(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye -
(PIANO)GK: It was two weeks before Christmas and I was still trying to figure out a way to get to New York for the holiday so I wouldn't have to spend it at my sister Georgina's and get all depressed, so I went over to the Five Spot to talk to Jimmy and see whether maybe he'd be able to lend me the dough. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS).
TR (JIMMY): Hey there, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Oh, not bad, Jimmy. Not bad, not bad at all. In another month, it'll be even better.
TR (JIMMY): Got the Christmas blues, huh?
GK: Awww. It's my sister. Georgina. She goes all out, don't you know ... makes all her own gifts, all of them - she cuts her own tree, makes all the decorations, makes the centerpiece, weaves her own tablecloth, makes all the dinner plates in her kiln, shoots the turkey and spends about forty-eight hours cooking the dinner - she makes Martha Stewart look like Alice Kramden - and when you get there, the woman is walking around like a zombie. She has one glass of wine and she starts crying about how nobody ever appreciated her.
TR (JIMMY): Maybe she oughta stay away from red wine.
GK: Maybe I oughta stay away from Georgina.
TR (JIMMY): Maybe you ought to come with me, out to my sister's.
GK: Well, that's very nice of you, Jimmy. Very nice.
TR (JIMMY): It's just her and her little boy and her ex-husband and her ex-husband's second wife and her former mother-in-law and the mother- in-law's stepdaughter and me.
GK: Sounds very cozy.
TR (JIMMY): She dumps a bunch of Swanson's in the oven and a good time is had by all.
GK: I was sort of thinking of New York ...
TR (JIMMY): Course this year she's had a tough time cause her hair fell out. So she couldn't waitress anymore.
GK: No, I suppose not.
TR (JIMMY): So I've been helping her out financially.
GK: Sure.
TR (JIMMY): I mean, what you gonna do? She's my sister.
GK: Right. (DOOR OPENS, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) Well, my, my, my. (SEXY SAX) She was a woman who all of a sudden made me forget about Christmas. She was tall and slim and her raven tresses fell on bare shoulders, one look at which made the hair on the back of my legs stand up.
TR (JIMMY): Evening, ma'am. What can I do for you?
SS: I'd like a glass of water, please. (PAUSE, HICCUP)
TR (JIMMY): A glass of water.
SS: Yes. (HICCUP)
GK: Excuse me, ma'am, but I can't help but notice that you've got the hiccups.
SS: I'm supposed to model at the Christmas fashion show in (HICCUP) fifteen minutes and some of the clothes I'm modeling, if you (HICCUP) hiccuped they'd fall right off you.
GK: Right. (HICCUP)
TR: Here's your water, ma'am.
SS: Thanks. (SHE DRINKS) (HICCUP)
GK: You know - if I could offer a tip - sometimes it helps if two people take you by your ankles and shake you. (HICCUP)
SS: No thanks.
GK: Just an idea.
TR: How about you drink from the back of the glass?
SS: Okay. (HICCUP) (DRINKS) (PAUSE)
TR: Hey, it worked. (HICCUP)
(PAUSE) (GK YELLS AT HER) (HICCUP)
SS: I'm afraid you don't scare me, mister.
GK: I was afraid I wouldn't.
TR: Try holding your breath.
SS: Okay. (SHE INHALES) (PAUSE) It worked. They're gone. Simple as that.
TR: Yeah, that's what works for me.
GK: So where is this fashion show?
SS: Thanks a lot, mister. Thanks.
TR: You're entirely welcome.
GK: So this Christmas fashion show you're in -
SS: It's a benefit, for charity. $1000 a head.
GK: Oh. Sure. Well
TR: We were just talking about Christmas when you came in - I was just telling Guy here that I been helping out my sister financially and luckily for me this year all of my regular patrons have been tremendously generous with their Christmas gifts.
SS: Bartenders get Christmas gifts?
GK: My thought exactly, ma'am.
TR: Of course. Your bartender is closer to you than even your best friends sometimes. And that's why so many of my regular patrons have been handing me little envelopes with 20, 40, 60, a hundred bucks in them and they say, "Jimmy, this is for all you done for me in the year just past, and to make sure that you and your needy sister have a joyous Christmas." That's what they say to me. It's very touching.
SS: HICCUP
GK: Now look what you went and did. You got her going again. Maybe I should take you to your home, ma'am, and we could try some home remedies.
TR: Just hold your breath again, like you did before.
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Yes, sir. What can I get for you?
TK: A glass of water. (HICCUP)
GK: Oh no. Now we got two of em.
TK: How come she's holding her breath?
TR: She's curing her hiccups.
TK: (HICCUP) Holding your breath don't work.
SS: It does too. It worked before. (HICCUP) Whoops.
TK: See? It don't work.
GK: It did until you butted in.
TK: Only thing that works for me is oysters. Oysters and caviar. (HICCUP) (SS AND TK NOW BEGIN HICCUP DUET, HER FOLLOWING HIS BY A SECOND, THE PITCH OF THE HICCUPS SLOWLY RISING AS PASSION RISES)
GK: Well, he doesn't have any of that here, so forget about it.
TR: Actually I do.
GK: You do?
TR: I got some as a way of saying thank you to my patrons who've given me Christmas gifts.
GK: Oh, for pity's sake.
TK: You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life.
GK: Quit drooling over her. You're disgusting.
TK: You're absolutely astonishing.
GK: You're rather astonishing yourself, sir.
SS: I find myself attracted to you in ways I can't explain.
GK: Neither can we. Look at him.
SS: He's beautiful.
GK: He's bald as a baby's butt.
SS: I find it very attractive.
TK: They say that there's a direct connection between hair loss and virility.
GK: Right. And they said that in the year 2000 we'd all be traveling in flying automobiles, too.
SS: You're - the moment you walked in the door, my heart beat faster.
GK: That wasn't a heartbeat, that was a hiccup.
TK: Suddenly I don't mind having the hiccups anymore.
SS: Neither do I.
TK: You make hiccups sound like music.
SS: I feel exactly the same. What's your name?
TK: Tim.
SS: I'm Tammy.
TK: Tammy -
SS: Tim.
TK: What are you doing tonight?
SS: Nothing. I'm free as the wind.
GK: Don't forget your fashion show.
SS: I'm yours.
TK: Mine -
SS: Tim -
TK: Oh Tammy -
(FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, TOWARD DOOR. HICCUPING RISES IN PITCH. A FEW HICCUPS AT THE DOOR, THEN DOOR CLOSE)
TR: Wasn't that nice? Gosh. To see two people meet like that and fall in love. (HE GETS EMOTIONAL) Kinda reminds me why I went into the bartending business to begin with. To see two ships on the great ocean of life find each other -
GK: Oh, spare me. Please. Please.
TR: Two hitchhikers on life's long highway -
GK: Just button it up, would you. Here. Blow your nose. (TR HONK)
TR: Thanks.
GK: You feel better?
TR: Much better. Thanks.
GK: You got some hanging out of your left nostril. (TR TOOT)
TR: Got it?
GK: Got it. Listen, Jimmy. I have to get out of here before Christmas. Got to. My life depends on it. Got to get to New York for Christmas. And I'm asking for your help, Jimmy.
TR: Why New York? It's big, it's noisy, full of strangers -
GK: That's what I like about it. I like strangers.
TR: You do?
GK: Christmas in New York - compared to going to my sister's, it's beautiful.
TR: What do you do?
GK: You go for a nice long walk and you work up an appetite, then you go into a Chinese restaurant, you order the turkey in the Szechuan garlic sauce with the hot and sour cranberries, and you enjoy your dinner, and your fortune says something about you meeting the woman of your dreams, and you walk around the big old city winking and twinkling in the dark and you think your beautiful thoughts and go home and go to bed.
TR: If you're asking for a loan, Guy, remember you still owe me from two previous loans.
GK: I was hoping to consolidate those with a new one -
TR: Nope. Sorry. I can't. Can I get you a drink, Guy?
GK: Sure. An eggnog. Hold the nutmeg.
TR: One eggnog, coming up ... (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Well, I guess I'll use that new credit card, the one they sent me last month. Two thousand bucks credit in the line, just waiting for me to turn on the tap. It'll be February before they start trying to collect, and it'll be April before the letters start getting really nasty. April. A lot can happen by April. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, private eye. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor