(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
Tonight's show is brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. The kids' arrest records have been sealed. I discovered that what I thought was kidney stones was just the sharp edge of a rivet on my jeans. My blowhard brother-in-law lost ten grand he invested in a company called Luau Pizza. Pizza with pineapple on it. Meanwhile, Barb and I gained some extra income when the therapist our daughter sends her dog to reduced the sessions to twice a week after the dog went mute. So I was feeling wonderful. And then late one night - at midnight - Barb, why are you going around the house in your underwear?
SS: It's not underwear. It's my new bikini.
TR: And the thermostat - it's set at 85.
SS: Nice, isn't it?
TR: Barb, ever since Christmas you've been sitting around the house eating Chinese chicken salad, drinking Evian water, and working on a screenplay.
SS: Let's do lunch, Jim.
TR: Barb - you've been watching Beverly Hills 90210, haven't you?
SS: How can you tell?
TR: That violet mascara, for one thing. The collagen in your lower lip. Barb - Barb - can't you see what you're doing? You've escaped into a fantasy world. California.
SS: Fantasy is better that no life at all, Jim.
TR: But Barb -
SS: Jim, last year for Valentine's Day, you bought us His 'N Hers Weed Whackers.
TR: What do you want???
SS: I want romance. You used to read me poetry and scatter the bed with rose petals ...
TR: Those weren't rose petals. It was Kleenex. The floral scented kind. And what I was reading was the sports page.
SS: I must've been asleep. The story of my life -
TR: You need more ketchup, Barb. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help people cope with life's little crises.
SS: Maybe you're right.
TR: C'mon. Let me rustle you up some scrambled eggs and bacon. With ketchup.
SS: I feel better already.
RD: Rocky mountain sunset, in the redwood grove,
Sharing our memories, round the old woodstove,
Red clouds at evening, like ketchup on meat loaf.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor