(GUY NOIR THEME & SONG)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those October days when the change in the weather makes your left knee ache and reminds you that you didn't have any place to go anyway. I was sitting at my desk, studying a food stain on my left pantleg, thinking, if only I bought a new suit, it would give me the confidence I need to go out and earn the money to pay for it.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS, PICK UP)
GK: Yeah? Noir here.
SS: (OLDER WOMAN AT OTHER END) Dr. Noir, I need your help.
GK: Pardon me?
SS: I've got heartburn like you wouldn't believe.
GK: Ma'am -
SS: I went over to my son's last night and my daughter-in-law served roast pork.
GK: Ma'am -
SS: I never shoulda touched it.
GK: Right.
SS: She puts so much garlic on everything.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: And it was pink. The meat was pink.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Pork isn't supposed to be pink, is it? Anyway, I need a prescription.
GK: Ma'am, I'm only a private eye.
SS: Is this Guy Noir, Gastroenterologist?
GK: No, ma'am. You've got the wrong Guy.
SS: Guy Noir. G.I.?
GK: That's P.I., ma'am. I'm a detective.
SS: Well, that's fine, but what do you recommend for this heartburn?
GK (DEFEATED SIGH): Try a bicarbonate of soda.
SS: (PAUSE) How do you spell that?
GK: Spell it the way it sounds.
SS: I'm hard of hearing.
GK: B-i-c-a-r-b
SS: Oh! Bicarbonate of soda! Why didn't you say so? Do you accept Medicare?
GK: No.
SS: You should. You'd get more patients that way.
GK: Bye. (HE HANGS UP PHONE)
GK: Maybe I ought to get an unlisted number. Nobody calls me anyway.
SFX: THE PHONE RINGS.
GK: Yeah. Noir here.
TK (OTHER END): Guy Noir?
GK: Yes.
TK: Guy Noir the detective?
GK: Right.
TK: I met you at a party about four years ago.
GK: Uh-huh.
TK: It was at the Lawrences. Or Larsons. I forget.
GK: Uh-huh.
TK: It was their daughter's graduation or something. I'm her godfather. The guy in the sportcoat.
GK: Right.
TK: You remember?
GK: No, of course not.
TK: You were wearing a navy blue suit with a big stain on it.
GK: Right. I remember.
TK: Anyways. At this party, you told me the funniest joke I ever heard in my life. It was great. I laughed so hard -
GK: What was it about?
TK: It was about a dog.
GK: A dog.
TK: It was a dog joke. I forget the rest of it.
GK: There's 10,000 different dog jokes, mister. Was it about a three-legged dog?
TK: No.
GK: A talking dog?
TK: No.
GK: A dog walks into a bar?
TK: No.
GK: A guy sends his dog to the grocery store for cigarettes?
TK: No.
GK: Listen, lemme think, and I'll call you back if I think of it. Okay?
TK: Okay. (HANG UP)
GK: Dog joke ... I don't know any dog jokes.
SFX: KNOCK
GK: Yeah. The door's open. Come in. (DOOR OPEN, SAXOPHONE)
GK (NARRATING): She stepped into my office, a gorgeous number with red hair and eyes to match. She had tears rolling down her cheeks the size of golf balls.
SS: I'm Amber, Mr. Noir. Amber DeVore. My fish is missing.
GK: What kind of fish?
SS: A goldfish. A very rare Chinese goldfish. Kevin was his name - I had him for four years - he was there for me through my divorce, my therapy, my re-marriage. Every time I needed emotional support.
GK: Four years is pretty old for a goldfish, if I'm not mistaken -
SS: When I came downstairs this morning, he was gone, tank and all. And there was this ransom note on the breakfast table.
GK: Let's see it. - "I've got your fish. If you want him back alive, leave $4679 in unmarked bills in the trash can at the corner of Wilson and Main. Don't call the police. If I don't get the money by 6 PM, your precious Kevin is going to take a one-way trip down the toilet."
SS BURSTS OUT SOBBING
GK: Easy, Ma'am. Let's calm down and go get a drink and think this over.
SS: But I don't drink.
GK: Good. Then I'll have yours too.
GK (NARRATING): I locked up the office and took her on over to the Five Spot.
(MUSIC BRIDGE, DOOR OPENS, JINGLES. FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey, Guy. What can I get you?
GK: Two bourbons, straight up, Jimmy. And a sarsaparilla for the little lady.
TR: Okay. Coming right up? (OFF) You care to try some of these delicious goldfish crackers.
(SS BURSTS OUT SOBBING AGAIN)
GK: Easy, easy. It's okay.
SS: What kind of monster would kidnap an innocent goldfish?
GK: Amber, I hate to say this, but the person who wrote that ransom note knew your fish's name - Kevin. The tank wasn't labelled "Kevin's Place," was it?
SS: No.
GK: You didn't have the filter personalized?
SS: No.
GK: Monogrammed rocks?
SS: No.
GK: Then it's got to be someone you know.
SS: But everyone I know loved Kevin.
GK: Let's see about that. (MUSIC) We drove out to her house, a little country cottage with a thatched roof and a stone wall and a couple dozen sheep in the front yard - (SHEEP) nice sheep.
SS: I got the idea from Martha Stewart Living. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: And the hand-woven door mat?
SS: Yes. And the door bell. (GLOCK PLAYS SIXTEEN BARS OF "IT"S A SMALL WORLD")
GK: Very nice. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hi, honey. I'm home.
GK(NARRATING): Her husband was in the living room, reading a seafood cookbook. Right away I was suspicious. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hi, Mr. Noir. I'm Todd.
TK TEEN: And I'm Timmy, her son from her first marriage.
GK: Pleased to meet you both.
TR: Come in and sit down, Mr. Noir.
GK: I'm here to ask a few questions. Amber tells me you both were very fond of Kevin.
TR: Yes. Of course. Loved the little fella. I didn't worship the water he swam in - like she did - but he was okay.
GK: I detect a note of jealousy, sir.
TR: Me? Jealous of a fish? (INSINCERE CHUCKLE) Hardly. I have a full, rich life, Mr. Noir. If my wife chooses to lavish her affection on a fish and neglect her family, that's up to her. It doesn't bother me.
SS: I had no idea you felt this way, Todd.
TR: She'd give the fish backrubs, if you can believe it. She fed him by hand, speck by speck. She once took him on all our vacations. Last spring we paid thousands for Kevin's emergency appendectomy.
GK: Did you kidnapped Kevin, Todd?
TR: No. If I'd wanted him gone, I could've left him on the lawn. Believe me, the thought occurred to me.
GK (NARRATING): Just then, I glanced at a travel brochure that Timmy was reading. - Timmy?
TK: Don't look at me. I'm just a kid.
GK: Dreaming of a trip to Hawaii, I see?
TK: No.
SS: You've been begging to go to Hawaii, Timmy. It's true.
GK: You begged your parents to go, but your mother said No. Am I right?
SS: That's true. We couldn't get a fishsitter for Kevin.
GK: And then you saw that brochure, Timmy.
TK: What brochure? (CRUMPLES UP PAPER)
GK: Seven days, six nights at the Waikalea Mumu Manor resort, including airfare, snorkeling, hula lessons, All-You-Can-Eat Big Kahuna Luau, and complimentary plastic lei, for $4679.
TR: The exact amount demanded in the ransom note.
GK: Is it true, Timmy?
TK: No! It's not. Maybe I did want to go to Hawaii, but I didn't take him.
GK: Kind of a big coincidence, isn't it. Unless -
SS: Unless what?
GK: Unless that's your computer and printer over there, Amber?
SS: Umm -
TR: That's your computer - you know it is.
GK: Because if I'm not mistaken, this ransom note was printed on that printer and it has a slight defect in the feeder that causes every sheet of paper to crumple slightly on the left side. You want me to test it, Amber?
SS: No. I wrote the note.
TK: You did??? Mom??
TR: I'm shocked, Amber.
SS: It was for the insurance. Kevin is of an extremely rare breed of goldfish and he's insured for three-quarters of a million dollars. I was going to collect the money and use it to send Timmy to Harvard.
TK: But my grades aren't good enough to get me in, Mom.
SS: For three-quarters of a million dollars, I can endow a place for you. (SHE WEEPS) I'm sorry. It was wrong. I know that now.
GK: Where is Kevin, Amber?
SS: He's in the basement. I put his tank under the stairs.
TR: Uh oh.
SS: What?
TR: I put the cat down the basement this morning and when she came up I noticed she had fish on her breath.
SS: Oh no.
TR: And she was still chewing on a little tail fin.
SS: Ohhh!
TR: A gold one.
SS: Well - I guess we collect on the insurance after all.
GK: Not so fast, Amber. Is this your insurance policy here? (PAPER)
SS: Yes. It is.
GK: Check out the fine print.
SS: What's that?
GK: They're not going to pay you. The policy has a cat clause. (DARK CHORD)
GK (NARRATING): I left Amber and Todd and Timmy to sit in their darkened home and sob into their hankies for awhile and I headed back to the Five Spot, where my bourbons were still sitting on the counter.
TR (JIMMY): Hi ya, Guy. You find the fishnapper?
GK: Yeah. It was Amber.
TR: Amber???? (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: I told him the whole story, fake ransom note, the cat, the fine print in the policy -
(MUSIC OUT)
TR: Wow. A $750,000 fish. Never knew there was such a thing.
GK: People are willing to pay incredible sums for things you wouldn't believe. Fifty grand for an authentic Chippendale chair so old the upholstery has all fallen to pieces. A hundred grand for a wine so old it's vinegar. Two hundred grand for a cup of coffee in the White House.
TR: Reminds me of the story of the man who asks fifty-thousand for the talking dog.
GK: I remember that joke. That's the joke the guy called me wanting to hear.
TR: Brings him into the bar and the bartender doesn't believe the dog can talk so the guy asks the dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"
GK: And the dog says, "Rough."
TR: And the guy asks the dog, what's the part of the house that has the chimney sticking out of it?
GK: Roof.
TR: And who was the great homerun hitter in the Twenties and Thirties?
GK: Ruth!
TR: And the bartender says, "You big fake, get that dog out of here." And the guy and his dog go outside and the dog says, "What was I supposed to say? Mel Ott?"
GK: This guy called me this morning wanting to know that joke. He'd been trying to remember it for years. Let me call him. (DIALS NUMBER. RING AT OTHER END)
SS (AT OTHER END): Hello?
GK: Hello, I'm calling about a - there was a guy at this number who called me this morning wanting to know a joke about a dog -
SS: There's no guy here.
GK: I told him a joke four years ago and he wanted to hear it.
SS: Who is this?
GK: Would you like to hear it? It's good.
(CLICK)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor