(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC)
GK: Men, has this ever happened to you? You go out on a blind date -
TR: Hi, are you Elaine?
SS: Are you Sidney?
TR: Yes, I am.
SS: Then I'm not Elaine. Actually. (SOUR GUITAR CHORD)
TR: Would you like to dance anyway?
SS: I can't. I have to go home and wash out my socks. (MORE SOUR CHORD)
TR: (REVERB, INNER VOICE) What's wrong with me that women take one look and turn away? (CHORD)
GK: The problem could be your brain.
TR: My brain? But I went to college! (CHORD)
GK: College only prepared you for a career sitting in a small room reading incomprehensible stuff and not being bored. College can't make you interesting to women.
TR: What do women find interesting?
GK: Women are fascinated by a certain carefree quality that either a man has it -
SS: He is so now and, like, here - you know?
GK: Or you don't have it -
SS: Oh. Hi.
TR: How can I have it?
GK: To be truly carefree, you need brain surgery. From a certified brain surgeon.
TR: Isn't that expensive?
GK: It used to be, but at MinneMed, we've brought costs down. MinneMed is the largest health services provider in the Midwest, and during our mid-winter surgery sale, frontal lobotomies are only $35.95.
TR: Wow.
GK: Room and tax not included.
TR: Will my personality change as a result of my surgery?
GK: Of course.
TR: Will my hair grow back?
GK: Right away.
TR: Will I experience memory loss?
GK: Only unpleasant memories of failure and embarrassment. A few days later (MUSIC)
TK: (CLINK OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS) Is he asleep yet?
SS: Looks asleep.
TK: Well, I guess we'll know in a moment. (POWER DRILL START AND STOP) Say, when it says "right side of the brain," does it mean his right or our right?
SS: His right, I think.
TK: Right. (POWER DRILL REVS UP, DRILLING)
SS: Sure is a lot of gunk in there.
TK: Suction ...
SS: Suction. (MUSIC)
GK: The very next night at the dance -
TR: Elaine?
SS: You're Sidney, aren't you -
TR: How did you know?
SS: I don't know. It was just something about you. You look just the way I imagined you'd look.
TR: Carefree?
SS: Yes! (LATIN DANCE TUNE)
TR: Let's dance!
SS: Why not!!
TR: Oh wow -
GK: During February, low low prices on brain surgery only at MinneMed. Side effects may include vagueness and indecision. Not valid if accompanied by attorney.
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor