(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Time now for Famous Celebrities, (THEME) brought to you by BarLan, a division of MarCom. Election Day coming on the heels of Halloween, a big week, and here in Minnesota, somebody who was dressed up for Halloween got elected governor. Let's get some reactions now from some of our famous people - Mr. President, it seemed like a pretty good week for you.
CLINTON: Well, yes, it was, and I believe the American people made it clear that they're tired of politics and they want Congress to get busy doing what's right and passing my programs.
GK: Sounds good. How was your Halloween, sir?
CLINTON: I spent Halloween as I spend every day, doing the job that the American people sent me here to do, trying to promote peace in the world and greater understanding and trust and friendship, and then in the evening, I put on my Halloween costume.
GK: Who did you dress up as, Mr. President?
CLINTON: I'd rather not say. It's too personal.
GK: These personal things always come out eventually, sir.
CLINTON: I think the dignity of my office demands that I -
GK: You should have learned that by now, Mr. President -
CLINTON: I think that the President's Halloween costume is a personal matter.
GK: You know, when you don't disclose, you're only postponing the agony, Mr. President.
CLINTON: I think we need to move on.
GK: You stonewall a question and people are just going to keep asking it.
CLINTON: I really would rather not comment on that.
GK: Full disclosure is the only sensible policy, Mr. President.
CLINTON: I've said all I care to say about that.
GK: You try to cover up your Halloween costume and the press is just going to keep after you.
CLINTON: I'm not going to answer that question.
GK: You are going to have to answer that question sooner or later.
CLINTON: I have nothing to say to that question.
GK: Did you dress up as Goofy?
CLINTON: I've said all I'm going to say about that.
GK: Did you dress up as Elvis?
CLINTON: I think the American people have made it clear -
GK: Did you dress up as Winnie the Pooh?
CLINTON: I'd rather not say.
GK: Did you dress up as Jesse (The Body) Ventura? (PAUSE)
CLINTON: You saw me coming out the door, didn't you.
GK: I didn't.
CLINTON: You've been talking to the Secret Service.
GK: It was just a wild guess.
CLINTON: Did Hillary tell you?
GK: No, but I did notice that your head is shaved, Mr. President. And you're wearing green shades and a buckskin jacket and leather pants and a sweatshirt that says, "I Am On Your Trail And Sooner Or Later You're Gonna Have To Sleep".
CLINTON: How does it look?
GK: It looks great on you. And the earring too.
CLINTON: Does it look good? It feels good.
GK: It looks great.
CLINTON: I think I've felt other people's pain long enough. I think it's time I caused some pain and kicked some fanny.
GK: Okay. Good luck. Mister Speaker, Newt Gingrich, this has been a big week for you.
GINGRICH: That is correct. I decided for the good of the Republican majority, whom I dearly love and regard as my extended family, to step aside as Speaker of the House and resign my seat in Congress and Marianne and I are going to go to Japan for six months and I am going to train as a sumo wrestler. (newT MAKES SOME JAPANESE CRIES)
GK: You're going to become a sumo wrestler?
GINGRICH: I am going to put on that big diaper and grow my hair in a braid and toss salt over my shoulder and kick some butt. (MORE JAPANESE CRIES)
GK: Well, good luck.
GINGRICH: You can call me Newt (The Suit) Gingrich. (MORE JAPANESE CRIES)
GK: Good luck, Mr. Gingrich. Bob Dole? How was Election Day for you?
DOLE: Bob (The Body) Dole.
DOLE: Bob (The Body) Dole is going to run for President in 2000 and Bob (The Body) Dole is going to break the legs of everybody who stands in his way, make no mistake about it.
GK: Okay. Good luck. Mr. Kissinger, how was your week?
KISSINGER: That's Henry (The Crusher) Kissinger to you, meathead.
KISSINGER: Don't let it happen again.
GK: This is getting out of hand. How about you, Julia Child? Did you have a good Halloween?
JULIA: Oh, my - I had a simply scrumptious Halloween. Jesse and I spent it together. What a guy! He gave me this wonderful recipe. All you do is take a loin of prime beef and marinate it in a gallon of bourbon for five hours and then discard the beef, and bon voyage! Whoooo!
GK: Thanks, Julia. Ted Koppel?
KOPPEL: That's Ted (The Head) Koppel to you, birdbrain.
GK: Oh, give me a break. Mr. Rogers, how was your Halloween?
ROGERS: Would you like to know what I did on Halloween? Would you? Well, I'll tell you. I locked myself in my closet. Yes, I did. When I was a child, Mother used to lock me in the closet. But Mother's gone now, so I have to do it myself. But I like it in there. Yes, I do. I like to pretend that I'm a professional wrestler, and I'm fighting Mr. Overcoat, and I pick up the umbrella and I beat him to pieces, and then I run for governor. Yes, I do.
GK: Thank you, Mr. Rogers. That's it, for Famous Celebrities. (THEME) Brought to you by BarLan, a division of MarCom.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor