(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: After years of clawing your way to the top and doing ugly little things you don't like to think about, you've finally reached the peak of your profession. You're hauling down a salary the size of the gross national product of a third-world country. You're surrounded by underlings fawning over you and your PR people have convinced everyone that you're a genius and a living legend. Your only problem? (CHORD OF DOOM) Embarrassing parents. (SAX BLAT)
TR DAD: Yeah, it's gonna be a cold one tonight. They say it'll get down to twenty or so.
SS MOM: Izzat right?
TR: Yeah, that's what they say. Hey, where's that supper? I thought you was going to make supper.
SS: I thought we were going out to Burger King.
TR: What do you think I am? Made of money or what?
GK: (QUIET TASTEFUL MUSIC) While you were rising in the world, your mother and dad were staying right where they always were, in front of the TV watching reruns and eating up a storm, and now that you're rich and powerful and you're scooping up small companies and sucking the blood out of them, it might be nice to humanize your public image by hanging around your parents, but do you really want the world to see these guys?
TR: Who? Darrell? Darrell - Oh, you mean Stinky. We always called him Stinky.
SS: Cause he had such a big beezer.
TR: Had a nose the size of a zucchini. Guess he had it operated on a few years ago. But boy -
SS: What a honker.
TR: How'd he get the name Stinky anyway?
SS: You mean our Darrell?
TR: Who else would I be talking about???
SS: Well, ya don't need to shout.
TR: I'll shout if I want to.
SS: You got so mean since you went on that medication.
TR: What are you talking about???
GK: (QUIET TASTEFUL MUSIC) Don't you deserve parents who reflect your taste? You can have them through Prestige Parents. Whether you want them for an evening, a weekend, or by the month, you can have the parents of your dreams through Prestige. Elderly but youthful Episcopalians from Minneapolis - Dad with handsome white hair, in a houndstooth jacket and slacks, with a pipe -
TR: I remember when Darrell was away at boarding school, he used to write us letters in blank verse - he was so inventive, so witty, for a twelve-year-old.
GK: And Mom, cheerful, spry, in her blue wool suit and Oxfords ...
SS: And don't you remember, Bertram, how he begged us to buy him the Oxford English Dictionary ... unabridged.
GK: You've got everything else you always wanted. Now it's time to get the right parents. Through Prestige Parents.
TR: Good of you to invite us, my boy.
SS: Darling, your home is beautiful -
TR: Hello! Who's this - ?
SS: Hello, I'm Darrell's mother, Sally.
GK: Reserve now for the holidays. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor