(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
Tonight's show is also brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. The kids apparently have left town and gone somewhere, so the police no longer patrol our block every night looking for them. That ugly brown growth on my shoulder that I was afraid was skin cancer turned out to be a refried bean. And Sunday night, watching the Oscars, I fell asleep during the first nominated song and didn't wake up until Harvey Weinstein was thanking his wife and family for the Best Picture award.
We should've been happy. And then I heard Jim, weeping into his popcorn. Jim, what's wrong?
TR: We didn't see a single one of the nominated movies this year, Barb. Why not? What's wrong? The last movie we saw in a theater was Porky's III.
SS: We've been busy with family therapy, Jim. We had to deal with Kimberly and Jeff's repressed childhood memories. We didn't have the strength to sit through the invasion of Normandy.
TR: What about "Shakespeare In Love"?
SS: You told me years ago, honey, you couldn't bear to see one more American actor attempt an English accent.
TR: What about "Life Is Beautiful"?
SS: Remember the last heartwarming movie we went to - you told me, you said, "Barb, if I see one more movie in which people chuckle their way through the horrors of life, I'll put out my eyes with hot wiener sticks." Those were your exact words.
TR: But we need drama in our lives, Barb - we need comedy -
SS: For drama, we have the kids. For comedy, we have our sex life. What we need is ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help fight feelings of envy and depression. It's nature's Prozac.
TR: Maybe we could go out and see a foreign movie -
SS: Oh, Jim. You don't need subtitles when you've got me. Let's have some crackers instead. With ketchup.
RD: These are the good years, in the golden sun,GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
A new day is dawning, a new life has begun ...
The river flowing, like ketchup on a bun.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor