(FOOTSTEPS ON WALK, TWO PAIR)
SS: The house looks different somehow, doesn't it -
TR: The front door - (CREAK, CRUNCH)
SS: And look inside - (BAT WINGS, CRIES) the place is full of bats!
TR: No wonder the real estate agent brought us in through the basement.
SS: And look up - (JET PASSES OVERHEAD)
TR: He said they never use that runway!
SS: Oh, Bob - if only we'd asked more questions!! (MUSIC TRANSITION TO...)
TR: Here's your work cubicle, Ferguson. Your computer terminal. Your telephone. And your shovel.
TK: Shovel, sir?
TR: You didn't know that the job involves the transfer of animal waste products?
TK: I thought I was in marketing.
TR: You are. And this is the stuff you're marketing.
TK: I wish you'd been more specific about that, sir. (MUSIC TRANSITION TO......)
GK: Here in the Midwest, we assume that other people want the best for us; we feel it's impolite to ask questions ...(THUNDER, LIGHTNING)
TR (DRACULA): Come in! I have been waiting for you!
SS (MINNESOTA): Oh, you shouldn't have done that. Nice cape. Real nice.
(MUSIC UNDER....)
GK: Politeness, modesty, high-mindedness - Midwestern trademarks. That's why, even though we've had plenty of powerful politicians come from here, we don't have big airbases - our politicians said -
TR (MINNESOTA): That's okay. Don't go to any trouble for us. We're just fine. You do whatever you think best.
GK: And that's how Minnesotans regularly get schnookered. And that's why you need an agent.
SS (MINNESOTA): Oh really?
GK: I know so. You need a New York agent. They're the ones who ask the questions.
TR (VINNIE): How much money we gonna get from this and when? And how come you got that shovel?
GK: A New York agent is essential for every Minnesotan over the age of 18. To negotiate with your parents -
TR (VINNIE): He's gonna need two hundred a week and that's on top of tuition and room. And two thou advance for clothing. Minimum. And a car.
GK: To work out your first job -
TR (VINNIE): I gotta see more than that two weeks' vacation. I'd like to see that improved. And the starting - I'm willing to come down to forty-two, but that's as far as I go.
GK: To buy your house -
TR (VINNIE): A hundred and twenty? We'll give you eighty grand. Ten down and the rest on contract for deed. And you put ten in escrow for that roof.
GK: To work out your marriage - to deal with your children - your health-care provider - your pension plan - your nursing home - and to negotiate aggressively in a way you couldn't:
TR (VINNIE): I'd like to see that number doubled. You got a problem with that? Huh?
SS (MINNESOTA): Ever since we got Vinnie working for us, everything has gone real good for Bob and me. We sure can't complain, that's for sure. He's made some real good deals.
GK: A message from the New York Agent Association, pronounced NYAA.
TR (VINNIE): Hey!
GK: What?
TR (VINNIE): The commercial isn't over yet. I promised her she could sing.
GK: Who?
TR (VINNIE): Her.
GK: Okay. Sing.
SS (SOPRANO): HIGH FAT LADY NOTE
GK: A message from the New York Agent Association.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor