(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The kids are grown and we gave away their cats and we replaced the sofa. And our dream of one day seeing a professional wrestler in the governor's mansion has finally come true. We've got every reason in the world to be happy. But the other night, I found Barb sitting at the kitchen table, staring off into space, tears welling in her eyes.
SS: I'm okay, Jim. Don't worry about me. For someone of my age and body type, I'm doing all right.
TR: What's wrong, honey?
SS: I've been feeling so unattractive lately.
TR: That's crazy. You're incredibly attractive, Barb. That's why my voice is as deep as it is. Because of lust.
SS: I went to the drugstore today and they offered me the senior discount!
TR: Oh? (THEN) How big a discount?
SS: I don't know! Who cares! It's depressing. And then I meant to decorate the house for Halloween like it said in Martha Stewart Living and dye the cat black and spin my own cobwebs and make candy from scratch - and I just pooped out. I went upstairs and took massive doses of estrogen and now I'm going to - I don't know - call up Dr. Laura's call-in show and pour my heart out and have her slap me around for awhile.
TR: No, Barb. Don't call Dr. Laura. The problem is me, Barb. I've been so darn busy with my brother's campaign for the legislature - It's time you and I spent some quality time together.
SS: Oh, Jim -
TR: We need to share. To be open with each other. To be intimate again. And to enjoy ketchup together.
SS: I almost forgot about ketchup -
TR: Everyone knows that ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help ease a person through life's challenging stages.
SS: I don't know why I didn't think of that. And here, all week long, I've been snacking on those extra chocolate bars we wound up with because the kids didn't come trick-or-treating because the dog was loose in the front yard.
TR: Let's get some chips and a big bowl of ketchup and let's talk, Barb.
SS: Oh, Jim - (MUSIC)
RD: These are the good years, in the golden sun. A new day is dawning. A new life has begun. The river flowing, like ketchup on a bun.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor