TR: Coming to your town soon, it's the Bummer Summer tour of The Love Shovels, singing all of their hits and dumping toxic waste on the heads of the audience.....
SHOVELS: We're not green, we don't like trees,
We put our trash wherever we please!
TR: They're crazed and dangerous ---- out of control ---- travelling under heavy armed guard ---- lock your doors and tie up your dogs, the Love Shovels are coming to your town soon----
SHOVELS: Bust the table! Bust the chairs!
Throw your parents down the stairs!
Trash the house and wreck the yard!
Steal their Visa and Mastercard!
Steal the car and go to the mall
Go in the store and buy it all!
TR: The Love Shovels ---- they're disgusting in ways you'll never forget -----
SHOVELS: Marilyn Manson, step aside!
Ozzie Osbourne, run and hide!
Jerry Springer and Howard Stern!
Shut up! You've got lots to learn!
The Love Shovels come to pillage and burn!
TR: It's the rocknroll tour that's been declared a national disaster area ----- homes destroyed, crops wiped out, livestock, elderly people hospitalized for shock, widespread desolation and suffering, and yet people can't get enough of it-----
SHOVELS: We're not a bunch of singer-songwriters----
We're not artists! We're freedom fighters!
We leave a pile of smoking rubble!
People know when they've been Shovelled!
TR: Coming to Bismark, Sioux Falls, Dubuque, Des Moines, Grand Forks, Fargo-Moorhead, Rapid City, Brainerd, St. Cloud, Duluth, Green Bay, Oshkosh, Menomonie, Waterloo----- the Midwest will never be the same again!
SHOVELS: Rah rah rah for Anoka High
You bring the whiskey, I'll bring the rye
Send the school nurse out for gin
Don't let a sober sophomore in
Sometimes we stagger but we never fall
We sober up on wood alcohol
As our loyal faculty
Lies drunk on the barroom floor.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor