GK: .....right after a message from Earl's Academy of Accents in the Hamm Building. If you're from the Midwest, why not pick up an accent or two and make yourself a little more interesting, says Earl Egeberg, the owner of Earl's Academy of Accents.
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, we teach about fourteen different accents, thirteen or fourteen, I forget which ----- fourteen I think ---- and I tell you, if you can't learn a second language, you sure can learn a second accent.
SS (MINNESOTA WOMAN): Yeah, I lived all my life in Minnesota, and finally, you know, it dawned on me that as long as I talked like this, I was always gonna be a waitress. So I learned a French accent and I got promoted to cook. You see what I mean?
TR (MINNESOTA): Yeah, you talk like this and you know, people are gonna think you're a little simple. But here at Earl's, you can learn an accent so good your own mother wouldn't be able to recognize you----
TK (COCKNEY): Allo, Mum ---- Arold is me name, Arold Iggins, and I'm a friend of your son, I am, and I was just calling, mum, to say that he can't come for Mother's Day tomorrow. No, he called, and he's visiting a very sick friend, he is, and taking flowers around to all the sick veterans at the hospital and cheering them up ---- you know, how he is, your Tommy ---- yeah, he's quite a boy, and you know, he worships you, mum, yes, he does, he says a little prayer for you every night, and I know he wanted to be there for Mother's Day with you but he's visiting the sick veterans today.
GK: Earl's Academy of Accents reminds you that a good accent can be helpful to your career ---- if you're a violinist, you don't want to talk like this-----
TR (MINNESOTA): Boy, that Mendelssohn there, that's a toughie, isn't it. Whoa.
GK: You want to talk like this....
TR (RUSSIAN): The Mendelssohn is the music of my soul, it cries out to me, I hear it and I see birch trees and a snowbank and my mother, my beautiful mother.
GK: If you're making a career in the hospitality industry, you don't want a voice like this---
TR (MIDWESTERN): So howdja like that Beaujolais then, huh? That hit the spot?
GK: You want a voice like this----
TR (FRENCH): The wine, it has the texture, the attitude, the --- what we call--- (FRENCH GIBBERISH)-----
GK: You don't want this voice.
SS: (MIDWEST) I got a Barolo, I got a Chianti, they're both real good. Real fine.
GK: So get yourself a new accent-----
TR (ITALIAN): Hey! Doing an accent so it sounds real good, that is what I call having a real good time.
TR (INDIAN): Oh yes, a nice accent is very very important, I think, yes it is, oh yes.
GK: Earl's Academy of Accents. Maybe they can help you.
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, give us a call and we'll see what we can do then.
(c) 1998 by Garrison Keillor