(MUSICAL WALK ON)
GK: Today is our annual joke show and it's an honor to introduce my next guests ---- we have the oldest living comedy team in the world with us, today.
WB: That's right.
TR: Twelve thousand years old.
WB: We're so old we're in Noah's yearbook.
TR: That's old.
WB: You mind if we sit?
TR: Oldest living sit-down comedy team in the world, me and him.
GK: I can't read your names on the cue card here.
WB: That's Sanskrit.
GK: Sanskrit!
WB: We do jokes in Sanskrit, Phoenician, Arabic, Hebrew, Urdu, you name it ---- what language is this?
TR: This is English.
WB: English!
TR: That's what you're talking now.
WB: It's not a funny language. Babylonian was a funny language. Not English. Babylonian. Boy. But---- what you going to do?
GK: And you're the oldest living comedy team in the world.
WB: I'll tell you a great Babylonian joke ---- "A guy goes on a date and wonders if he's going to get lucky, and a woman already knows."
GK: That's a funny joke?
WB: In Babylonian, it's funny. In translation, no.
GK: I don't get it.
WB: You tell that joke in Babylonian and people are turning red in the face, they got their hands to their chests---- it's funny.
TR: That joke's been around since the Dark Ages.
WB: It goes back to the Crusades. Boy, talk about jokes--- there was a joke.
GK: You two started telling jokes when?
TR: Started back around the time of King Solomon. Back during the prophets.
WB: What prophets? You never told me.
TR: Obadiah, Hosea, Jeremiah----
WB: Oh, those prophets----
GK: So you were around during the Bible.
TR: Right. We worked the Garden of Eden after it became a nightclub.
WB: We told the one about Adam being lonely and he asks God to send him a companion, somebody who's beautiful and talented and a joy to be with, and God says, "Well, it's going to cost you an arm and a leg," and Adam says, "Oh--- well, what can I get for a rib?" We told that joke.
TR: They didn't like it that much then either.
GK: What was the first joke?
TR: A guy named (GRUNT) came up to the campfire one night and said, "Hey, there was a tiger chased me all the way across the savannah, and a lady named (DIFFERENT GRUNT) said, "Why?" And (GRUNT) said, "I didn't stop to ask."
GK: That was the first joke?
WB: No, the first joke was, "Did you know that half of all people are below average?" That was the first joke. It was funny then. Times change.
TR: That wasn't the first joke, that joke wasn't until the Middle Ages.
WB: You think the tiger joke was the first joke?
TR: I know it was the first joke.
WB: You're thinking of the one about the guy who takes his boy tiger- hunting and they're creeping through the weeds, and the man says "Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood, do you have any questions?" and the boy says, "Yes. If the tiger kills you, how do I get home?"
TR: I don't remember that joke at all.
WB: That's because you heard it in Sanskrit. It's funnier in Sanskrit.
TR: I don't remember it.
WB: I told that joke in Egyptian once and it made Cleopatra blow her milk out her nose. Believe me. It was funny in Egyptian.
GK: So you guys worked all over the Middle East?
WB: All over. We worked Egypt, Mesopotamia. Babylon. We were the first to start doing animal jokes. Pets were just coming in then, you know.
TR: Before then, animals were scary, they chased you, they ate you, they ran you up a tree. We were the first to tell jokes about it.
WB: We were the first ones to tell about the man who walks into his house with a handful of dog turds and says to his wife, "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!" That is a funny joke in Sanskrit.
GK: I can imagine.
TR: Dog jokes. Cat jokes. Had to wait for taverns to be invented so we could tell the one about the dog who comes into the tavern and orders a glass of mead and the innkeeper says, "We don't see many dogs come in here," and the dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."
GK: So that's an old joke.
WB: Very old joke. Also the one about the difference between the neurotic and the psychotic.
GK: When did you tell that one?
WB: We told that one during the Renaissance. That was three hundred years before Freud. Nobody knew what we were talking about.
GK: What's the joke?
WB: The difference between the psychotic and the neurotic is that the psychotic knows that two plus two is five, and the neurotic thinks it's four but he's worried about it.
GK: I remember that.
WB: I remember them all.
GK: Who were some of the biggest comedians back then?
TR: Oh, there were so many. Elijah was funny. Isaiah. Solomon.
WB: Yeah, he was good. Solomon.
TR: He was the first one to write down his routines.
GK: He wrote down his jokes?
TR: Ecclesiastes. You ever read that?
GK: Ecclesiastes from the Bible? You mean that Solomon?
WB: Ecclesiastes. That was his whole act. He was very popular up in Beirut. That was like Miami Beach then. "Nothin' ever changes," that was his whole schtick. "The rivers run into the sea and yet the sea is not full." That's a joke. "Everything is vanity."
TR: "Look at this garbage," he'd say, "Nothin' ever changes. You do good, you do bad, you live a little then you die." He was a funny guy.
WB: He said, "Whoever increases knowledge increases sorrow." That was a scream back then. People used to roll under the tables. Funny guy. People'd laugh---- you'd see pomegranates come out their noses, that's how funny he was.
TR: "The race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong nor riches to men of understanding, but time and chance happeneth to them all." People used to sit and howl when he told that.
WB: That's the whole meaning of comedy right there. You're fast, you fall down, you're strong and you poke yourself with your sword, you're smart and you go broke.
TR: He was an great comedian, Solomon. "Cast your bread upon the waters and you shall find it after many days." I loved that one.
GK: I didn't know that was comedy.
WB: A lot of people back then didn't know it was comedy. You get audiences like that now and then. The Samaritans. Terrible audience. Nice people, but no sense of humor. The Aztecs were a good audience but they only went for dirty jokes. Like the Inca who says to the other Inca, "Hey, Pocapetl, how long have you been wearing that brassiere?" and the other Aztec says, "Ever since my wife discovered it in my saddle bags." You told that joke to an Aztec and they had to go on disability leave.
GK: Right. Why do we need to tell jokes?
TR: Because. Life is terrible, its miserable, you wouldn't wish it on a dog.
GK: So jokes come from misery?
WB: Jokes are misery. You tell a joke, it's like saying, "Hey, we got a lousy deal," and everyone who's listening laughs, because they're thinking, "That's what I thought too, but I thought I was the only one."
GK: So you don't think there are new jokes?
WB: It's like Solly said: "The thing that has been is the thing that shall be; and the thing that is done is that which shall be done: there is nothing new under the sun."
GK: And we're out of time. What's your favorite joke?
WB: My favorite joke is: If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be? ---- I'd choose the one who's living. That joke was very very big among the Abyssinians. It's very funny in Urdu.
GK: And yours?
TR: This joke is a lot funnier in Sanskrit but it goes: The reason men fart more than women is that women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the pressure.
GK: That's funny.
TR: It's funnier in Sanskrit!
GK: Thank you, the world's oldest comedy team.
(MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
© 1998 BY GARRISON KEILLOR