(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: My next guests are two vampires who are in St. Paul for Halloween.
TR (VAMP): We are here for BLOOD!!!
TK (VAMP): Blood!!!
TR (vamp): Show us the blood!!! (HEINOUS VAMPIRE LAUGHTER)
GK: Okay, cut it out.
TR (VAMP): Exactly!!! Cut it out!!
TK (VAMP): Cut out the heart!
TR (VAMP): And we will eat it!
TK (VAMP): For the blood! (HEINOUS VAMPIRE HOWLS)
GK: Okay. Settle down. You're getting saliva all over the floor. (THEY SUBSIDE, FROM HOWLING TO SLIGHT SLURPING AND GROANING) Look at you. For people who've been alive for thousands of years, you sure are immature. Can you think of nothing but blood? (THEY WHISPER THE WORD, OVER AND OVER) Aren't you interested in music?
TR (VAMP): Nine Inch Nails!
TK (VAMP): The Grateful Dead!
TR (VAMP): Ozzy Osbourne!
TK (VAMP): Marilyn Manson!
TR (VAMP): Bob Dylan!
TK (VAMP): Blood On The Tracks!
GK: Never mind. You know, there are treatment programs for guys like you. That could break this obsession and enable you to enjoy normal lives, raise families -
TR (VAMP): Oh, I love children. Especially Type O's! (EVIL LAUGH)
GK: You could have jobs, you could work for a living instead of lying around all day in a cellar -
TK (VAMP): What!! Work in an office? With sunlight? (VAMPIRE PAIN)
GK: You know something? I don't think you guys are vampires.
TR (VAMP): Me? Not a vampire!! (LAUGH) Who else would talk like this except a vampire??
GK: What do you say we give you a taste test and find out?
TR (VAMP): What? A taste of what?
GK: Here are two glasses - one is blood (VAMPIRES WHISPER WORD) and the other is ketchup. (VAMPIRES WHISPER WORD) See if you can tell the difference. (VAMPIRES WHISPERING. SNIFFING. THEN SUDDEN SLURPING AND SMACKING OF LIPS. SPITTING. PAUSE. THEN ANOTHER ROUND OF SLURPING AND SMACKING.)
TR (VAMP): This is blood!!! Blood!!
TK (VAMP): Blood!!!
TR (VAMP): Fresh blood!!!
TK (VAMP): And no clots, either! Yum!
TK (VAMP): I love it! Blood! (VAMPIRE HOWLS, WHICH GRADUALLY DIE DOWN. PAUSE)
GK: Wrong.
TR (VAMP): Not blood?
TK (VAMP): How could this be -
GK: It is.
TR (VAMP): Ketchup?
TK (VAMP): Ketchup ... I thought it was blood.
GK: Ketchup.
TR (VAMP): I'm so embarrassed.
TK (VAMP): I'm ashamed.
TR (VAMP): I could go crawl into my crypt right now.
TK (VAMP): I wish someone would pound a stake in my heart.
GK: Take off the capes, guys.
TK (VAMP): No! This cape is part of me. It's like my skin.
TR (VAMP): Not the capes. Please!!!
TK (VAMP): Please ... (RIPPING)
TR (VAMP): Our capes. Gone ...
GK: And the fangs - take em off. (TWO POPS, THEN TWO MORE POPS) Good. And the greasy hair. Here's some shampoo. (SQUIRTS) And some hot water. (SHOWER) Okay. Rinse. (SHOWER) And under the dryer. (DRYER) Okay? You look completely different.
TR (VAMP): I feel strange.
TK (VAMP): Me, too. My hair.
TR (VAMP): If I'm not a vampire, then who am I?
GK: It's really a blow to your self-image, isn't it.
TR (VAMP): Thousands of years I've been running around at night and suddenly turning into a bat. (GASP) I never looked at myself in a mirror before. Look at my pale skin. My ruby red lips. My Sam Donaldson eyebrows. And you say I'm not a vampire?
GK: Some people say that the hunger for blood is the result of a nutritional imbalance.
TR (VAMP): What??????
GK: They recommend melatonin. Along with broccoli and garlic.
TK (VAMP): Garlic!!!! No!!!! Not garlic!!!!
GK: But there's more evidence to show that what you have is a sort of bipolar disorder.
TR (VAMP): Bipolar? I've never been there!
GK: You vampires swing back and forth between your nocturnal self, when you're elated, and your daylight self when you lie in the crypt.
TR (VAMP): And you think that we could integrate these personalities?
GK: I think Prozac could help. Zoloft. There are a number of different anti-depressants.
TR (VAMP): I never thought of that.
TK (VAMP): We never thought to ask for help.
GK: A combination of medication and therapy can do the trick for you.
TR (VAMP): But what can we do about these fruity accents?
GK: A speech therapist can help.
SS: Repeat after me. The blue black bug bled blue black blood.
TR (VAMP): The blue black bug bled blue black blood.
SS: Again.
TK (VAMP): The blue black bug bled blue black blood.
GK: It takes time, but most vampires can be helped to lead a normal productive life. Look at Bill Gates. Rupert Murdoch. Martha Stewart. Tonight, Halloween, thousands of recovering vampires will be going door to door to ask for your support. (DOORBELL)
TK (VAMP): Good evening. We are here from the Transylvanian Bipolar Relief Fund.
TR (VAMP): May we come in, please?
GK: Please. Be generous.
TR (VAMP): The blood you save may be your own. (MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor