(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
If you're looking for a new car for the new century, folks, you don't need a Grand Prix racer with 600 h.p. (FAST CAR PASSES) and you don't need a 4x4 wagon with four landing lights and two feet of ground clearance (POWERFUL ENGINE, CLIMBING), because you're not going to be driving 100 m.p.h. and you're not going to be climbing hills, you're going to be driving twenty-three miles to work and back at an average speed of eight m.p.h. (HORNS HONKING) And you won't need a Global Positioning System either; because navigation is not your problem --- you know where you are, you're about half a mile from where you were ten minutes ago --- and so the car you need is the Interstate Capsule Car, a roomy low-powered vehicle (SMALL ENGINE) that you maneuver into traffic and then (HUM OF MOTOR) you turn on the electromagnetic bumper that (BEEPS) locks you onto the bumper of the car in front and leaves you free to take a shower (SHOWER) --- yes, the Interstate Capsule Car carries more than enough hot water for a shower --- and as (COFFEEMAKER DRIPPING) your coffeemaker brews a fresh pot, you (HAIR DRYER) dry your hair and dress and brush your teeth (BRUSHING) and pour your coffee (POURING) and turn on the TV (TV AUDIO) for the news as you eat your yoghurt and toasted bagel --- you're almost halfway to work now --- and as the Capsule Car drives under the next overpass you open the moon roof and the paperboy drops the morning paper down (CLUNK, UNFOLD PAPER) and you read that and (COMPUTER BEEPS) you check your e-mail and reply to it (CLICKS OF KEYS) and take care of business and by the time you get on the exit ramp and (HUM OF MOTOR) disengage from the car in front and (SMALL ENGINE) head for the office, you've used that hour and a half commute to advantage. Comes equipped with a bed if you want to start your commute the night before. Ask any owner of an Interstate Capsule Car, and he'll tell you.
TK: I look forward to my commute every morning and afternoon. I get more done during those four hours --- I enjoy the privacy --- and with the electromagnetic bumper, my gas mileage has never been better.
TR (MEL JASS ANNOUNCER): Why not trade in that gas-guzzling Grand Prix or S.U.V. on an Interstate Capsule Car today! $2000 rebate if you act now! Factory air included! Top trade-in values! No payments until April! (BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor