Tonight's show brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It was a good day at the office. After five years of slavery, you've finally gotten a small raise. (TR: Good work, Farnsworth. We're upping your salary a hundred bucks a month. TK: Oh, thank you, thank you, God bless you. My wife thanks you, my children thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.) You grovel at his feet and kiss his wingtips and then you head out the door
(TK: Whoopee! Whoopee!!!! WHOOPEE!!!) and you drive home and your wife is overjoyed (SS: You're the best, Fred. My prince.) and you take her out to dinner at the best restaurant in town, Le Gai Chardonnay. (TR FRENCH: Bon soir, madame, monsieur. This way please...) and he seats you at the bar and the bartender is a guy with big hair and rather talkative (TR: Hi, I'm Lance. I'm actually an actor. A singer-actor. Maybe you saw me in Death of a Salesman most recently. No? I played Biff. Got some reviews if you'd like to glance at them while you're waiting. Now I'm waiting for to hear about a musical I auditioned for. Do you like Stephen Sondheim? I'm just curious.) It's excruciatingly boring and to anesthetize yourself, you pour down the Martinis - (SS: Honey? are you okay?) (TK: I'm fine. Beautiful. Never better. Where are we?) and just then this large lady with blue hair and wearing a mink coat comes sailing into the restaurant, and heads for an empty table. (TK: Hey, we were here first....) and you lurch over to her (TK: Hey, lady, this is our table so you can just park your fat butt somewhere else!) (SS LADY GASPS) At which point, her husband comes into the restaurant and you see that it's your boss (TK GASP). (QUICK FOOTSTEPS) You duck behind a potted palm, and dash toward the kitchen (FOOTSTEPS, TK EFFORT, DOOR SLAMS OPEN) and you crash into a waiter carrying a tray of eight prime rib dinners. (MAJOR CRASH, SPLAT, TR FRENCH CRY OF OUTRAGE, BREAKAGE, TK HORROR, FAST FOOTSTEPS) You race out into the alley, covered with gravy, and (DOGS WOOFING, BAYING) right away a pack of dogs surrounds you (TK HORROR, RACING FOOTSTEPS, DOGS BARKING, SNARLING) and you tear around the corner and a bus pulls in at the bus stop (AIR BRAKES). You leap on board (TK CRY, DOORS CLOSE, BUS STARTS UP) and then realize it's a non-stop express! (SS: Next stop---- Duluth!) (TK: Oh please. Let me off. Please. Please, please, please. SS: Sit down, Gravy Man.) You sit in the back of the bus. A strange guy sits next to you. (TR: You go out to eat tonight?) Finally, you get to Duluth and hail a cab back to St. Paul and finally you get back to the restaurant and - (TK: Do you by any chance accept credit cards? TR RUSSIAN NEGATIVE. TK: Wait here, I'll go in and find my wife. TR RUSSIAN WEARY RESIGNATION) And you go in the restaurant and (WHACK, SS CRY OF PAIN) you walk right into the lady in the mink coat. And there's her husband, your boss - TR: Farnsworth? SS: This is the man who said I had a big butt, George.
TK: Me??
TR: You're fired, Farnsworth.
TK: But -
TR: Tomorrow you go to the office and unpin the cartoons from your cubicle and turn in your ID. You're history.
GK: And you slink into the restaurant and your wife is still at the bar. She's sitting next to Lance the bartender. He has his arm around her shoulder.
SS: Honey, Lance tells me I have an intensity and a clarity about me that would spell success on the stage.
TK: What??
SS: He's invited me to come to Los Angeles with him and audition.
TK: You??
SS: We're leaving tomorrow.
TK: Well, I've just been fired. I'll come too.
SS: I don't think you get my point, Fred.
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(RHUBARB SONG)
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor