(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: I am pretty sure I see a familiar face down here in the audience - if I can just - excuse me, ma'am - sorry -
SS (OFF): Well, step on my foot, wouldja -
GK: Sorry, did I step on your foot?
SS: Yes, you did and you're not what I'd call light either -
GK: I'm terribly sorry, I was just trying to talk to this man over on the other side of you -
SS: The least you could do is say, Excuse me -
GK: I'm sorry -
SS: You go barging right in here like you owned the place -
GK: I apologize -
SS: I paid good money for this seat. That doesn't give you the right to walk all over me.
GK: Okay, okay - sitting down here in the fourth row of the theater -
TR (JESSE): Hi. How ya doin?
GK: It's the Governor of Minnesota.
TR (JESSE): Darn good to be here. You need to make your seats wider, though.
GK: I saw the reflection on your head and I thought, that's gotta be him.
TR (JESSE): Yah, I thought I'd drop by, I heard that your show wasn't doing so well, so I thought maybe I'd come help you out -
GK: The show's doing great, Governor, but thanks -
TR (JESSE): Oh, I heard your book wasn't selling well, so I come over to try to help out ... give you a little publicity ...
GK: Very kind of you. So you were out in Hollywood for the Academy Awards.
TR (JESSE): Went to Hollywood, went to a lot of pool parties, got a nice scalp tan, it was beautiful. I love it there.
GK: That's great.
TR (JESSE): I'm kind of a Hollywood type of guy. I can dress the way I like out there, you know? Bikini briefs in kind of a day-glo tangerine, and a chiffon wrap and a headdress three feet high made of snowy egret feathers. You can't do that in St. Paul. The media would be all over you. Yeah, I was a big hit out there in Hollywood. People really appreciate me there. They don't come up to me and bitch about the schools and stuff. I feel more relaxed out there, just hanging by the pool with all the beautifu l blondes and their bottles of Evian water. Had a great time.
GK: Great.
TR (JESSE): I was sort of surprised. I thought people in Hollywood might ask me about you, but nobody did.
GK: Is that right?
TR (JESSE): Your name never came up. I was surprised. Not a mention.
GK: Anyway, the Governor is here because he decided that our feud had gone on long enough.
TR (JESSE): Yah, Carson called up the office and they put him on hold for about fifteen minutes but he waited, because he was desperate, and he asked me to come to the show, and I figured, heck, why not -
GK: Actually, someone from your office called up and asked for tickets, Governor.
TR (JESSE): Well, it doesn't matter - here I am and I just want to shake hands -
GK: Fine. I'm glad you wanted to come -
TR (JESSE): I can sure understand your wanting me to be here, given your ratings problems ...
GK: Anyway, our feud is over and no hard feelings -
TR (JESSE): Exactly. I mean, why would I want to pick a fight with a guy who's ten years older than me?
GK: Eight years, actually.
SS: HEY! You make a better door than a window, okay? Shut up and sit down, both of you, or I'll sit you down. I'm not kidding.
GK: I was just interviewing the Governor -
SS: I don't care if you were straightening your undies - get out of the way -
TR (JESSE): Ya know, ma'am, if you'd just show a little courtesy here -
SS: Listen, Wide Ride, I don't know if that big pink thing is your head or your butt but whatever it is, park it where I don't have to look at it!
TR (JESSE): Ya know, it wouldn't hurt you to show some respect -
SS: I mean, look at you. You got the IQ of a salad bar. You must've gotten thrown into too many turnbuckles, Governor. You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
GK: Ma'am -
TR (JESSE): Ya know, if you'd just settle down -
SS: Don't strain yourself trying to form sentences, Governor. Just grunt. And one more thing --- maybe you oughta have your sleeves lengthened so we can tie 'em behind your back if we need to.
GK: Ma'am, there's no reason to -
SS: And as for you, Radio Boy, you've got Cheese-Whiz for brains and the personality of a turtle on Valium.
TR (JESSE): Okay, okay, we get your point.
SS: Good. Now sit down and do the show, that's what we paid to come here and see,
GK: Sorry to upset you, ma'am.
SS: I'm not upset. I mean business. I'm an eighth-grade English teacher and after you've handled eight-graders, a couple of water buffalo like you are no problem, so - go ahead, and make my day. C'mon! Let's see it! C'mon. Show me your move. Let's see it. (SHE FADES) C'mon. Take a swing. Go ahead. Let me see you do it. What you waiting for? C'mon -
(GK SEGUES INTO INTRODUCING SHOE BAND FEATURE)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor