(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(CRASH, WOOD SPLINTERING, THEN BIG FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JESSE): Hey, hoooyah!
GK: Hey, Jesse. Jesse (The Body) Ventura.
TR: Nice to see ya.
GK: Good to see you, Governor?
TR: Who you talking to? Governor? Oh! you mean me!!
GK: Right. That's you.
TR: Right. I keep forgetting.
GK: Wish we could. What are you doing in Rapid City, Governor?
TR: Well, the weather's been nice, I got out my Harley and rode out to Sturgis and hung out in the bars for awhile and then I drove over to Mount Rushmore so they could measure my head.
GK: Your head?
TR: Right. A lotta people have told me that those four guys look like they need a fifth.
GK: Need a fifth - they're stoned already. That's a joke, Governor.
TR: Good -Yeah, everywhere I go, people tell me, they say, "Jesse, how come your head isn't there next to Teddy Kennedy's on Mount Rushmore."
GK: Teddy Roosevelt.
TR: Whatever. One of those guys. So some people are starting a nationwide campaign, "Jesse On The Rocks".
GK: So does this mean that you've decided to run for the White House?
TR: Well, as I've said over and over, time and time again, I will not run for president until I see the American people rise up as one in a grass-roots movement and demand that I not deny them their constitutional right to be able to vote for me.
GK: And do you see this grass-roots movement?
TR: Well, let me tell you. Everywhere I went in Sturgis, no matter which bar I was in, people were telling me, "Jesse, go for it." So, I donno.
GK: And you want your face carved on Mount Rushmore before or after you're in the White House?
TR: I look on it as a sort of a beautification project. You know? I mean, look at these guys. George Jefferson? Give me a break.
GK: Thomas Jefferson.
TR: Whatever. Nobody knows these guys anymore. Their time is past. Jesse (The Body)'s time is now, baby. You put me up there, rest assured: You'll see people visiting Mount Rushmore who never would've visited there before.
GK: That's what concerns us.
TR: They'll double the number of sweatshirts they sell.
GK: I'm sure.
TR: Here. I want to present you with this complimentary "Jesse On The Rocks" t-shirt.
GK: Thank you.
TR: That'll be twenty bucks.
GK: You said it's complimentary.
TR: Well, you know what they say about steroids and short term memory loss. Okay, split the difference: make it thirty bucks.
GK: Right here, Governor.
TR: Write your senator, and your congressman, and tell them you want Jesse On The Rocks. That's J-E-S-E-
GK: Two S's in Jesse.
TR: Whatever.
GK: Governor Jesse Ventura, thanks for joining us today. (BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor