stuff from your papaya squirted over here on my side of the desk, Roger. It's making a mess.
TR: That's not a papaya, that's a muscatine.
GK: You have a paper towel or something to clean it up with?
TR: Sure. Just hold your horses. (BLENDER)
GK: And your pile of brochures is practically in my lap. I mean, you really are pushing the envelope, pal--- (PHONE RING)---
TR: You mind answering that for me?
GK: (SIGH) (PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
TK (ON PHONE): Is this the cruise line?
GK: Didn't I talk to you five minutes ago?
TK (ON PHONE): Yeah?
GK: You're the guy who forgot what he called about?
TK (ON PHONE): Then I remembered. I want to go on a cruise to the Caribbean.
GK: Just a moment. ---It's for you.
TR: You mind giving em the info--- I gotta put my supplements in---
GK: Uh, which cruise were you interested in, sir? We have a lot.
TK (ON PHONE): I saw you were offering a cruise with that guy who used to play the neighbor on that TV show, what was the name of that show--- "That Darn Ricky..." remember that show?
GK: I have no idea what you're talking about.
TK (ON PHONE): Name me some of your celebrities.
GK: Okay. There's a cruise with the clarinetist and American icon Butch Thompson----
TK (ON PHONE): No, that's not the one.
GK: We have the Cajun Celebrity Cruise, with Michael Doucette and Beausoleil---
TK (ON PHONE): No, this is someone from television---- a newscaster, I think----
GK: Hang on. I'll look. --- We have a celebrity meteorologists tour. (DOOR KNOCKS) Excuse me, someone's at the door. ---- Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) (FEMALE FOOTSTEPS, SLOW.)
SS: Hi. I'm Stephanie. (SEXY SAX)
GK: She walked into my office, a dark haired beauty in a dress so tight, I could read the day of the week on her underpants. Her raven tresses fell across her bare shoulders like chocolate sauce on a hot fudge sundae, and suddenly I had a craving for sweets.
SS: I'm here about the job as a recreation director.
GK: Whatever recreation you're directing, baby, sign me up.
SS: I'm available immediately.
GK: Me, too.
SS: Is the job still open? I brought my resume. Would you like to see it?
GK: She was a woman who would never in her life need a resume, ever. Just looking at her gave me chest pains.
SS: I'm available immediately.
TK (ON PHONE): You still there?
GK: Shut up.
SS: Pardon me?
GK: Not talking to you, honey.
TR: Oh, I'm sorry--- you must be Stephanie. Sorry, I was so busy juicing I didn't even see you come in.
SS: Really!!?? Do you juice??? I do, too.
GK: I'm just getting into it myself.
SS: What kind of a juicer do you have? Oh. My. A Jeux D'Esprit Juicer. I like that.
TR: I just made some muscatine-apricot-mango --- care to join me?
SS: I'd be delighted.
TK (ON PHONE): You looking for that brochure?
GK: I'm doing my best. Hang on. ---- Here. Why don't you take my chair, ma'am? Have a seat.
TR: That's okay. We're going to take our juice out in the hall.
SS: Nice meeting you, Mister---
GK: Noir.
SS: Bye.
TR: You mind answering the phone ---- I'll be back in an hour or so. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
TK (ON PHONE): You got that information yet?
GK: About what?
TK (ON PHONE): The cruise with that TV guy----
GK: I'm sorry, sir, that cruise is canceled.
TK (ON PHONE): Canceled!!
GK: All our cruises are canceled this spring.
TK (ON PHONE): What's wrong?
GK: Big salmonella outbreak. And we're having spider problems.
TK (ON PHONE): Spiders??
GK: Big hairy spiders. They got in the water system. Came crawling out of the toilets. Try the Love Boat. (HANG UP) (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) Caribbean Celebrity Sunset Cruises, Raoul speaking. (VOICE) Sorry, canceled due to hepatitis. (RING, PICK UP) Canceled, sir. Hepatitis. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor