(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: It's our Halloween weekend show, for Halloween the holiday everyone loves because it's so wrong. Everything about it is wrong. It's non-Christian, it's morbid, it exalts cruelty, the main tradition is a form of extortion, and compared to Labor Day or Thanksgiving, it's really weird. My next guest is a bat, an ordinary brown bat.
TR (SLIGHT OVERBITE, LIP LICKING, EXCESS SALIVA): Eptisicus fuscus. Yes, sir.
GK: Good to have you with us.
TR: Good to be here, and thanks for letting me hang here from your shirtsleeve. What kind of deodorant is that?
GK: It's made from guava and apricots.
TR: Mmmmm. Very tempting.
GK: Don't even think about it. So you're a mammal ...
TR: Yes, of course.
GK: You have fur ... you're warm-blooded ...
TR: Yes, yes ...
GK: You nurse your young...
TR: My wife does, yes.
GK: And you do a lot of good for human beings.
TR: Yes, indeed. Excuse me. (HE SHRIEKS) Pardon me. Just clearing my throat. That bug blood - (HE SHRIEKS). You have to clear the phlegm. Yes. We brown bats are like vacuum cleaners when it comes to mosquitoes. Why, I've got more bugs in my system than Windows 95. (HE SHRIEKS)
GK: Would you mind not doing that?
TR: Gotta clear this bug blood outta my throat. Otherwise you get bug blood buildup.
GK: Well, it's not a pleasant thing to hear ...
TR: Not a pleasant thing to feel, bug blood. Those big black bugs bleed blue-black blood and the big blonde bugs bleed blue.
GK: You don't think you might be coming down with a case of rabies?
TR: I don't think so.
GK: You're not running a fever?
TR: Is my forehead hot?
GK: I don't know. Do you feel hot?
TR: Put your finger on my forehead and see -
GK: No, thanks.
TR: You're afraid, aren't you. Afraid of bats.
GK: Yes, I am.
TR: That is exciting to me. Knowing that if I took off right now and flew around your head, I could probably make you scream, couldn't I?
GK: No, not scream.
TR: Crouch down and whimper?
GK: I don't know.
TR: I love whimpering. Maybe a shriek?
GK I don't think so.
TR: Let's see (ALAN'S BAT EFFECT, BAT FLYING THROUGH THE AUDIENCE. GK REACTION)
GK: I see we have a witch in our audience today.
TR (ARTS LADY): Yes, I am here representing the Wiccan community.
GK: So you are a witch.
TR (ARTS LADY): I prefer the term, "wise woman" or "seer".
GK: Of course, so would I, but I can't help noticing that your skin is green and you have a long pointy nose and a lot of warts.
TR (ARTS LADY): Well, I could point out a few things about your complexion, too!
GK: And you're wearing black ...
TR (ARTS LADY): I'm from Minneapolis.
GK: And you're holding a jar with some - what are those in there?
TR (ARTS LADY): These? These are frogs.
GK: You have frogs?
TR (ARTS LADY): I have four frogs.
GK: And were these frogs at one time princes?
TR (ARTS LADY): Those frogs were formerly known as princes, yes.
GK: Okay. And I see we have a druid too -
SS: That's right. (GENTLE DINGING OF A CHAIN OF BELLS OR CHIMES, AS SHE MOVES) I'm with the Order of Devoted Druids ...
GK: Do all Druids wear this many bells?
SS: These are praise bells, which we ding in praise of the Earth Mother in the Sacred Grove as a way of declaring our oneness with the cosmos.
GK: And what does that mean, specifically? Oneness with the cosmos?
SS: Specifically?
GK: Yes.
SS: It means that we make offerings so we may receive guidance as to the routes we should take in order to avoid major delays. In other words. Traffic is backed up right now going into the Lowry Hill tunnel.
GK: What sort of offerings?
SS: Mostly Milk Duds. Some licorice.
GK: Our next guest has a statement he wants to read -
TR (GHOUL, A SLOW TALKER, MONOTONE): My name ... is Otto ... P ... Schlafenmeister ... and I am ... the ... executive ...
GK: Executive director.
TR: ... director ... of O ... L ... D ... The ... Organization ... Of ... The ... Living ... Dead. I ... have ... here ...
GK: You have a statement you want to read, right?
TR: In ... my ...
GK: You have a statement to read!!
TR: Hands ...
GK: A statement you wish to read ...
TR: A ... statement ...
GK: A statement you want to read!!
TR: Passed ... unanimously ...
GK: Just read the statement ...
TR: By ... the ... executive ...
GK: The executive board of the O.L.D. ...
TR: Steering ...
GK: The executive steering committee of the O.L.D. ...
TR: Committee ...
GK: Of the O.L.D. the Organization of the Living Dead ...
TR: Of ... the ...
GK: O.L.D.
TR: O ...
GK: L.D.
TR: L ...
GK: D!!! D!!!!
TR: D ...
GK: The Organization of the Living Dead ...
TR: The ... Organization ...
GK: Of the Living Dead ...
TR: Of ... the ...
GK: Living Dead ... Say it. Living Dead.
TR: Living ...
GK: Dead. Dead.
TR: Dead ...
GK: We need to pick up the pace here, sir ...
TR: Which ... reads ...
GK: Otherwise, I'm going to have to hit you in the head with this shovel ...
TR: As ... follows ...
GK: Your head, looks a little fragile ...
TR: We ... the ...
GK: It's got a lot of mushy stuff leaking out ...
TR: Executive ...
GK: Your time is up, sir.
TR: Committee ... (GK SWING, AND WHOMP AND MUSHY HEAD BUSTS)
GK: Okay. Could we have a stagehand clean up this head, please? Thank you.
TK (VAMPIRE): I liked that. I hate zombies. They're so tired. They're dead on their feet. (HE CHORTLES AT OWN JOKE) Dead on their feet. I love it. - People think vampires have no humor. Not true!!!
GK: We're out of time.
TK (VAMPIRE): Anyway - speaking of doctors - the doctor recommended I eat more fruit. More Adam's apples. And nectarines. - Get it? nectarines. (CHORTLES)
GK: Got it.
TK: And afterward I had I Scream. (LITTLE SCREAM) With ladyfingers.
GK: Okay.
TK: I just got back from vacation. To Lake Erie. - Ask me: did you go alone?
GK: Did you go alone?
TK: No, I took my dog with me. (WHISPER) You say, "Oh, I didn't know you had a dog."
GK: Oh, I didn't know you had a dog.
TK: Yes, a bloodhound!! (WHISPER) You say: how was your trip?
GK: How was the trip?
TK: Beautiful! I met the ghoul of my dreams. She was a witch. But her broom was slippery and she flew off the handle. (HE CHORTLES)
GK: Thank you, sir.
TK: She was terrible. She liked to put poison in people's corn flakes. Yes, she was a cereal killer. (HE LAUGHS HARD) Cereal killer ...
GK: Thank you.
TK: Did you know that some Holsteins are vampires too.
GK: No, I didn't.
TK: Yes, ever so often you get a hamburger that bites back! (HE LAUGHS)
GK: Thank you.
TK (SINGS): Fangs ... for the Memory! (HE BLOWS KISSES AND EXITS)
BAND PLAYOFF
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor