(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: To make a long story short, I never did make it to New York for Christmas, which was my big Christmas wish - no cashmere sweater for me, thank you, no book, no cologne - all I wanted was to walk around Macy's and look at the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and maybe sit in the back of a church on Christmas Eve and listen to a choir, which ought to be enough for anybody. I was all set to run up some major credit card debt and do it and then (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) - Yeah? Noir here. (FEMALE VOICE AT OTHER END) It was my sister Georgina. (FEMALE VOICE) Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. (FEMALE VOICE) Good, I'm glad to hear it. (FEMALE VOICE) She said that she knew it was a long bus ride for me from St. Paul out to the western suburbs and so I was welcome to spend the night on the rollaway in the basement. (FEMALE VOICE) She also said she knew I was short on money so she'd gone ahead and bought presents for me to give her three kids. (FEMALE VOICE) She said she'd tell me what I was giving them if I wanted to know. I said to take my name off the presents, that her kids are spoiled rotten, and I don't want to be an enabler. (FEMALE VOICE SOBBING) The conversation sort of went downhill from there. She said she was glad that Mother was dead so she couldn't see what had become of me, and other pleasantries of that nature. (BRIDGE) All of which made me look forward to getting out of town. I had gotten four credit cards in the mail just that morning and I (RIP OF PAPER) opened the envelopes and signed them (SCRIBBLE) and - And then - I went to put them in my wallet and it wasn't in my back pocket. (RUSTLE OF PAPERS) It wasn't in the desk drawer. (RUMMAGING IN JUNK) Or on top of the desk. (RAPID OPENING OF THREE METAL CABINET DRAWERS) Not in the filing cabinet. - (PANICKY FOOTSTEPS, OBSESSIVE RUSTLING AND RATTLING IN SEARCH) Oh, my gosh. I can't believe this (MORE PANIC) Why do I keep losing stuff? And always at the worst possible time?? It's got to be here. It's just got to be. How can a grown man - Oh, my gosh. I dashed (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) over to the Five Spot (HORNS HONK, PASSING) and ran in (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, HURRYING FOOTSTEPS) and Jimmy was waiting on some people - hey, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's everything?
GK: Not so good. Listen, Jimmy -
TR (JIMMY): One second, be right back. Help yourself to some fruitcake. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK: Fruitcake!! I wouldn't eat that if I was starving to death.
TK (FINIAN): It's a good fruitcake. Sticky, but good.
GK: You'd need a chainsaw to cut this junk. Hey Jimmy -
TK (FINIAN): It's good if you like dates.
GK: Get it away from me.
TK (FINIAN): You seem a wee bit perturbed, me boy.
GK: I'm fine, Father. Just a little crisis -
TK (FINIAN): Perhaps it's one that a wee bit of Scotch could allay ...
GK: No thanks, not right now. Oh, sorry, miss ...
SS: Hey, no problem.
GK: Didn't mean to bump you.
SS: I was hoping it was intentional.
GK: I didn't see you. Sorry.
SS: Darn. I've always been attracted to older men.
TK (FINIAN): My heavens.
SS: When you put your hand on my shoulder, I saw the liver spots and I thought - hey.
GK: It was an accident. Sorry. Hey, Jimmy -
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: I'm sorry, sir. What?
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: Is he with you, Father?
TK (FINIAN): He wasn't before but I think he is now.
GK: What did he just say?
TK (FINIAN): I have no idea. He's going on and on about something for almost an hour.
SS: Can't understand a thing he says.
TK (FINIAN): No, indeed.
GK: Jimmy!
TK (FINIAN): Still, I feel that somehow we've become friends.
GK: Jimmy - do you mind?
SS: Yeah, me too.
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
SS: I mean, it's Christmas.
TK (FINIAN): Exactly, my dear. Christmas. Here's to Christmas then. (CLINK OF GLASSES)
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
TR (JIMMY, APPROACHING): Okay, okay, okay ... here you go, Father. (SETS GLASS ON BAR) And a lemonade for you, Miss.
SS: "Miss" - I like that.
GK: Jimmy, did I leave something in here last night?
TR (JIMMY): And an eggnog for you, sir. (SETS GLASS ON BAR)
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: Jimmy, I forgot something in here last night.
TR (JIMMY): I'm sorry. What?
GK: I forgot my billfold here last night.
TR (JIMMY): Not in here you didn't.
GK: I must've.
TR (JIMMY): I swept up last night. Didn't see it. Sorry. What can I get you?
GK: I got to have it, Jimmy. I need my driver's license to get on the plane to New York.
TR (JIMMY): Well, if it shows up, I'll let you know.
