(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC CHORD)
GK: Men, has this ever happened to you? You come home from work -
TR: Hi, what's for supper?
SS: How would I know? Is this a restaurant? Is there a sign on my head that says "chef"?
TR: (PAUSE, BEAT) Is something wrong?
SS: I'm going out for dinner with some friends of mine, Sidney.
TR: Anybody I know?
SS: Frankly, I doubt it. (SOUR CHORD) They're people who enjoy life, who make me feel alive - more alive than I've felt in years.
TR: (REVERB, INNER VOICE) What's wrong with me that the woman I love no longer enjoys my company?
GK: The problem could be your brain, Fred.
TR: My brain? But I went to college! I graduated with a 3.6 grade point average in chemical engineering! (CHORD)
GK: College only trained you for a career, Fred. It taught you how to keep an intelligent expression on your face even though you had no idea what people were talking about. College can't make you attractive to women.
TR: What do women find attractive?
GK: Women are fascinated by a certain raw intensity (BASS STRING WITH BUZZ) that either a man has it -
SS: He's so - intense! (BASS STRING WITH BUZZ)
GK: Or you don't have it -
SS: Oh. Hi. When did you come in? (OFF-KEY BASS NOTE)
TR: How can I have that - that - you know -
GK: How can you have that raw intensity? (BASS STRING WITH BUZZ) Some people get it from spending a year in Tuscany or taking up transcendental meditation, but you, Fred, you're one who may need brain surgery. From a state-licensed brain surgeon.
TR: Isn't that awfully expensive?
GK: It used to be, but at MinneMed, we've brought costs down. MinneMed is the largest health services provider in the Midwest, and during our spring surgery sale, brain implants are only $139.95.
TR: Wow.
GK: Room and tax not included.
TR: Will my personality change as a result of my surgery?
GK: Of course. Your brain will be supplemented with stem cells grown from an appendix removed from the Academy Award-winning Italian actor Roberto Benigni.
TR: Does that mean I'll be an actor?
GK: No, you'll be able to continue in your present position. But you'll gain an intensity that women admire and that isn't found in the DNA of Minnesotans.
TR: The surgeons who perform the operation - are they -
GK: Are they trained? Absolutely. Each of them has a degree and is completely certified. (MUSIC)
TK: (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS, BIG SNEEZE) Sorry. Didn't get any on you, did I?
SS: No -
TK: Boy, the human brain is sure bigger than a cat's or a dog's, isn't it.
SS: That's for sure. You gonna drill there?
TK: Isn't that the right side?
SS: No, I think it's over here.
TK: Oh. You're right. The diagram was upside down. (POWER DRILL START AND STOP)
SS: You done already?
TK: No. I gotta get part of the whatchamacallit too.
SS: The what? The cerebellum?
TK: Right. (POWER DRILL REVS UP, DRILLING)
SS: Great. - And over there too. - Hey, wait! No! No! Stop!
TK: (DRILLING STOPS) What's the matter?
SS: Isn't that the part of the nerve cortex that controls the - oh well, never mind. (MUSIC)
GK: The very next night -
TR: (ITALIAN, HIGH PITCH)
SS: Oh Fred - you're like a different person -
TR: (ITALIAN) I'm sorry - I'm so excited - this is the most wonderful night of my life - thank you! thank you! thank you!
SS: Oh, Darling -
TR: (ITALIAN) I love you, my darling! Light of my life! (ITALIAN HIGH PITCH)
(MUSIC SWELLS)
SS: Oh Fred!
GK: Call MinneMed. Price is good only through the end of April. Not valid if accompanied by attorney.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor