(PIANO/VIOLIN/BASS THEME)
GK: There are days in October when the air is so rich and fragrant and the blue sky so luminous and the sunlight so golden that a person could fall in love as easily as you could walk into a tree.
TR: (HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH) I feel so alive, it's like finally my soul can breathe! -
GK: It's only the sun coming through the oak trees and the smell of dry leaves but it hits you like a revelation -
TR: In a world in which the sun comes through the oak trees like that, how can a man devote himself to the sale of municipal bonds?
GK: And the result is a bad career decision -
TR: I'm quitting my job to devote my life to the contemplation of beauty!
GK: But beauty is not a constant - beauty is always disappearing - such as in November, for example, and so you follow beauty south - (SFX, FEET ON GRAVEL) to Missouri and Texas, through Mexico and Central America (EXOTIC BIRDS), through the rain forests of Brazil (JUNGLE SOUNDS) and over the pampas of Argentina - you follow autumn, seeking that golden romantic light -
TR: The light - the trees - the luminous sky -
GK: And you come to the end of the continent (SURF, GULLS) and you sign aboard as a deckhand on a tramp freighter bound for Australia (SHIP HORN) and you arrive in Sydney in March, which is their October (SHIP HORN), and there, for five or six weeks, you're perfectly happy -
TR: Beautiful.
GK: And then, like everyone else who goes on an odyssey, you decide to write a book about it, and the book comes out, and it's ripped to shreds -
SS: A tedious display of self-absorption.
GK: And you go into a deep depression -
TR: I'm no good.
GK: And you wind up living in a tiny hotel room watching talk shows all day (TV AUDIO) and drinking beer (POP TOP CAN, AUDIO CONTINUE) and writing bitter letters to the editor - October is a dangerous month. Catastrophic romance can strike at any time. For every man, there is a cocktail waitress waiting around the corner, and for every woman, a disastrous dance instructor. (A SLIGHT SUGGESTION OF DANCE MUSIC UNDERNEATH, A LITTLE PERCUSSION)
SS: The way you hold me in the rhumba, Roberto - I've never felt this way before. You bring out a wildness in me I never knew was there.
TR (SPANISH): You are so beautiful, I envy all of the little third-graders in your classroom, Michelle. And when you rhumba ... you are like poetry.
SS: I don't think my husband Craig ever danced in his life. All he does is work late nights.
TR (SPANISH): So you don't need to go home right away and make his dinner?
SS: No. He'd never notice if I came home at two in the morning.
TR (SPANISH): Michelle, do you wish to join me in the tango?
SS: Ohhhhhhh. Be still, my pounding heart - (MUSIC UP)
GK: October. A perilous month. Make no major decisions on days when the sun is shining. Leave your credit cards at home. Only take busfare and lunch money. Don't talk to strangers. And give your children power of attorney. Because it's October, and when the light is right and the trees reach that certain color and the smell is in the air -
TR (MINNESOTAN): By George, one minute I was going around doing my pastoral work with the shut-ins and the next thing I know I'm on a plane to Caracas with a woman in a bright red dress who keeps calling me Snuggums. What in the heck am I supposed to do now?
GK: It's too late for him. He's going to have to find an apartment in Caracas and get a job and learn Luther's Small Catechism in Spanish. You - there's still time for you.
SS: Avoid eye contact with people on buses. Avoid the use of unusual hair gels or fragrances. Avoid days off - schedule yourself for overtime. And at the first signs of attraction, call the October Hotline. (RING AT OTHER END, PICKUP)-
TK (OTHER END): How can I help you?
SS: I've fallen for the mailman.
TK: Where are you right now?
SS: I'm lying in the front hall, under the mail slot, in a pink nightie.
TK: Can you get up off the floor?
SS: I don't know.
TK: Is anyone else at home?
SS: No. My husband is at work and my six kids are all at school.
TK: When does the mailman come?
SS: I can hear his footsteps now ...
TK: All right. I want you to stay calm.
SS: I'm trying.
TK: I want you to give yourself permission to go to a safe place.
SS: I don't know if I can -
TK: I want you to close your eyes and think of Mr. Rogers.
SS: Yes?
TK: Think of Mr. Rogers. What would he say?
SS: I don't know.
TR (MR ROGERS): The mailman is our friend. Isn't he? Yes, he is. But he's only a friend. And he's a very busy friend. He has a whole big bag full of letters to deliver to other people in the neighborhood, doesn't he.
SS: Okay. I'm okay now.
TK: Are you okay?
SS: I'm okay.
TK: We can have a counselor there in ten minutes.
SS: I'm fine. Thank you.
GK: It's October, a romantic month - if you're looking for that, fine - but otherwise - (CLANK OF HEAVY DOOR) stay indoors. (MUSIC BUTTON)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor