(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
Our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, spent a quiet New Year's Eve out at his two-thousand acre farm in Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, Wisconsin.
TK: That's right.
GK: He was going to spend it alone at his 40th-floor penthouse at the Ritz St. Olaf in Minneapolis but then (DIALING ROTARY PHONE) he called out to the farm and his farm manager Bjorn (TR SWEDISH) had bad news. His champion chicken, Sid, was sick. (TK: Psitticosis, huh? I better get right out there.) And he ran (FOOTSTEPS) down the long terrace to the chopper pad and (ENGINE STARTING) got the big Chinook started and (CHOPPER) in the air and headed east.
It's been years since Tom spent New Year's Eve alone. Usually he's in Hollywood. Big stars invite him.
TR (KIRK DOUGLAS): Tom, it's Kirk. How about it? Won't be a party without you.
TK: Sorry. I can't.
TR (KIRK DOUGLAS): Mike's gonna be there. Johnny. Steve and Eydie. Eddie. Betty. Freddie.
TK: I'll take a rain check.
Every year, the rich and famous are after him to attend their party.
TR (JULIA CHILD): Tom! It's Julia! Bonjour! Listen - New Year's Eve! Have to have you, darling!
But Tom doesn't feel right because those big parties are all missing one thing.
TK: A cheese log.
You can have champagne and pate and oysters and caviar but -
TK: It's not a party if it doesn't have a cheese log.
This year the White House called.
TR (CLINTON): Tom, it's the President speaking. I understand that you're not going to be able to come to our 21st Century bridge- building party.
TK: I'm sorry, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Tom, I'd be more than happy to send Air Force One out there -
TK: Can't do it, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Khaddafi's coming. Fidel's coming. The Taliban from Afghanistan. Slobodan's going to be there. Ken Starr's coming.
TK: You going to have any logs?
TR (CLINTON): All of my logs were subpoenaed already.
TK: Cheese logs?
TR (CLINTON): No, I don't think so.
TK: Okay. Maybe next year.
So he flew east to Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, Wisconsin, and (CHOPPER) landed in the field by the horse arena and there to meet him was his dog (DOG) Dave and his elk (ELK) Earl and his orangutan (ORANGUTAN) Orville and the peacocks (SHRILL BIRD CRIES) Pete and Phoebe and the herons (SFX) Harry and Ron and his manager Bjorn (TR SWEDISH) and there in the house, in the guest bed, was Sid (CHICKEN SHIVERING) who was a pretty sick chicken (CHICKEN SNEEZE) and Tom had to take the chicken's temperature and there's only one way to do that and the chicken doesn't care for it (CHICKEN COMPLAINT) especially when you forget to warm the thermometer (ROOSTER CROWS), and it looked pretty bad ---
TK: Hmmmm. According to this, he's already medium rare.
So Tom got into his Ferrari (CAR ACCEL, THROUGH GEARS) and he raced along the back roads toward the village of Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin (CORNERING) to get some chicken vaccine but in his haste he took a wrong turn and (CAR SWERVING) wound up on mountain road winding along the top of a ridge and he tried to turn around (CAR SLOWS) and he got it into the ditch, stuck in the snow (WHEELS SPINNING) and he tried to rock it but it just dug down deeper (WHEELS SPINNING) so he had to strap on his skis and (SKIING DOWN) head down that steep slope in the dark, trying to dodge trees and (SKI SWERVE)rocks too but he didn't see the cliff and off he went (SKI OFF END, FLIGHT) and he was hundreds of feet in the air but he spread his windbreaker (FLUTTER OF CLOTH) and he sailed in to a perfect two-point landing (LANDS AND SKIS), and got the vaccine capsules (TK: Thanks.) and (FAST FOOTSTEPS) he rented a snowmobile (ENGINE START) and raced home (SNOWMOBILE) and (WOOFS) Dave came out to meet him along with Earl (ELK) and Orville (ORANG) and they gave the capsules to Sid and unfortunately it can't be taken orally, it has to be given as a suppository and the capsules had been out in the cold for awhile (ROOSTER CROW) but the chicken's life was saved and to celebrate, they brought out the cheese log. It was a tasty one, crusted with nuts, and everyone loved it. (ORANGUTAN) (TR SWEDISH APPRECIATION) (DOG PANTING) Including the chicken. (CHICKEN APPRECIATION) And especially Renee. Did I mention Renee? No? Well, she's always liked cheese logs. (TK: Care for some more cheese log, babes? Or would you rather go swimming?) and she tossed her beautiful long raven locks, nodding toward the sea --- did I mention the sea? I didn't mention the sea. Well, it was there, and he led her toward the sea, (CRASH OF SURF, FOOTSTEPS AWAY) or she led him, and they dropped their clothes on the beach and plunged into the dark and wild sea, but that's another story. Happy New Year. (PIANO FAST AULD LANG SYNE PLAYOFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor