(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: But enough about us, let's talk about you for a moment as we bring you Collegiate Close-Up (THEME) ... a report on the concerns of young people today as they prepare for leadership in the 21st Century - (MUSIC) You're in your senior year of college (POP OPEN CAN) and every night you come back to the dorm and you hit the books (SWITCH, TV AUDIO, VOICES, GUNS) - and you and your roommate sit around and talk about organic chemistry (BELCH) and you take turns puncturing holes in each other's ears and noses for jewelry.
TR: All set, dude? TK: Yeah. (PAUSE. METAL PUNCH. TK: SHUDDER OF PAIN)
GK: And it's a coed dorm so there's a lot of sex going on all the time. (DOOR OPEN. SS: Hey! TK: Sorry! DOOR CLOSE) But it's a church school so nobody really enjoys it. (SS (WEEPING): How could I have been so foolish? Why? Why?) Mainly the students watch TV and accumulate empties and install new metal in each other.
TK: How about a neck ring?
TR: Cool.
TK: Hold real still.
TR: No problem.
TK: You ready?
TR: Go for it, dude. (PAUSE. PUNCH. TR SHUDDER.)
GK: And then one afternoon you get a call from your mom.
SS ON PHONE: How'd you like to have dinner with Daddy and me, Brent?
TR: Where are you?
SS: Downstairs.
TR: DOWNSTAIRS?????!!!! Chanel! Get your clothes on.
SS GIRL: Huh? Like, why? What's wrong, Brent? KNOCKS ON DOOR.
TK MUFFLED: Brent?
TR: I'll be right there! SHOVES JUNK UNDER BED.
GK: And you pull all the earrings and the neck ring and the tongue stud and the nose rings (SERIES OF POPS) and your butt plug (DEEPER POP AND FART) and you get dressed.
TR: Stay in the bathroom, Chanel. (OPEN DOOR. CLOSE DOOR) Hi, dad. (TK JOWLY GUY)
GK: And you go off to dinner with your poor old parents.
SS: Honey, I respect your lifestyle choices but - when you come home for Thanksgiving - (WEEPY) would you mind coloring your hair brown again? I don't mind orange, but - for Grandma's sake. Please.
TR: Okay, Mom. Whatever.
TK JOWLY MAN
TR: Huh? I'm doing real good in school. My grades are way up from last year, Dad.
GK: And they give you a big check to cover your semester abroad in the Virgin Islands, and you head back to the dorm.
TK: Hey - ya mind punching a hole in my forehead? I wanta have a forehead ring. Okay?
TR: Okay. You all set, dude?
TK: All set.
TR: Hold still. Steady. PAUSE. PUNCH. TK SHRIEK.
GK: And you go back to your books (TV AUDIO, GUNS, TALK) and then it hits you (CHORD) - This is your last semester at Trinity. Spring semester is your semester in the Virgin Islands. In June, you graduate. What then?
TR: Hey. Like, what am I gonna do???? TK ECHO: DO????)
GK: And you hear a voice that says:
SS (REVERB): You're going to go to law school, Brent. Not a good law school, but one for dummies. You'll graduate with a C-minus average and get a job in lower management and sit at a computer terminal in a gray office and read mortgage contracts all day -
TR: All day!!?????
SS (REVERB): But you'll be in a sort of stupor and the time will pass very quickly indeed -
TR: Oh. Cool.
SS (REVERB): - and before you know it, you'll be looking at a birthday cake with forty candles -
(OFF-KEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG, SLOW, UNDER)
TR: Forty!!!! (WHISPERS) Forty???
SS (REVERB): Forty.
TR: (WEAKLY) Forty ...
GK: What happens to you at the age of forty, young people? Do you really want to know?
TR: I don't know.
GK: Let's ask geriatrics specialist, Dr. H. Newton Libby. (BRIDGE)
TR (DOCTOR): First of all, you're fifty pounds overweight, so you breathe hard whenever you climb stairs and you talk about dieting but you don't which is just as well because you're genetically programmed to look just like your parents. Your muscles have atrophied so you have the upper body strength of a homing pigeon. Your prostate is approximately the size of a breadbox. What does this mean? Well, let me tell you. It means that I hope you have a lot of nice memories. Unfortunately, thanks to steady consumption of alcohol, your brain capacity is about equal to that of a steelhead trout. I wouldn't think about changing jobs if I were you. You've got all you can handle just finding your way home at night and remembering to use your turn signals. And one more thing, Brent. You've got a daughter. She's eighteen.
SS: Hi, Dad. It's me. Angel. I'm, like, going to Mexico for awhile and chill. Here's the address where to send the money and stuff. See ya, Dad. Oh - this is Fred.
TK: Hey.
SS: Him and me are, like, gonna maybe go to L.A. first so if you start to see credit card slips from there, that's why, okay? Bye. And, Dad? Like, get rid of the suit, okay? That look was over a long time ago. Jeeze.
TR (DUDE): So that's what forty's like, huh? I had no idea.
SS (REVERB): By the time you figure out that your dad was pretty smart, you'll have a daughter to tell you how dumb you are. That's life, Brent. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
TK: Hey, you know what you need? you need an ankle ring.
TR: I donno.
TK: I'll just punch a hole right behind your Achilles tendon, whaddaya say? won't hurt at all. Okay?
TR: Whatever.
TK: You ready?
TR: Sure.
GK: And that's College Close-Up (THEME). Parents, if you were planning to drop in unannounced to visit your son or daughter in college - please, give at least a week's notice, and when you come, please don't park in front of the dorm. Park by the loading dock. And please remain in your vehicle. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor