(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(ALL SFX VOCAL) The arrival of our show in New York has made Mayor Giuliani uneasy because of course he wants New York presented in a positive way as a friendly place(SERIES OF VOICES SAYING HI, HOWDY, HELLO), a place where you go to have a good time and see a show (TAP DANCE) and you go out to a wonderful dinner (CORKSCREW, POP, POUR WINE) and maybe get a hotel room (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) and the view out the window is so spectacular (GASP OF AWE) you forget all about the room tax. So our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, met with the Mayor and assured him that we will not do any sound effect of an elephant defecating on our show today.....
TK: I wasn't able to meet with him, but I left him a note.
GK: You assured him of that in writing.
TK: I did, yes.
GK: And he was okay with that?
TK: I don't know. I hope so.
GK: That's good. The mayor runs this city, in case anyone didn't know that. There is a City Council but nobody is quite sure why. The mayor is the main guy here and if he gets the idea that you're going to have defecating elephants on your radio show, suddenly you're going to find the street blocked off and a lot of guys with jack-hammers working, and inspectors coming to check your microphone certificates, and people from the health department checking the soles of your shoes for communicable disease....so there was no way we were going to present the bodily functions of giant pachyderms on our broadcast today. Maybe some gastric distress, okay (ELEPHANT)....maybe an elephant taking a giant bicarbonate (FIZZ) or an elephant walking into the bathroom and closing the door (DOOR CLOSE, MUFFLED ELEPHANT), but in order not to offend the Mayor we promised not to do bathroom humor of an elephantine nature on our show. Radio is a powerful medium, it's more real than television ---- on television, you can sit and watch cars blow up, guys be mowed down by machine gun fire, and eat your dinner through the whole thing, but with radio ---- sometimes we've presented simple, non- life-threatening medical procedures on the show and people almost toss their cookies.....(RESPIRATOR, CLINK OF INSTRUMENTS)....
TK: Okay, we're all set, Mr. Briggs....we're only using a local anesthetic because we need you to be able to hold your eye open while we snip off the retina, okay? You all set, Mr. Briggs? Just raise your index finger any time you want me to stop, okay? Good. Nice and relaxed now. Hold your head steady. That's right. Just look straight at the scissors, Mr. Briggs. Straight at the scissors. (SNIP) There. Very good. Now the left eye.....
GK: In the movies, you can send thousands of guys ashore and blow em up with rockets and mortars and mines and nobody blinks, but on radio.....
TK: Just look straight at the scissors. That's right. Keep your eye open. (SNIP)
GK: A little medical procedure makes people nauseous. That's because radio is more real than other media. On television medical shows, you see blood all over but it doesn't affect you, you know the whole thing is fake, whereas on radio....
TK: Now I'd like you to lean forward and grasp your ankles, Mr. Briggs. And hold very steady. Very steady.
GK:Radio is just much more graphic. And that's why, in the public interest, we don't do bowel movements by very large animals on our show. And also because Mayor Giuliani wouldn't care for it. (ELEPHANT) What's that elephant doing here? Get that elephant out of here. (ELEPHANT) Why is the elephant squatting down like that? (ELEPHANT) We're going to cut away from our New York show and take you back to our main studio in St. Paul for just a moment.....
TR (MIDWESTERN): 43.25 to 43.75. Number 1 and 2, 200-250 pound hogs, $29.50 to 30.25. Number 2, 3, and 4 250-350 pound hogs, 31.75-32.85. Number 2 and 3, 350-525 pound hogs, 34.35 to 35.60. Number 1, 2 and 3 700-950 pound hogs, 34.75 to----
GK: Okay. We're back in New York now (ENGINE) and that sound you hear is a backhoe coming onstage (SCRAPING, MUCK MOVING) and while the crew works to clear the stage, I just want to say: we know how real radio is and we know that many of you are in the midst of mealtime right now. And that creates a conflict between so-called "good taste" and your right to the facts.
TK: I'm going to have to reach in and grasp your eyeball now and pop it out, Mr. Briggs. This won't hurt. It'll just sound funny. Okay? You all set? (POP)
GK: And now for just a moment back to our studio in St. Paul.....
TR (MIDWESTERN): 2, 3 and 4, 1150-1400 pound hogs, 36.55 to 37.15. Numbers 1 and 2, 1400-1800 pound hogs, 36.85 to 39.20. And now today's livestock prices on great woolly mammoths. Numbers 1 and 2, 50,000 to 65,000 pound great woolly mammoths, 3.75 to 4.25. Numbers 2 and 3, 65,000 to----
GK: Okay. We're back in New York. It's a real world out there, and as broadcasters, we have an obligation to bring that real world to you, and to report the facts, and the fact is that large animals such as elephants have to go too, but we won't report that, out of deference to Mayor Giuliani and to you. A promise from sound effects man Tom Keith, who loves New York and (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) who loves the view from his hotel room. (GASP OF AWE)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor