(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: This week was a tremendously fertile and productive and rewarding week for our show, speaking of harvest. We went down to Washington this week to watch Congress pass the omnibus spending bill, an amazing event - $500 billion negotiated by about ten people behind the scenes, written up in a bill that was so long and complicated that nobody read it and it was passed after one hour of debate in the House and - who can say how it happened exactly, but A Prairie Home Companion got $30 million - (BAND FANFARE) a pretty good day for us, seeing as we hadn't asked for a nickle - but there you are -
SS: Thirty million dollars! Is that for you personally?
GK: No, it goes to the Northern Radio Readiness Project, which I am the commander of.
SS: The commander?
GK: Congress also made me a major general.
SS: You.
GK: It was a big week in Washington.
SS: I can imagine.
GK: The Northern Radio Readiness Project is a program to maintain a high state of alert among communications personnel. It's to create readiness.
SS: Readiness for what?
GK: For anything. That's the beauty of it. It's a program that sets its own goals. I only went down to Washington to see what was going on - (SFX BED: CROWD...) the Capitol was unbelievably crowded - (PEOPLE SHOVING, PRESSING FORWARD - CRIES OF "SENATOR LOTT!" AND "OVER HERE, SENATOR" ETC. ETC.) - there were farm lobbyists and people from the fishing industry and frozen chicken industry and construction and trucking people and duck hunters and - excuse me, didn't mean to step on your foot.
TR (SOUTHERN): That's quite all right.
GK: You here to get something in the bill?
TR (SOUTHERN): We're from the National Duck Decoy Museum in Pascagoula, Mississippi. Looking to expand our parking lot. We get two to three hundred visitors a day in there and we only got thirty spaces for cars!
GK: Okay, well good luck.
TK: SENATOR, DON'T FORGET THE CHICKEN PACKERS IN BILOXI!
GK: And how about you, sir?
TR: Beverly Hills Red Cross. We give tummy tucks to the needy.
GK: Good for you - (SFX BED: SHOUTING, ETC.) The crowd got more intense as we got closer to Senator Lott's door. (POUNDING ON DOOR) Ever so often, someone would stick his head out and yell a number. (TK: Forty-nine!) And another lobbyist would be admitted. (SURGE OF PEOPLE SHOUTING) It was like a meat market. Excuse me -
SS: You try to get in front of me, you're dead, mister. You got that?
GK: I'm not getting in front.
SS: I've got a sharpened pencil - I could shove this thing right through your throat.
GK: I'm not pushing. They're pushing behind me.
SS: I'm not talking to them. I'm talking to you.
GK: Who are you here for?
SS: Christians United for Tax Reform. We need money to build a chapel.
GK: Fine. Good luck to you. (MORE SHOUTING) It was an interesting crowd. (TK: Number Fifty!) People jammed together, waving signs - Sir?
TR: Yes -
GK: Your sign says: No More Porno in Prison -
TR: Yes, we're trying to get a prohibition of all R-rated or NC-17 rated motion pictures in our nation's penal institutions.
GK: I see.
TR: It just gives those men ideas.
GK: So you feel that felons should be limited to family movies.
TR: That's right.
GK: Like "Free Willie" and "Dr. Doolittle".
TR: It's a little extra punishment, yes.
GK: Okay. Good luck. (A new SURGE OF SHOUTING) The Speaker of the House came through the crowd (CRIES OF "MR. SPEAKER" AND "OVER HERE, MR. SPEAKER" AND "HEY newT") and he went in and all of the lobbyists tried to touch him, to grab his sleeve, to give him a pamphlet - excuse me, sorry -
SS (MINNESOTA): Oh that's quite all right. Quite a turnout today, isn't it.
GK: You're from back home, aren't you?
SS: Gladys Hokanson from Moorhead. Pleased t'meetcha.
GK: I didn't know that Minnesotans actually lobbied.
SS: I'm here with my church group. We're on a tour of Washington. It's been real interesting.
GK: Well, have a wonderful time, Gladys.
SS: Thank you. And by the way, I'm a real big fan of your show, too.
GK: Thank you.
SS: I love learning more about cars. And I like your brother too.
GK: Thanks. I'll be sure to tell him. (CRIES OF "WATCH YOUR BACK" AND "COMING THROUGH") And just then some food service workers pushed through, bringing lunch for the budget negotiators in the office - (TK: Excuse me, people! Coming through!) - and I somehow got caught between the dessert cart and the cheese tray and in I went (DOOR CLOSE, QUIET, FOOTSTEPS) and the next thing I knew I was standing in Senator Lott's office.
TR (LOTT): Yes?
GK: Senator Lott, I'm Carson Wyler, and somehow, I don't know how, I was -
TR (LOTT): You with the readiness project?
GK: Well, actually -
TR (LOTT): Readiness is a big priority of mine. We got you down for twenty million.
GK: Well, that's fine, but -
TR (LOTT): Okay, thirty million. Just give my administrative aide your details. Address and so forth.
GK: Okay. And thanks an awful lot.
TR (LOTT): That's all right. It's my job. That's what we're here for. (MUSIC)
GK: So we created the Northern Radio Readiness Project, and of the thirty million, we used $350,000 to buy this state-of-the-art digital screen and one-point-four million to purchase this helicopter (CHOPPER) so the folks here in the theater can enjoy an aerial view of downtown St. Paul during the show - the pilot is Fred Noonan - Fred, that's a good picture you're sending - (TR: UNINTELLIGIBLE TALK, HEAVY STATIC) - Okay. Thank you. We'll get back to you later. - We used about two-point-four million to acquire these beautiful porcelain vases that you see here on these handsome pedestals - we always wanted to have great art around our show, and now thanks to Congress we do. What is this vase here?
SS: This is a very special piece by Faberge, a very delicate vase in an underglaze blue, gilded, with a robin's egg motif carried out along the base.
GK: Can I pick this up?
SS: Oh, of course. Go right ahead. Just be sure that you take hold of it by the -
GK TAKE (CRASH OF PORCELAIN)
GK: What were you about to say? I'm terribly sorry.
SS: Oh well. These things happen, I guess.
GK: I'm terribly sorry. That was a valuable piece, wasn't it.
SS: I guess so. Forty thousand dollars.
GK: Forty thousand dollars. Oh, I can't believe I could be so dumb. So careless.
SS: Well. Maybe it can be glued back together. I see what we can do - Over here next to it, we have a baluster type vase, blue and white, decorated in overglaze enamels, the rim and foot decorated with a blue T pattern with manganese and yellow detailing, and this is from the time of the Mongol Dynasty in China, a very special piece - this is about a thousand years old.
GK: Isn't that amazing. A thousand years old and it's right here on this pedestal. It's just incredible that - (CRASH) I'm sorry. I can't believe I did that.
SS: I can't believe you did either.
GK: I'm sorry.
SS: I should hope so.
GK: I'm really sorry.
SS: You're really clumsy.
GK: I think the pedestal was a little tippy.
SS: It's a shame that people who come to this show aren't going to have the chance to see this -
GK: Well, I feel terrible too. I'm sorry. I don't think the pedestal was that secure.
SS: Maybe it would be better if you stood behind me.
GK: I didn't bump it, it just fell.
SS: Well, anyway - this is the, what you might call, Creme de la Creme of porcelain - this is an extremely rare Norwegian piece, a vase from the Royal Porcelain factory in Oslo from the time of Eric the Red -
GK: So this is from the Viking era.
SS: It's a very special piece. Worth about a million three-hundred thousand, but who knows really - it's priceless, actually. About eight hundred years old, made of bone china, which was made from the bones of Scotsmen who perished in the many Viking raids pillaging along the Scottish coast.
GK: Men died to make this vase.
SS: That's right. And so it's really quite interesting that the potter painted on the vase a scene of such idyllic pastoral charm -
GK: It's a Norwegian scene of a girl tending her sheep in the mountains.
SS: Actually, those are goats.
GK: These are sheep here.
SS: No, if you look closely, you'll see the horns.
GK: I don't think so.
SS: Look here. It's obvious.
GK: Maybe they're a different breed of sheep.
SS: They're a breed of sheep known as goats. Look.
GK: Where? You mean this one here - this is - (CRASH)
SS: You know, that was just plain uncalled-for.
GK: I'm sorry. Okay?
SS: You've destroyed an extremely valuable work of art.
GK: Well, there's a lot more money where that came from, thanks to the U.S. Congress and their generous grant this week to the Northern Radio Readiness Project. Thanks to all of you.
CHOIR: (to "Tanzen und Springen")
Wheelin and dealin, rockin and rollin,fa la la la, fa la la la, fa la la
Bust through the ceiling, bulging and swollen.
We wrote the budget, no one can touch it, we cut off debate.
Bye baby bunting, we go a-hunting
We've got a project in need of funding
Something extensive, very expensive, and here in my state.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor