(WESTERN THEME. HORSE, COWS, WHOOPS)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS. . .brought to you by. . . No Bull Mousse, a hair styling mousse made especially for harsh range conditions (SPRAY) so it keeps you looking attractively well-groomed even in rain (RAIN), hail (HAIL), thunderstorm (THUNDER AND LIGHTNING), tornado (TORNADO), cyclone (CYCLONE), stampedes (MOMENT OF TUMULT, SHOUTS, COWS, HORSES), avalanches (RUMBLE), or sleeping on rocks (SNORING). Just a couple of sprays (SPRAY-SPRAY) and your hair holds all day (BRIGHT DING).
And now let's join Dusty and Lefty for today's adventure.
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, GUITAR TUNING)
GK: (STRUMMING) Trouble in mind, and I'm blue, But I won't be blue always--- (HITS A BAD CHORD, RETUNES)
TR: Kind of quiet out tonight. (HAWK, SPIT)
GK: Yeah.
TR: Been quiet about every night for a coupla weeks now.
GK: Yeah.
TR: But---- in a couple of weeks we hit Spokane. Looking forward to that. Head on down to the nearest smoke-filled saloon and find us some of them painted-up dance hall liberals and have us some rotgut whiskey and dance the polka and wake up with hangovers as big as the Grand Tetons.
GK: They don't have those in Spokane anymore.
TR: They don't?
GK: Not in Spokane. It's gotten respectable. (STRUMMING) Trouble in mind, and I'm blue, But I won't be blue alway--- (BAD CHORD, RETUNES)
TR: What happened to Spokane?
GK: They're putting criminals in prison and getting people off welfare and into jobs and they're cutting taxes and they're electing Republicans. Those liberal floozies are all gone.
TR: I'm sorry to hear that.
GK: Spokane is no longer a place where a cowboy can hope to refresh himself after a month on the lonesome trail, Dusty. It's a place where, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you're going to run into someone who wants to explain what's wrong with you.
TR: (HAWK, SPIT) Maybe we oughta try Boise.
GK: Same is true is Boise if not more so.
TR: In Boise?
GK: In Idaho they haven't elected a Democrat in years.
TR: How about Utah?
GK: Full of Mormons.
TR: Minnesota?
GK: Lutherans.
TR: And up north it's Canada. Guess we're surrounded.
GK: Seems like it. (STRUMMING) Trouble in mind, and I'm blue, But I won't be blue alway--- (BAD CHORD, RETUNES, THEN STOPS) Did you hear footsteps out there?
TR: Out where?
GK: Out there in the dark. Amongst the shadows of the sagebrush.
TR: Naw.
GK: Sounded to me like someone stepped on a twig.
TR: Naw. What's that book you were reading before? The one in your knapsack.
GK: This book?
TR: Yes, that book.
GK: It's a jokebook.
TR: Is it any good?
GK: Depends on your intelligence, I guess.
TR: So tell me one.
GK: I'm not in the mood.
TR: Go on. Tell me a joke.
GK: No.
TR: Please.
GK: They're in the book. Read em for yourself.
TR: They're funnier if you tell em.
GK: Not to me they aren't.
TR: Just one.
GK: Okay. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
TR: (THINKS HARD) I don't know. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
GK: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
(TR IS CONVULSED IN SILENT MIRTH. HE TRIES TO GET HIS BREATH. HE GASPS)
GK: Are you okay, pardner?
TR: That was a good one!
GK: You want a drink of water?
TR: (LAUGHING) "Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans." Oh that's good.
GK: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? ----Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels! (TR IS CONVULSED AGAIN. HE SLAPS HIS THIGH, HE ALMOST WEEPS FOR LAUGHING SO HARD) Why was the tomato red? ---Because it saw the salad dressing.
TR (IN CONVULSION): Please---- no more ---- I can't stand it----
GK: What's green and red and goes 50 mph? ---A frog in a blender.
TR (CONVULSED Anew): A frog in the blender! It's too much. What's green and red----- 50 miles per hour----- Oh mercy-----
GK: Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
TR (FALLING DOWN, CHOKING, COUGHING): Oh that's good---- "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ----
GK: Shhhhhh. I hear something.
TR: (RECOVERING, WEAKLY) Don't tell me any more. I can't bear it. I'm about to have a heart attack.
GK: Something's out there.
TR: Oh mercy. My gosh. Oh me. --- "Because it saw the salad dressing." (HE HAS ANOTHER LAUGHING FIT) Oh it's too much.
GK: Shut up, Dusty. Will you? Just shut up. (TR SETTLES DOWN, SOME SLIGHT WHEEZING) --- Who's out there?
WB (OFF): You talking to me?
GK: Talking to whoever's out there in the dark.
WB (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING): Guess that's me, then.
GK: Who are you, mister? Where you come from?
WB: What's wrong with your partner? He looks like he's had a brain hemmorhage of some kind.
GK: He just enjoys jokes more than the average person.
WB: What jokes?
GK: Just jokes. Who are you?
WB: You telling jokes about me?
GK: I don't know. Who are you?
WB: I'm Spokane Spike. Maybe you heard of me.
GK: Don't believe so.
WB: Maybe you heard tell of all the men who crossed me ---- and who aren't around anymore ---- huh?
GK: Don't believe I have.
WB: Maybe you heard of my sudden temper --- and my quick finger.
TR: We've been out on the trail, we ain't heard much of anything lately, mister.
WB: Well, I've been hearing a little too much of you. Man tries to get some shuteye and he has to listen to a coupla drunken hyenas----
GK: We ain't drunk, mister. I told you, we were telling jokes.
WB: Oh yeah? Well tell me one.
GK: Which one you want me to tell?
WB: Tell me the one that made him wet his pants---
TR: Made me what? Oh my gosh. (HE FUSSES AROUND, COVERING UP THE EVIDENCE)
GK: That would've been the one about the two goldfish in the tank and the one says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
WB: Uh huh. And-----?
GK: That's it.
WB: That's the joke?
GK: Apparently so.
WB: You guys must've been out on the trail for a long time.
TR: That's right, we have.
WB: That joke wouldn't amuse a six-year-old child.
TR: Well, I thought it was sorta cute.
WB: Tell me another one.
GK: I don't know that I'm in the mood to.
WB: Tell me one. (CLICKS GUN HAMMER)
GK: Okay. So there was this grasshopper who went into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you," and the grasshopper says, "That's funny. Why would anyone name a drink Bob?" --- Why would anyone name a drink Bob? That's the joke.
WB: I don't get it.
TR: A grasshopper is a drink.
WB: Never heard of it.
TR: They drink it out east.
WB: Never been there.
TR: Kind of a sweet drink. Got creme de menthe in it.
GK: Creme de menthe, creme de cacao, and cream.
WB: Creme de menthe! People drink that?
GK: Out east they do.
WB: I put creme de menthe on my pancakes!
TR: Well, it's also a drink.
WB: That's disgusting. And creme de cacao? Who'd drink that?
GK: People do.
WB: Sissies.
TR: Whatever.
WB: Cake eaters. And what was that grasshopper's name did you say?
GK: Bob.
WB: BOB!!!
TR: But it could be any name.
WB: BOB!!!
GK: Okay. It wasn't Bob. It was Jim.
WB: You said Bob the first time.
GK: Yes----
WB: Bob is my best friend in this world, mister. Boise Bob. Him and me rode many a mile together. Best fella who ever got in a saddle. Used to be. Until he was gunned down two weeks ago. By a rotten nogood little card cheat named Cheyenne Sean. He was my best buddy and now he's gone and you think you can stand there and defame his memory by associating his name with a sissy drink made from creme de menthe, creme de cacao, and cream? Huh? You think I'm going to stand here and listen to that and not defend the honor of the best friend I ever had in this world??
GK: You see what comes of telling jokes, Dusty? Huh? You see what you got me in for?
WB: You think Boise Bob was the sort of fella who sits around sipping creme de menthe and creme de cacao and --- what? talking about ballet?
GK: This has nothing to do with your friend.
WB: Well, maybe I think it does-----
TR: You know why chicken coops have two doors, mister?
WB: No!
TR: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
WB: (HE STARTS TO CONVULSE) ---- Chicken sedans. ---- four doors---- (HE GASPS)
GK: Get his gun, Dusty.
WB: (IN SILENT CONVULSIONS OF MIRTH)
TR: Got it.
GK: For every man, there's one joke that'll do him in.
TR: Looks like I picked the right one.
GK: That joke saved my life, pardner.
TR: I forget how it went.
GK: Never mind.
TR: Why do sedans have four doors? Was that it?
GK: No, it wasn't.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS. . . Brought to you by . . . Foam on the Range.....the best drive-thru espresso bar in the West.
(MUSIC OUT)
© 1998 BY GARRISON KEILLOR