GK: Jimmy, lemme look around behind the bar. Maybe I dropped it somewhere. Listen. I'm desperate.
TR (JIMMY): Listen. Guy. If you ever took out your billfold in this joint, it'd be a historic event. The newspaper woulda sent over a photographer. You been running up a tab here since Hoover was president.
GK: Ohhhhh, I can't believe this.
TK (FINIAN): Might you have left it in another pair of pants, me boy?
GK: I been wearing this pair all week, Father.
SS: Did you look on your bedroom dresser?
GK: I looked everywhere.
SS: I lose things all the time.
TK (JOWLY GUY): GIBBERISH
TR (JIMMY): What'd he say?
SS: I think he said "He loses things too."
TR (JIMMY, SOTTO VOCE): He may have lost more than he thinks.
SS: I'm sure you'll find it eventually.
TK (FINIAN): Aye. "Cast your bread upon the waters and it shall come back to you fourfold." Or is that tenfold?
TR (JIMMY): Boy, isn't that the truth.
TK (FINIAN): I forget the exact percentage.
SS: Yeah. I always found that it's good luck to lose things. You always get back more than what you lost. It's true.
TK (FINIAN): Faith, yes. Scripture says that a man must lose his life in order to save it.
GK: You know, I could use with a little less inspirational counselling here, thank you very much. Can't you let a guy just sit and feel sorry for himself for five minutes before you start in throwing the adages and proverbs at him.
SS: Just trying to help.
GK: Well, stop trying.
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: Oh, shut up.
TK (JOWLY MAN): SOFT GIBBERISH
GK: Don't talk to me. I feel bad. Leave me alone.
TR (JIMMY): You didn't even know what he was saying.
GK: I don't care.
TR (JIMMY): Well, you don't have to bark at him.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (JIMMY): We don't yell at people in here. What do you think this is? A church?
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (JIMMY): Well, don't apologize to me, say it to him.
GK: I'm sorry, sir. I had no business being so rude to you and I apologize.
TK (JOWLY MAN): FORGIVING GIBBERISH
GK: It's just that - I been thinking all month about New York and what it'd be like and how much fun it'd be and then - today - I lose my billfold. I can't get on a plane. Oh well.
TR (JIMMY): Let me make you a drink, Guy.
GK: No, no - no.
TK (FINIAN): Let me buy you one.
GK: No, that's all right. I should go home. Maybe it'll find itself. Maybe somebody left it in a mailbox.
SS: You think it was stolen?
GK: Yeah, probably.
SS: What a shame.
TK (FINIAN): Well, you came to the right place, me boy. We all understand how you feel, believe me.
TR (JIMMY): Boy, ain't that the truth.
GK: You people having a run of bad luck, too?
SS: You see my hair, mister?
GK: I've been trying not to stare at it, ma'am, but yes.
SS: Kind of dramatic, isn't it?
TK (FINIAN): Kind of like a neon sign with legs.
SS: It was brunette until I lost my job.
GK: Something about neon red hair does seem to suggest unemployment, yes.
SS: I was a high school librarian.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: For twenty years. I sat like a little mouse behind the desk in my corduroy jumper and my hair tied back in a ponytail and I was an information resource person.
GK: Right.
SS: And my boss, the principal, was this yo-yo who always got drunk at the staff Christmas party and made a pass at me. So I decided not to go this year and the next day he fired me.
GK: What?
SS: Attending the staff Christmas party is mandatory. It's in your contract.
GK: Really -
SS: So I went to the hair salon and I said, "What is the brightest shade of red you can make my hair?" And they said, "Pulsating Crimson." And this is what they came up with.
GK: Pretty bright.
TR: When I first looked at her, I thought I was watching brain surgery on the Discovery Channel.
TK (FINIAN): She'll never be run over by a bus, that's for sure.
GK: So what are you going to do?
SS: I have no idea. But I'm feeling better by the minute. I tell you, you dye your hair neon red, it just makes you happy. I don't know. Maybe the red draws more blood to the brain.
GK: Good for you. So what about you, Father?
TK (FINIAN): Ah, it's a long story, me boy. A long sad story. I had me a very cushy job the past ten years. In New York, don't you know. I was Catholic chaplain to the stock exchange.
GK: You offered spiritual counselling on Wall Street -
TK (FINIAN): Not many takers. No. We had a morning Bible study group reading the Book of Job. Nobody came.
GK: Wrong book, I guess.
TK (FINIAN): Oh, ever so often someone would come and want to talk about the emptiness of their lives, but you know, it was always someone who'd had a very bad week.
GK: He'd lost money.
TK (FINIAN): Exactly. Everyone else was making money hand over fist, and I just saw the losers. People who said the depression was just around the corner.
GK: Uh oh.
TK (FINIAN): So I never invested in the market. I put my money in passbook savings.
GK: Ouch.
TK (FINIAN): I spent the ten years writing my memoir of growing up Irish in North Dakota. I called it "Gladys's Garbage".
GK: Nice title.
TK (FINIAN): But they don't want Irish memoirs anymore. This McCourt fellow has taken the whole market for himself. What a shame. What a miscarriage of justice.
GK: Ah. Tis.
TK (FINIAN): But here we are, and it's Christmas. And I'm quite content. For some reason, I'm really quite happy.
GK: Well, I hope to read that memoir someday.
TK (FINIAN): Bless you for saying so.
GK: Jimmy, how about a round of eggnog for the party?
TR (JIMMY): Don't I get to tell my story?
GK: Oh. Sorry.
SS: You go right ahead.
TK (FINIAN): What happened, me boy?
TR (JIMMY): Well, a year ago I met a woman who seemed just perfect for me, the woman of my dreams, someone I could really talk to.
GK: So what happened?
TR (JIMMY): We met each other.
GK: Oh.
TR (JIMMY): We talked for a year online, and last week we got together for dinner.
GK: And she didn't look like what she said she was going to look like -
TR (JIMMY): Not even close. I was expecting Cindy Crawford and she turned out to be Broderick. She had the personality of a rhinoceros.
GK: So it was awkward.
TR (JIMMY): She did all the talking. She told me about how much I meant to her - she had a voice that would strip wallpaper - and I sat and ate my broiled haddock and finally I jumped up and tore off to the men's room and wrote her a note. On toilet paper. I said I was incapable of loving another person and I was going to join the merchant marine.
GK: I'm sorry about that, pal.
TR (JIMMY): Hey. I'm over it. It's Christmas. What would you like? An eggnog?
GK: Sure. A round for the house. On me.
TR (JIMMY): Okay. Four eggnogs coming up.
GK: Five. One for him, too.
TR (JIMMY): Who?
GK: Him.
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: God bless you for the thought, sir.
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: I could've sworn he said, let's sing Christmas carols.
SS: I thought he said something about going fishing with Harold.
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: Little Town of Bethlehem? Sure we can sing that.
TK (FINIAN): Didn't he say "Around ten a.m."
GK: No, no. Little Town of Bethlehem. What do you say we raise our ruined voices in a sweet old Christmas hymn? Come on, everybody.
(O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM....VERSE)
GK: Boy, the acoustics in this bar are incredible!
TK (FINIAN): Wasn't that fine? Oh, I should say. Quite remarkable.
GK: We sounded like a choir.
TK (FINIAN): You would've thought there were angels here singing with us.
SS: Maybe there's a Lutheran convention in town.
TR (APPROACHING): Here's your eggnogs, everybody. (SETS MUGS ON BAR) The singing sounded pretty darn good. Very nice. Very nice.
GK: An eggnog ought to help us blend more.
TK (JOWLY): GIBBERISH
SS: I wonder if he might have something stuck in his mouth.
GK: Do you have food in your mouth, sir?
TK (JOWLY MAN): GIBBERISH
GK: Open your mouth, sir. Let me see.
TR: I think maybe he bit off more than he could chew.
SS: I know the Heimlich maneuver. Let's see if it works. Here - (THUMP. COUGH. SPLAT)
GK: His mouth was full of fruitcake!
TK (FINIAN): Mother of mercy!
GK: That's dangerous stuff. There ought to be a law against it.
TR: You okay, mister?
TK (JOWLY): I'm fine. Excuse me. (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) I hate candied cherries.
SS: Here. Have an eggnog. Take the taste out of your mouth.
(PHONE RING, PICK UP)
TR: Five Spot, Jimmy speakin. - Yeah, he's right here. - For you, Guy.
GK: Yeah? (FEMALE VOICE AT OTHER END) Yeah, Georgina. (FEMALE VOICE) Friday at 6? Sure. I'll be there. (FEMALE VOICE) Fine, fine. (FEMALE VOICE) No, I like your kids. They're good kids. I was just in a bad mood cause I lost my billfold. (FEMALE VOICE) Yeah, yeah ... I'll talk to you later. (HANG UP) So - how about we sing another Christmas carol? (GENERAL AGREEMENT) You got a favorite, sir?
TK (JOWLY): The one about angels bending near the earth.
GK: Right. That one. Well, here's to us, everybody. Here's to all the people down on their luck at Christmas. A lot of people wake up every morning scared to death they're gonna lose what they got. Us - we've got nothing to be afraid of. Nothing.
IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR
(INTO THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor