GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME)....brought to you by ConCo, makers of DarVel....Do famous people tell jokes? And if so, are they really funny, or do people only laugh at them because it's a powerful person who's telling it? Mr. President, let's start with you. Do you hear any of the jokes that people tell about you?
TR (CLINTON): Well, uh, yes, I do ---- every week or so I get a report on all the new jokes people are telling about the President as he tries to avoid being distracted by all of this and just tries to do the job that the American people elected him to do, and I just want to say that I can certainly understand why people tell those jokes and find them amusing. I certainly do.
GK: I see. Good.
TR (CLINTON): I think that people have a need to bring their leaders down to their level and this has always been an important thing in any democracy such as ours.
GK: Good. Glad you see it that way, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): The joke, for example, about the man who gets to make a wish, and he wishes he could wake up in bed with three women, and he wakes up, and there's Lorena Bobbitt and Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton, and his penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance?
GK: Yes?
TR (CLINTON): That would be an example of that.
GK: And do you find that joke funny, sir?
TR (CLINTON): No, I don't. No, I'll tell you a funny joke. It goes like this. God decides it's time for the end of the world, so he calls in me and Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates, and tells us that the world is going to end in seven days. So I go to the American people and Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and we say, "We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there is a God, and the bad news is, the end of the world is coming." And Bill Gates goes back to Microsoft and says, "I have some good news and some even better news! The good news is, I'm one of the three most important people on earth, and the even better news is, we don't have to fix Windows 95!"
GK: Thank you, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): You're entirely welcome.
GK: What about you, Mr. Perot? Do you enjoy jokes about Texans?
TR (PEROT): No, I do not. All those jokes about Texas are about as funny as a sharp stick in your eye ---- I'll tell you what's funny are lawyer jokes. I love lawyer jokes.
GK: Tell us one.
TR (PEROT): Okay, so this lawyer ---- he comes to visit his client on Death Row and he says, "I have some good news for you." And the client says, "What good news are you talking about?!! You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!" And the lawyer says, "Yes, but --- I got the voltage lowered." (PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER) You liked that one, didn't you----
GK: That was a good one. Julia Child? Any favorite jokes you'd like to share with us?
TR (JULIA): Oh goodness, there are so many. How about the one about the two carrots who are riding in a car and they get into a terrible accident and they're rushed to the hospital and one of them just has some scrapes and bruises but the other carrot is rushed to the operating room and hours later the doctor comes out and says to the first carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
GK: That's one of those vegetable jokes.
TR (JULIA): I've got some potato jokes, too.
GK: No thanks. Another time. Ted Koppel--- you hear any good jokes lately?
TR (KOPPEL): I think that perhaps one of the funnier jokes I've heard recently, if not the funniest, is a little joke that for me says a good deal about the news business and the nature of communication itself. I think that it's not only a funny joke, it's also a very profound joke in the sense that it shows some of the contradictions that our profession struggles with.
GK: Good. What's the joke.
TR (KOPPEL): The doctor calls up the patient and he says, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you." And the patient says, "What's the good news, Doctor?" And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you." To me, that joke says so much about the nature of publicity----
GK: Thank you, Mr. Koppel. Mr. Kissinger? Any good jokes?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, I have what I believe is quite a good joke.
GK: Would you care to tell us that?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, I'd be happy to. --- Do you want me to tell it now?
GK: Yes, if you could.
TR (KISSINGER): So the doctor calls up the patient and he says, "I have some bad news and some worse news: the bad news is that you only have twenty- four hours left to live." And the patient says, "That is very bad news. What could be worse than that?" And the doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday." That's the joke.
GK: That's a good joke.
TR (KISSINGER): I like that one.
GK: Mr. Rogers, any favorite jokes you'd like to share with us?
TR (ROGERS): You want to hear Mr. Rogers's favorite jokes?
GK: Yes. One joke.
TR (ROGERS): Mr. Rogers like the joke about "What's invisible and smells like carrots?"
GK: I see.
TR (ROGERS): I'd say that's one of Mr. Rogers's favorite jokes.
GK: How does that joke go?
TR (ROGERS): You want me to tell you the whole joke?
GK: Yes.
TR (ROGERS): Don't answer when Mr. Rogers asks a question.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): Have you ever heard of a rhetorical question? Hmmm? Did you? I think that maybe you have. Mr. Rogers likes rhetorical questions very much. Yes, he does. Would you like to hear Mr. Rogers tell a joke now? Good. "What's invisible and smells like carrots?" Hmmm? Do you know what's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts. Yes, they do. Have you ever smelled a rabbit fart? Do you have a rabbit? Do you have a rabbit at school? Do you? Maybe when it's your turn to feed the rabbit, you could bring him a plate of beans. Yes, you could. Of course then it wouldn't smell like carrots, would it? No, it wouldn't.
GK: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Rogers. (THEME) That's all the time we have for today's edition of Famous Celebrities.....Brought to you by MarCom, makers of UniHar.
© 1998 BY GARRISON KEILLOR